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The Empty Press

@theemptypress.com
108 followers 3 following 853 posts

We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do. linktr.ee/theemptypress

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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 06/10/2026
Party - popular vote percentage, seat percentage PQ - 28, 46 LIB - 24, 31 CON - 21, 15 QS - 12, 7 CAQ - 13, 0 #QCPoli #CDNPoli
theemptypress.com
Why our only hope in hell is proportional representation - The Empty Press
We here at The Empty Press blame our First-past-the-post (FPTP) electoral system for many of our nation’s ills, and can’t seem to understand why everyone doesn’t just blindly take our word for it, and...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 04/10/2026
Clean energy might be bad for fossil fuel COMPANIES, but not fossil fuel WORKERS. Roughnecks, pipeline workers, designers, miners... they have knowledge and skills that are extremely valuable and could easily be transitioned to green infrastructure. In short, they're lying. #ABPoli #CDNPoli
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 03/10/2026
That moment when you and a coworker walk to the bathroom at the same time. #OfficeLife
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 03/10/2026
Back in my day, the scumbag, rapist frat bros were all white guys, so... progress? #Diversity #Cornell
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 01/10/2026
When I was in university, I only knew the word “homecoming” as something they mentioned on American TV shows, and was never really clear on what it meant.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/09/2026
AguerNoooo. #football #soccer #mancity
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/09/2026
"The internet collectively thirsting over Nathan Fielder" was not on our 2026 bingo card. #ElizabethHolmes
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 23/09/2026
The Sharks really need to protect Stenberg. Make him private and only accessible via getters and setters. #Ivar #Encapsulation #OOP #ProgrammerHumor #ProgrammerHumour #SJSharks #TheFutureIsTeal #NHL
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 22/09/2026
Haikus are quite short. I guess they were stolen, too, Nayyirah Waheed? #RupiKaur #NayyirahWaheed #Poetry
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 22/09/2026
Another day, another drunk driver receiving a lesser sentence than the sobre Humboldt driver. #CDNPoli
ctvnews.ca
Drunk driver with 3x legal limit sentenced in deadly Markham crash
A Stouffville woman convicted of impaired driving causing death and bodily harm in a November 2024 crash that killed a Markham man, has been sentenced.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 22/09/2026
You can stop searching, everyone, we've found your Halloween couples costume. #Liverpool #UKPolitics
threads.com
May (@bananaleoclerc) on Threads
pls can someone tell me what their handles are because i would follow them into war
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 22/09/2026
The fall equinox is easily the worst equinox.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 21/09/2026
Donald Trump isn't some black swan. He's a pigeon. The regular mother fuckers we see all the time, sometimes regarded with annoyance, sometimes with affection, sometimes with admiration and, often, so familiar we don't even notice them. Then, one day, one of them takes a shit on your head.
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Reposted by The Empty Press
Tim Houston - Premier of Nova Scotia Parody @dimhouston.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
I really thought he was Brett Hull the first sixteen times I met him.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 20/09/2026
Our economy is suffering, rural communities are wasting away, and Ottawa has responded by ignoring our plight like we’re some common New Brunswickers! #Alberta #Canada #DanielleSmith #ABPoli #CDNPoli
theemptypress.com
Tearful Danielle Smith says Albertans being treated like Atlantic Canadians - The Empty Press
EDMONTON — As Albertans prepare for next month’s separation referendum, Premier Danielle Smith posted a tearful message explaining that the vote is the result of residents feeling as though they’re be...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 20/09/2026
Hey Connections, Have you forgotten that yellow and green are supposed to be the EASY ones? @nytimes.com
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 19/09/2026
Damn, and here we were looking forward to another movie about how hard it is to be a White girl. #GretaGerwig #NarniaTheMagiciansNephew
jubileecast.com
Meryl Streep’s Aslan Casting Ignites Christian Fury Over Greta Gerwig’s ‘Narnia: The Magician’s Nephew’
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 18/09/2026
Feels like a good time to repost this... #NSPoli #Halifax #NovaScotia #Halisky
theemptypress.com
Houston promises to cancel budget cuts if Doug Ford tells him to - The Empty Press
HALIFAX – In the face of opposition over sweeping budget cuts recently announced by his government, Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston has said that he’ll cancel them if instructed to by Ontario Premier ...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 17/09/2026
Well, the new tech might put people out of work, but it will be good news for the Leafs, at least. #LeafsForever #NHL #Toronto #Hockey @jessemontano.bsky.social
Jesse Montano
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 17/09/2026
Check on your South Asian friends. For the last year, they've regularly found themselves thinking "Why the fuck did he have to be Brown?" #Patel
ctvnews.ca
FBI chief Kash Patel defends hiring policy changes on prostitution, bestiality at fiery hearing
FBI Director Kash Patel defended Tuesday a recent policy change to allow some applicants who have engaged in prostitution and bestiality to be considered for employment, insisting that the move was ma...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 16/09/2026
Are we the only ones who think that Mehdi Hasan kind of sounds like a British Seth Rogen? @mehdirhasan.bsky.social @sethrogen.bsky.social
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 16/09/2026
"Pics or it didn't happen" "That pic was clearly made by AI"
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 14/09/2026
Might we recommend they grab a pint at Unfiltered? #Halifax #NovaScotia #Halisky
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 12/09/2026
Hey Sunny Hostin, For what it's worth, we get it. @sunnyhostin.bsky.social
blexmedia.com
On 'The View,' Sunny Hostin Defends AI Partnership as a Path Around Hollywood's Gatekeeping | Blex Media
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 12/09/2026
DISRESPECTFUL! Mamdani and Kassem spotted turning their backs to 9/11 Memorial #NYC #NeverForget @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social @mayor.nyc.gov
Mamdani 9/11
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 11/09/2026
All 9/11 changed in that regard was that the racists had a few new slurs and a slightly greater sense of institutional legitimacy. Oh, and for the record, the answer remains "yes".
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 11/09/2026
In the weeks and months after 9/11, a lot of folks asked us if we'd experienced any racism since it happened. The answer was "yes". It was also the answer before 9/11.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/09/2026
...then freely entered multiple airports and boarded four planes with bags full of knives and box cutters, without raising the alarm of the many state and federal authorities who had been surveilling them. And that’s why you can’t bring that much lip balm on your flight, ma’am.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/09/2026
Twenty-five years ago, 19 known Al-Qaeda operatives legally entered the United States, trained for months on flight simulation software, ...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/09/2026
Friendly reminder that @rickwesthead.bsky.social didn't accuse anyone of anything. #LetsGoOilers #YEG #NHL #Edmonton #Oilers
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/09/2026
We would assume followed by Nazi hunters. #Zelenskyy #Ukraine #CDNPoli
cbc.ca
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy arrives in Canada | CBC News
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is in Canada this week for his first visit to the country in nearly a year as his country copes with an onslaught of deadly airstrikes.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 09/09/2026
Too broke to have a midlife crisis. #GenXProblems
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 08/09/2026
Real Bluenosers don't use umbrellas. #Halifax #NovaScotia
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 07/09/2026
He better hope she didn't read "Atlas Shrugged". #whoisjohngalt #lululemon
nypost.com
Lululemon billionaire founder Chip Wilson files for divorce after 20 years of marriage — with no prenup in place: report
Chip Wilson, whose net worth is valued at $6.1 billion, and his wife Shannon “Summer” Wilson are calling it quits, according to a report.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 05/09/2026
As long as Canada's still huge, we're good. #BigCountryEnergy @cnn.com #EqualEarthMap
cnn.com
UN votes to adopt new map that makes our world look very different | CNN
The United Nations General Assembly voted on Friday to adopt a new world map that reflects countries’ true relative sizes, after African nations urged the UN to right a centuries-old wrong.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 03/09/2026
We are here for the Brenaissance. #BrendanFraser
instagram.com
London Beautiful Life on Instagram: "Brendan Fraser helps fan take a photo at the Pressure Premiere in London’s Leciester Square. @pressurefilmuk @studiocanaluk @workingtitlefilms . . . . . . . . . . ...
173K likes, 7,088 comments - londonbeautifullife on September 1, 2026: "Brendan Fraser helps fan take a photo at the Pressure Premiere in London’s Leciester Square. @pressurefilmuk @studiocanaluk @wor...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 03/09/2026
At press time, these are grown-assed men. #TheFutureIsTea #SJSharks #NHL #Hockey
theemptypress.com
Obnoxious player criticised for obnoxious response to obnoxious behaviour of obnoxious teammates - The Empty Press
SAN JOSE – A controversy appears to be brewing in the NHL after famously obnoxious player Evander Kane was called out for his obnoxious response to the obnoxious behaviour of his equally obnoxious tea...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 02/09/2026
If a drama-free life you seek forevermore. Beware usernames with a trailing underscore. #NHL
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 01/09/2026
At press time, the entirety of Prince Edward Island was swallowed by a giant sinkhole and no one noticed. #QCPoli #CDNPoli
theemptypress.com
Chicoutimi win leaves residents hopeful that Feds might finally show some interest in Quebec - The Empty Press
CHICOUTIMI – After Daniel Gobeil’s win in the Chicoutimi–Le Fjord byelection, Quebec residents are hopeful that the Liberal victory will mean that the federal government will finally take an interest in the province. “This is a great day, not just for Chicoutimi–Le Fjord, but for all of La Belle Province!” exclaimed a jubilant Gobeil. “With […]
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 30/08/2026
#ShakespeareSucks Reason 235: The notion of studying and dissecting Shakespeare as an intellectual pursuit was concocted by 19th-century classists who didn’t want to sit through plays among uneducated poor people.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 30/08/2026
Has he tried being Ukrainian? @thestar.com #CDNPoli
thestar.com
Canada rejected his immigration application twice. He’s challenging the decision in court over its ‘copied and pasted’ refusal
Afghan refugee says similarities show he didn’t get a fresh look at his application as ordered by Federal Court.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 29/08/2026
You know Caitlin was going to turkey-dump Joey, anyway. #Degrassi #Canada
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/08/2026
If you're reading this, it's because you didn't die of COVID. Thanks, Dolly. #DollyParton #RIPDollyParton
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/08/2026
“When they play the in-flight safety instructions, I'm going to act as though I'm not thinking, 'My God, this could be half as long as it is'" #Trump #Carney #ElbowsUp #Canada #CDNPoli
theemptypress.com
Outraged Canadians pretend they care about French language requirements - The Empty Press
OTTAWA – After trade negotiations collapsed following demands from US President Donald Trump that threatened Canada’s French language laws, outraged Canadians are pretending that they care about prese...
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 24/08/2026
Am I the only one who finds using a can opener weirdly exhilarating?
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 22/08/2026
If Poilievre's wife did the hungry orphan prank she wouldn't need to change the question. #hungryorphan #prank #CDNPoli
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 21/08/2026
That’s a whole lot of words for none of them to be "sorry". #HaydenPanettiere #Neutrogena
instagram.com
Neutrogena on Instagram: "We are deeply saddened by Hayden Panettiere’s passing."
5,331 likes, 0 comments - neutrogena on August 20, 2026: "We are deeply saddened by Hayden Panettiere’s passing.".
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 20/08/2026
Still not certain that this latest White House kerfuffle isn't just a guerrilla marketing campaign for the stringed-instrument lobby. #POTUS #Harp
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 19/08/2026
Just the mayor of the city with the largest Sikh population in Canada honouring a man who used his platform to support the Legion's turban ban. #ONPoli #Brampton #PatrickBrown #CDNPoli #NHL #Hockey
torontosun.com
WARMINGTON: 'National treasure' Don Cherry boosts Hockey Night in Brampton
At age 92, legendary coach Don Cherry says he's happy to step in and support the Hockey Night in Brampton charity game. Find out more.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 18/08/2026
I've been on enough morphine drips for shrapnel wounds that we must have the same amount of opioids in our systems! #HaydenPanettiere #Gaza
theemptypress.com
Gazan child hopes to live as long as Hayden Panettiere - The Empty Press
GAZA CITY – As the world mourns the tragic passing of actress Hayden Panettiere, one Gazan child is expressing the hope that she might also live to the ripe old age of 36. “She’s a real inspiration!” ...
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