Sign in

The Implication News

@theimplicationnews.bsky.social
74 followers 74 following 237 posts

News, the way it used to be. Written slowly, with a lot of words, by people barely keeping it together.

PostsRepliesMedia
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Breaking News: Tech Self driving taxi cab companies are looking into the safety of the public pedestrian as their cars start to become more popular in cities. To make streets safer they’ll start implementing “cow catcher” on the front of every car to minimize blood loss over 45mph.
010
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment Los Angeles based theme park (no, not that one) will be closing an attraction due to several major injuries. Magic Mountain will demolish the ride and will replace it with two cars that ram into one another. It will be called The Head-On!!! and is set to open in ‘28.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Breaking News: Politics Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas surprises himself every time he sees himself in a mirror. Telling The Imp - “I get scared that mirror [Thomas] might harass me or worst…every time I see [my] face.” Mirror Thomas refuses to answer, claiming it’s a “fractal lynching”.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Today in Breaking News. The offices of The Implication no longer has mono. Department of Health and Human Services lifted band on our reporters. We no longer will spread news and virus laced kissed to our readership. For those of you still with us, we thank you during this sexy and difficult time.
000
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 21/07/2026
Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again theonion.com/man-angry-he-got-hit-b…
Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again
101698116
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
Our sources tell us that he needed to be on tv. The pay for appearing was going to go to pay off that’s days doctor bill. Since he help cut so much health care he too needed to find ways to pay.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
Breaking News: Politics Southern Bell cosplayer and war profiteer enthusiast Sen. Lindsey Graham has passed away from illness. President Trump thanks the senator for his years of loyal service and unapologetic love for the man. He also thanks Lindsey death for taking the spotlight away from him.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
substack.com/@theimplicat...
substack.com
The Implication (@theimplicationnews)
America & 250 What can be said about a birthday that can’t be said about time served? Abraham Lincoln. America & 250 is a particular sight to behold and here at The Implication we want to hon...
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
substack.com/@theimplicat...
substack.com
The Implication (@theimplicationnews)
Our cultural reporter wants to know how you watch the Star Wars films.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
Breaking News: Health Is the world prepared for another pandemic? Pfizer Pharmaceuticals Witches believe that if another pandemic was to occur in the next few years, we might be able to stop it. If we create a stockpile of hemlock root, eyes from newts, herbal infusions and dried toad dicks.
001
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
Here at The Implication want to wish you a very special Independence Day. Why now? Because our sorcerers looked into their crystal balls and told us that we only have a few years left of open journalistic freedom before a minefield of warrants and surveillance takes over the country. Happy 250!
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 27/06/2026
Breaking News: Politics The British monarchy slowly and maniacally rubbing their hands together waiting for democracy to die. Manchester mayor worried as Dukes and Noblemen circle around the state like buzzards.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Breaking News: Business Elon Musk to become world’s richest man after the open IPO of SpaceX. Now he has enough 30 pieces of silver for generations to come.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Breaking News: Politics The Trump name to be taken down from Kennedy center. The letters will go to the Donald Trump and Leven McCinny little league memorial center of baseball arts off I-14 in Schashkawagga, Michigan. The McCinny family is happy to honor their father, sheriff and clan leader.
010
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 07/06/2026
Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler theonion.com/dad-s-eyes-well-up-at-…
Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler
201793126
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 07/06/2026
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled theonion.com/little-league-pitcher-…
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled
151696159
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 03/06/2026
“We serve what I call customizable crepes, where you start with just your basic crepe and then chose from over 60 different filling options,” the first-time entrepreneur said
theonion.com
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening
BOISE, ID—Inviting friends, family, and “lovers of crepes from far and wide,” local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of...
1379345
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 02/06/2026
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening theonion.com/worst-financial-decisi…
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening
Ribbon Cut On Hole Down Which Savings Will Be Thrown
1491066
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 30/05/2026
Breaking News: Health Ebola outbreak tests the weakness in global health. It attacks your nervous system, then racks up your debt by stealing your credit card. Buys as much mosquito netting it can to burn. Then buys all the Spanish Fly and hands it out to single mosquito in your local area.
000
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 29/05/2026
New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements theonion.com/new-harry-styles-tour-…
New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements
1352837
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Breaking News: International New set backs in negotiations between Trump and Iran. Trump at the moment is willing to substitute the Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pâté for a Big Mac and Coke.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Breaking News: Business Drama inside Carl's Jr. corporation. Carl Sr. on deathbed demands that son grill him before burial, unfortunately California regulations do not allow human cremations to be served at wake.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Breaking News: Economics With the introduction of the $250 bill with Trump’s face. The other bills to be included are. 1) RFK Jr will replace Sacagawea on the $1 coin with a dead bear in his mouth. 2) Jeff Epstein on the $69 bill. 3) Vance will replace Rich Uncle Pennybags on all Monopoly money.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment Billie Eilish has created a space on her bus for a Puppy Room on her new tour. It’s been reporter that she feels that they’re easier to sacrifice on stage than expendable band members. “You don’t get the same amount of blood but you can really taste the innocence.”
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
Breaking News: Holiday We took Memorial Day off so here’s what you missed. Peter Hegseth honored fallen soldiers mud wrestling a 700lbs hog at the WH picnic. It started off inoffensive at first, then became sexual, turned deadly, then sexual again, ending in peace talks to a standing ovation.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
Breaking News: Science Quantum Entanglement to be redefined as the Eddie Trudle getting in over his head when meeting the girlfriend’s family for the first time.
010
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
So what happened to the Mandalorian?
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Breaking News: Health The FB group Anti-Vaxxers held an in person dating event that had to be cancelled due to the venue’s policy of mass infection. And this reporter hates the fact that some jokes just write themselves.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Breaking News: Politics Tulsi Gabbard the former Director of National Intelligence will retire and spend her days trying to find and chop down the tree that caused her debilitating affliction. Falling out of a tree is the leading cause of Skunk Hair.
000
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 22/05/2026
Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
8102681
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Our reporters have spoken to Mr. Bezos rep’s and they assured us that the tax money he is withholding, that could go to teachers in New York City, will not go to waist. Some cash will pay for fines in California for an illegal oversized hedge (not a hedge fund) to help block out the plebes.
100
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 22/05/2026
The Onion Store. We deserve your money more than you. Visit The Onion Store.
261250102
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
Breaking News: Weather The UK will brace itself for record temperatures thoughout the island. Due to this being an American newspaper, we are unable to understand the conversion rate from Fahrenheit to Pounds. So we think it’ll be like £4.56 degrees. So, that’s 1.5% conversions to 72 degrees.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment There could be wedding bells in the future for Timothée Chalamet and girlfriend Kylie Jenner. It’s that or it could be the seven horns from the Book of Revelation. Either way, the couple is happy to announce the upcoming event.
000
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 21/05/2026
NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired” Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument.
12122195
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
This is what happens when you don’t have pockets full of poses.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Is that how that Taylor Swift song goes?
010
Reposted by The Implication News
Boo-ly, Little Ghost Bull 👻🐮 @bullythelsb.bsky.social · 03/04/2026
I can't believe how beautiful the photos of earth are from Artemis
Discworld, riding on the back of four elephants, riding on the back of a great turtle.
315236
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Breaking News: International Cuba energy crisis has gotten so bad that they are now running out of blackouts.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Breaking News: Environment Companies are fighting restrictions that stop them from polluting the waters. Local agencies have tried but ultimately failed to prosecute for environmental damage. Companies have escaped prosecution by claiming “We’re just feeding the fish leftover’s like riboflavin”.
000
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 21/05/2026
Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can
1490981
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 20/05/2026
An Onion T-shirt may not change your life, but you'd better hope it does. Visit The Onion Store.
2048236
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
The same cannot be said about Des Moines, Iowa.
010
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Breaking News: Health According to the CDC. They’ve never met a guy named Hanta Virus. They’re pretty sure ICE has deported him to a detention center.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
Breaking News: Econ Americans calling this summer “The Best for Last!” The cost of gas, grocery’s and rent all time high. People going for broke. Literally. One consumer has taken his life saving and bought enough Twinkie’s to build a cabin. His plan is to live in it till he dies of a sugar coma.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
I believe he says that right before sending divorce papers.
000
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
We thought we were the only news source exposing the dangers of AI hallucination and the fears of information corruption…while topless. The Implication welcomes you. Come over if you ever need a cup of reporting.
020
Reposted by The Implication News
The Onion @theonion.com · 19/05/2026
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
132824148
The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
Our entertainment reporter remembers reading a backstage story and wants clarification if it’s true. In ‘62 at a Bob Fosse party, did Grogu once slap Liza Minnelli for calling him Gordon on accident? Which led to Ethel Merman slugging him back for stealing all the poppers?
120
Reposted by The Implication News
Brendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Orson Welles: I worked with Grogu. Not in film you see but on the stage. Brilliant performer but a cruel disgusting wretch of a soul. Interviewer: Pourrions-nous parler de Citizen Kane à la place, s'il vous plaît ? Welles: yes he did sell out his friends to HUAC, I will never forgive him for that
393148664