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The Implication News

@theimplicationnews.bsky.social
74 followers 74 following 237 posts

News, the way it used to be. Written slowly, with a lot of words, by people barely keeping it together.

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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Breaking News: Tech Self driving taxi cab companies are looking into the safety of the public pedestrian as their cars start to become more popular in cities. To make streets safer they’ll start implementing “cow catcher” on the front of every car to minimize blood loss over 45mph.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment Los Angeles based theme park (no, not that one) will be closing an attraction due to several major injuries. Magic Mountain will demolish the ride and will replace it with two cars that ram into one another. It will be called The Head-On!!! and is set to open in ‘28.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Breaking News: Politics Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas surprises himself every time he sees himself in a mirror. Telling The Imp - “I get scared that mirror [Thomas] might harass me or worst…every time I see [my] face.” Mirror Thomas refuses to answer, claiming it’s a “fractal lynching”.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Today in Breaking News. The offices of The Implication no longer has mono. Department of Health and Human Services lifted band on our reporters. We no longer will spread news and virus laced kissed to our readership. For those of you still with us, we thank you during this sexy and difficult time.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 21/07/2026
Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again theonion.com/man-angry-he-got-hit-b…
Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like He’s Never Going To Be Dry Again
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
Breaking News: Politics Southern Bell cosplayer and war profiteer enthusiast Sen. Lindsey Graham has passed away from illness. President Trump thanks the senator for his years of loyal service and unapologetic love for the man. He also thanks Lindsey death for taking the spotlight away from him.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
substack.com/@theimplicat...
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The Implication (@theimplicationnews)
America & 250 What can be said about a birthday that can’t be said about time served? Abraham Lincoln. America & 250 is a particular sight to behold and here at The Implication we want to hon...
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
substack.com/@theimplicat...
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The Implication (@theimplicationnews)
Our cultural reporter wants to know how you watch the Star Wars films.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
Breaking News: Health Is the world prepared for another pandemic? Pfizer Pharmaceuticals Witches believe that if another pandemic was to occur in the next few years, we might be able to stop it. If we create a stockpile of hemlock root, eyes from newts, herbal infusions and dried toad dicks.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
Here at The Implication want to wish you a very special Independence Day. Why now? Because our sorcerers looked into their crystal balls and told us that we only have a few years left of open journalistic freedom before a minefield of warrants and surveillance takes over the country. Happy 250!
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 27/06/2026
Breaking News: Politics The British monarchy slowly and maniacally rubbing their hands together waiting for democracy to die. Manchester mayor worried as Dukes and Noblemen circle around the state like buzzards.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Breaking News: Business Elon Musk to become world’s richest man after the open IPO of SpaceX. Now he has enough 30 pieces of silver for generations to come.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Breaking News: Politics The Trump name to be taken down from Kennedy center. The letters will go to the Donald Trump and Leven McCinny little league memorial center of baseball arts off I-14 in Schashkawagga, Michigan. The McCinny family is happy to honor their father, sheriff and clan leader.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/06/2026
Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler theonion.com/dad-s-eyes-well-up-at-…
Dad’s Eyes Well Up At Sight Of Perfectly Packed Cooler
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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/06/2026
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled theonion.com/little-league-pitcher-…
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled
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The Onion @theonion.com · 03/06/2026
“We serve what I call customizable crepes, where you start with just your basic crepe and then chose from over 60 different filling options,” the first-time entrepreneur said
theonion.com
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening
BOISE, ID—Inviting friends, family, and “lovers of crepes from far and wide,” local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of...
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The Onion @theonion.com · 02/06/2026
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening theonion.com/worst-financial-decisi…
Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening
Ribbon Cut On Hole Down Which Savings Will Be Thrown
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 30/05/2026
Breaking News: Health Ebola outbreak tests the weakness in global health. It attacks your nervous system, then racks up your debt by stealing your credit card. Buys as much mosquito netting it can to burn. Then buys all the Spanish Fly and hands it out to single mosquito in your local area.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 29/05/2026
New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements theonion.com/new-harry-styles-tour-…
New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Breaking News: International New set backs in negotiations between Trump and Iran. Trump at the moment is willing to substitute the Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pâté for a Big Mac and Coke.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Breaking News: Business Drama inside Carl's Jr. corporation. Carl Sr. on deathbed demands that son grill him before burial, unfortunately California regulations do not allow human cremations to be served at wake.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Breaking News: Economics With the introduction of the $250 bill with Trump’s face. The other bills to be included are. 1) RFK Jr will replace Sacagawea on the $1 coin with a dead bear in his mouth. 2) Jeff Epstein on the $69 bill. 3) Vance will replace Rich Uncle Pennybags on all Monopoly money.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment Billie Eilish has created a space on her bus for a Puppy Room on her new tour. It’s been reporter that she feels that they’re easier to sacrifice on stage than expendable band members. “You don’t get the same amount of blood but you can really taste the innocence.”
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
Breaking News: Holiday We took Memorial Day off so here’s what you missed. Peter Hegseth honored fallen soldiers mud wrestling a 700lbs hog at the WH picnic. It started off inoffensive at first, then became sexual, turned deadly, then sexual again, ending in peace talks to a standing ovation.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
Breaking News: Science Quantum Entanglement to be redefined as the Eddie Trudle getting in over his head when meeting the girlfriend’s family for the first time.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Breaking News: Health The FB group Anti-Vaxxers held an in person dating event that had to be cancelled due to the venue’s policy of mass infection. And this reporter hates the fact that some jokes just write themselves.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Breaking News: Politics Tulsi Gabbard the former Director of National Intelligence will retire and spend her days trying to find and chop down the tree that caused her debilitating affliction. Falling out of a tree is the leading cause of Skunk Hair.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 22/05/2026
Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
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The Onion @theonion.com · 22/05/2026
The Onion Store. We deserve your money more than you. Visit The Onion Store.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
Breaking News: Weather The UK will brace itself for record temperatures thoughout the island. Due to this being an American newspaper, we are unable to understand the conversion rate from Fahrenheit to Pounds. So we think it’ll be like £4.56 degrees. So, that’s 1.5% conversions to 72 degrees.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment There could be wedding bells in the future for Timothée Chalamet and girlfriend Kylie Jenner. It’s that or it could be the seven horns from the Book of Revelation. Either way, the couple is happy to announce the upcoming event.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 21/05/2026
NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired” Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument.
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Boo-ly, Little Ghost Bull 👻🐮 @bullythelsb.bsky.social · 03/04/2026
I can't believe how beautiful the photos of earth are from Artemis
Discworld, riding on the back of four elephants, riding on the back of a great turtle.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Breaking News: International Cuba energy crisis has gotten so bad that they are now running out of blackouts.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Breaking News: Environment Companies are fighting restrictions that stop them from polluting the waters. Local agencies have tried but ultimately failed to prosecute for environmental damage. Companies have escaped prosecution by claiming “We’re just feeding the fish leftover’s like riboflavin”.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 21/05/2026
Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can
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The Onion @theonion.com · 20/05/2026
An Onion T-shirt may not change your life, but you'd better hope it does. Visit The Onion Store.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Breaking News: Health According to the CDC. They’ve never met a guy named Hanta Virus. They’re pretty sure ICE has deported him to a detention center.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
Breaking News: Econ Americans calling this summer “The Best for Last!” The cost of gas, grocery’s and rent all time high. People going for broke. Literally. One consumer has taken his life saving and bought enough Twinkie’s to build a cabin. His plan is to live in it till he dies of a sugar coma.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 19/05/2026
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
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Brendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Orson Welles: I worked with Grogu. Not in film you see but on the stage. Brilliant performer but a cruel disgusting wretch of a soul. Interviewer: Pourrions-nous parler de Citizen Kane à la place, s'il vous plaît ? Welles: yes he did sell out his friends to HUAC, I will never forgive him for that
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 19/05/2026
Breaking News: Politics Trump is planning to set aside a 1.7 billion dollar of tax payer money to help pay off any inconvenience’s that might have occurred during his presidency. The slush fund will be a one time payment and the check will be made out to Cash.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 19/05/2026
BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol
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The Onion @theonion.com · 19/05/2026
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 19/05/2026
Breaking News: Entertainment Travis barker is happy to let his in-laws feed off of him. “It’s great how we all get together on Sunday’s…they strap me to a coroners table as their grotesque 3 meter probosces slowly drains me of viscerally spiritual material.”
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 19/05/2026
Breaking News: International Our Russian correspondent reports on the Victory Day Parade in Russia’s Red Square. At half capacity from years previous parades. The Kremlin tells us that they needed to wake up really early the next morning so they wanted to keep it “really low-key” this year.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Breaking News: Crime The people of January 6th are upset at being treated as criminals, just because they committing a crime. They want to know why the kids who are breaking into the Scientology building are get a pass while they’re being prosecuted.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Breaking News: Politics The East Wing Ballroom project to balloon in price. But the president promises new features to balance the cost. He’ll add in a corn field, baseball field (to be placed inside of corn field), endless buffet (at lease half a mile) and a Balrog as security.
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The Implication News @theimplicationnews.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
Breaking News: Politics Vice president JD Vance upset about the amount speculation people have about his sexual assault on couches. He is annoyed by how little credit he gets for how much he loves to eat out a couches pussy too.
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