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The Empty Press

@theemptypress.com
108 followers 3 following 853 posts

We're TheEmptyPress, AKA "The Old Dark Lady". We write worthless, satirical garbage. Also, we're not an AI, we're just bad at what we do. linktr.ee/theemptypress

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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 17/09/2026
Well, the new tech might put people out of work, but it will be good news for the Leafs, at least. #LeafsForever #NHL #Toronto #Hockey @jessemontano.bsky.social
Jesse Montano
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 12/09/2026
DISRESPECTFUL! Mamdani and Kassem spotted turning their backs to 9/11 Memorial #NYC #NeverForget @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social @mayor.nyc.gov
Mamdani 9/11
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 11/08/2026
Hank Hillifax #Halifax #NovaScotia #NSPoli #CDNPoli #Halisky
CBCHank Hill
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 24/07/2026
In a world of opinionated White girls, listen to a Black woman. #SophieCunningham #MeganRapinoe
Sophie Cunningham Megan Rapinoe
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 12/07/2026
Okay, this has gone too far. Lindsey did some bad things but he didn't deserve to die.
Angel
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 07/07/2026
The Raccoons
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/06/2026
Better get those "Anti-Semitic" claims in quick, because there's no way Congressman Lander's gonna let you talk to his little bro like that. #Mamdani #Lander #Landani4Life #NYC
Mamdani
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 23/06/2026
The Mamdanis are two different kinds of New York Hot. The guy who looks like he's been invited to the Met Gala, and the girl who looks like she sleeps at the Met. #NewYorkCity
Mamdanis
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/06/2026
...because, if there was one thing Northern Ireland was famous for, it was a lack of violence. #NIPolitics #UKPol #Belfast #NorthernIreland
Rupert Lowe
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/06/2026
Wherein our protagonist has higher standards for a coach than he does for a POTUS. #Babcock #MikeCommodore #LetsGoOilers #YEG #NHL
Jason Gregor
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/05/2026
Nova Scotia - Where People of Colour are collectively blamed for something White girls do every prom season. #NSPoli #NovaScotia #Halifax #Racism
liz_leclair_hfx
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 07/05/2026
Interesting that they chose him and not the literally hundreds of thousands of Ukrainian refugees for whom the government is doing the exact same thing (and more). #CDNPoli #Canada #ONPoli #LisaRobinson #RebelNews
Lisa Robinson
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 07/05/2026
We think it’s fairly safe to assume that he never actually read Spider-Man and just liked the pretty colours. #Rittenhouse #SpiderMan
Spider-Man
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 07/05/2026
Spider-Man has a girlfriend. #Rittenhouse #SpiderMan
Rittenhouse
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 04/05/2026
Considering the headlines "the hockey world" has made the last several years, maybe that's not such a bad thing. #LeafsForever #NHL #Hockey
https://www.hockeypatrol.com/nhl-team/toronto-maple-leafs/steve-simmons-told-pelley-that-19-nhl-insiders-called-the-chayka-hire-a-sham-and-his-response-was-7-words-long
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 26/04/2026
Give women a couple of years and they can fix what men couldn't in sixty. #PWHL #NHL #Hockey
@jaredbook
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 19/04/2026
Well, it looks like little Stevie's pulling on Olivia's pigtails, again. #adorable #SteveSimmons #TorontoSun #ONPoli
Toronto Sun
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 02/04/2026
And switching to green energy would save consumers the litre. #Poilievre #CDNPoli #Climate
twitter
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 02/04/2026
…And a laid back James Duthie? #TSNDP #TheGuyOnThePoliticalLeft @ndp.ca @tsnofficial.bsky.social @avilewis.ca
https://www.vergemagazine.com/travel-intelligence/why-we-travel/276-avi-lewis-taking-care-of-business.htmlhttps://ticketscene.ca/artists/james_duthie/
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 02/04/2026
Are we the only ones who think that Avi Lewis kind of looks like a fancy Tim Robinson? #IThinkYouShouldLead #TheChairParty @ndp.ca @avilewis.ca #AviLewis #TimRobinson
https://www.vergemagazine.com/travel-intelligence/why-we-travel/276-avi-lewis-taking-care-of-business.htmlhttps://www.rottentomatoes.com/celebrity/tim_robinson_5
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 02/04/2026
"They're hockey guys" - Frank Seravalli #TexasHockey #DallasStars #NHL #Hockey
twitter
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 24/03/2026
We'd like to know how Tim Uppal, Amanpreet Gill, Jasraj Hallan and Jagsharan Mahal feel about Pierre Poilievre advocating for the Order of Canada to be bestowed upon a man who used his platform to support the Royal Canadian Legion's turban ban. #DonCherry #OrderOfCanada #CDNPoli #Poilievre
Poilievre
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 24/03/2026
Live from London, it's TWO PEOPLE OF COLOUR! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demogra... #SNLUK #SaturdayNightLiveUK #London #SNL
SNL UK
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 23/03/2026
What if they change their name to ‘Chauhanenko’? www.cbc.ca/news/canada/... #CBSA #Canada #JusticeIsNotBlind #Ukraine #CDNPoli
CBSA
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 15/03/2026
#IdesOfMarch #RIP #JuliusCaesar
Julius Caesar
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 15/03/2026
#IdesOfMarch #RIP #JuliusCaesar
Julius Caesar
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/02/2026
Wow! Beautiful sermon, Hockey-Twitter Jesus! #NHL #hockey #Olympics #Seravalli
Seravalli
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 24/02/2026
Al Strachan expressing hatred for the integration of the colours Black and Brown in clothing representative of Canada. File this one under "unintentional metaphor". #OrProbablyIntentional #Canada #Hockey #NHL #TeamCanada
Al Strachan
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 22/02/2026
NEWS IN PICTURES - Nation whose head of state is an alleged pedophile defeats nation whose head of state's brother is an alleged pedophile. #CDNPoli #Canada #USA #Hockey #NHL #Olympics #Epstein
Credit: Canadian Press
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 21/02/2026
#Wrestlinspiration #NeverForget #TeamCanada #CANUSA #hockey #Olympics #WWE
WWE
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 20/02/2026
Evidently, "referees" is Finnish for "Trans people". #Selanne #Finland #MilanoCortinaOlympics2026 #Olympics #TeamCanada
Selanne
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 08/02/2026
Marchand putting the “Keep Out” sign on the INSIDE of the door seems oddly appropriate. www.facebook.com/watch/?v=917... #TimHortons #Marchand #TeamCanada #MilanoCortinaOlympic2026 #Olympics #MilanoCortina2026
Tim Hortons
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 13/01/2026
Mina Kimes just walking into some fool's on-cam. #GetItGirl #Steelers #Texans #HTownMade @minakimes.bsky.social
Mina Kimes
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 04/01/2026
You know that, if they ever met face-to-face, every nerve in Trump's body would be compelling him to give this dweeb a headband-wedgie. #CDNPoli #IncelMilhouse #Poilievre
Poilievre
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 02/01/2026
We're not saying that John Vanbiesbrouck is the Assistant Executive Director of Hockey Operations at USA Hockey, but, John Vanbiesbrouck is the Assistant Executive Director of Hockey Operations at USA Hockey. #USAHockey #Hockey #MilanoCortina2026 #Olympics #NHL
Jason RobertsonJohn Vanbiesbrouck
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 19/12/2025
...and no one ever heard of Saddam Hussein, again. #MargaretThatcher
Margaret Thatcher
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 16/12/2025
In case you were wondering, the Toronto Sun doesn't need to warn Canadians that Anti-Islamic terror attacks are "imminent", because we've already had multiple. #CDNPoli #BondiBeach #TorontoSun #Halisky
Toronto Sun
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 04/12/2025
If you want to cite the Bible in a paper, you should first have to acknowledge that Jesus looked like this: #OU #Oklahoma #academia #HigherEd #Bible
Depiction of Jesus
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 14/11/2025
See, now this is why you need to fund PBS. Y'all missed the episode brought to you by the letter i. #MuppetsDontRape #MegynKelly #PBS #Epstein @balleralert.com
balleralert.com
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 05/11/2025
The people of Central Park will be silenced no longer. #CentralPark #NYC #Mamdani #NYTimes
Mamdani election
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 08/10/2025
Gosh.. it's almost as if the climate is.. changing? www.tsn.ca/mlb/article/... #ClimateChange #BeHereForIt #Cubs #MLB
Cubs
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 07/10/2025
Find someone who DOESN’T look at you like Charlotte Louise Burckhardt. @metmuseum.org #Art #Artitude #PosingBitchFace #JohnSingerSargent #TheMet
Lady with the Rose
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 28/09/2025
Yeah! He was even nice to a MUSLIM guy! torontosun.com/sports/simmo... #Reimer #TorontoSun #GoLeafsGo #LGBTQ #LeafsForever #NHL
James Reimer
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 26/09/2025
Apparently #BoatSinkChallenge is the hottest trend on WhaleTok #Orcas #KillerWhales www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/arti...
National Geographic
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 21/09/2025
And we're not just saying that because we're mostly Leafs fans who know he'll never sign with Toronto. #NHL #Hockey #GoHabsGo #LeafsForever
Habs fans. Stop trying to make “Crosby to Montreal” happen. It’s not going to happen.
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 10/09/2025
We’d like nothing more than to hear Joan Jett’s thoughts on this. www.cbc.ca/news/canada/... #JoanJett #SecondSons #Niagara #CBC
CBC
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 06/09/2025
Most Russian sentence ever. www.bbc.com/news/article... #Russia #Ukraine #War #Politics
BBC
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 26/08/2025
So, only a hundred innocent journalists have been killed? Well, that’s a relief! #NationalPost #CDNPoli #Halisky nationalpost.com/opinion/cars...
National Post
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/08/2025
#Halifax #NovaScotia #Halisky
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The Empty Press @theemptypress.com · 25/08/2025
Hockey: Gosh, why does our wonderful, welcoming sport have such a hard time attracting minorities? Also Hockey: #NHL #TSN #MarcMethot #Hockey #YouCanPlay @tsnofficial.bsky.social #Halisky
Mark Methot
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