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James Ostime

@ostimejames.bsky.social
184 followers 263 following 1.9K posts

We're doing this now?

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Reposted by James Ostime
Elephant Mastodon @emath.bsky.social · 6h
“They were careless people, Tom and Daisy- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.” F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 7h
In poetry, juices are always dripping down chins. Skin is always pickled with shame, hair on the back of necks is standing up. It's disgusting! Grow up!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 8h
If you had told me 10 years ago that Mark Zuckerberg would be played by a different actor in Aaron Sorkin's sequel, I would have said, "Why are you telling me this?"
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
NyQuil and the Elaine Stritch documentary again?? Stay as long as you like, germs!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
I'm the perfect amount of ill right now which is too sick to be anything but lazy, yet well enough to enjoy the lethargy!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
I still think about how good this name is
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Wasn't planning on it, but I've embraced that watermelon gum they have now
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Reposted by James Ostime
Gretchen von Tongeln @metalligretch.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
It's too hot for the accordion.
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Sass Jordan (and Alannah Myles! And Amanda Marshall!) were responsible for bringing gritty white lady blues into Canadian pop music for a brief, shining time and for that we must always be grateful #RIP
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
ME: My theory is, Charlie Bucket is Hyacinth Bucket's son and she's keeping up appearances hoping to score an invite to that factory. EMPLOYEE: I'm sorry, that's way too much to write on a cake
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
My massage therapist has a tenuous grasp of English so yesterday when he said, "You are looking bigger now! Wow!" I choose to believe he did not mean my overall weight but rather biceps or penis
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
I keep waking up with a sore throat and sniffles that disappear by mid morning and return at night. I wish this cold would stop edging me and just finish me off
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
I don't follow Mario Lopez so I'm not sure why this was Suggested For Me, but classy of Lopez to post an AI tribute to a former coworker where Lopez looks fantastic and the dead guy looks older and fatter than he was in real life
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Tea with Judi Dench is just like Good Hang with Amy Poehler except there have only been two episodes in 6 months and Judi is EXTREMELY tired
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
A hundred percent!!!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
This is all to say it's scene chewing, histrionic Robert Pattinson they're gonna push for that Oscar, but it's Wever who deserves it
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
Merritt Wever is one of our most compelling actors because she has this air of total preoccupation onscreen. Whatever she's saying is secondary to whatever she's thinking, which is how people behave in real life!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
It finally happened. My phone randomly disconnected from headphones at the gym and blared my tuneskies. Fortunately it was Maxus 1981 banger album Maxus and not, say, Oom Pa Pa from Oliver!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
That's exactly it! I have colleagues out here in corporate comms using AI to edit/shorten/lengthen/enhance their own stuff, which I can't believe! If you don't think you're digging your own grave, you're nuts
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Writer friend out here peddling his wares using AI cover art and it JUST kills me. I know self publishing is hard, and I know people judge a book by its cover, but your covers are slop and I'm JUDGING! Like, who's to say you aren't writing using AI too??
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
MR. BEAST: I've really developed cross platform revenue streams thanks to my immense popularity NANCY: .... are you ready, boots? MR. BEAST: Excuse me? NANCY *stares* MR. BEAST *stares* NANCY: ... staaaart walkin' *AUDIENCE LOSES ITS COLLECTIVE SHIT*
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
NANCY SINATRA: My guest is Mr. Beast! *tambourine and piccolo intro music* Hello Mr. Beast! What do you do? MR. BEAST: I use my accumulated YouTube wealth to pay people to participate in humiliating challenges NANCY *stares blankly* MR. BEAST: I... uh, I make protein bars NANCY *stares*
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
"I've got car payments!"
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
INFLUENCER GUY: YOU are the master of your own destiny! Don't like your circumstances? Don't be a pussy ass bitch! Change them! YOU are IN CONTROL! *consequences* INFLUENCER GUY (through tears): what's happening to me is inexcusable
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Next time I go to the dentist I'm just gonna leave still wearing the sunglasses
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Clothing sites are like, "Model is 6'2 and 175 lbs." GOOD FOR HIM BUT HOW DOES THAT HELP ME??
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
If we're all under surveillance and don't own the rights to our images and get full body scans at the airport and all that stuff, how come there's not a way to see how an item of clothing online would look on my lumpy, misshapen body?
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Reposted by James Ostime
andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 15/09/2026
Thank you Google for making me a slideshow of the time I had a large and painful stye
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Sorry to be horny on main but James Taylor in the 90s could plow me like a field
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Niiiiche skeet but the Tom Cruise GQ cover reminds me of the 80s Liz Taylor Vogue shoot where she wouldn't take off a stupid bejeweled turban until the stylist yanked it off her head, Liz wheeled around, fucking furious, and Wayne Maser got the shot of her bedheaded fury
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Instagram Friends, you know you don't have to post a picture of your kid at all, right? The kid with clown face emoji is to protect kid's privacy, I get it, but you also protect the kid's privacy by KEEPING THEM OFF THE PLATFORM. Your emoji kid face doesn't strike the balance you think it does
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
I know we've hit true crime saturation, I know, I know, but put Melissa McCarthy as Patsy Ramsay into my bloodstream
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
Touching of Celine to both open and close her comeback show with Camptown Races
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Pink protesting Macklemore at an Ed Sheeran show? What's next, a pimple protesting a boil at a stye convention?
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Watch a podcast? What's next, drink a hamburger? Drive a waterbed? Get the fuck outta here
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
If you understand that skeet
static.klipy.com
Oprah Tells Ellen: 'Good for you. You're gay.'
ALT: Oprah Tells Ellen: 'Good for you. You're gay.'
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
Had to call the Doxy people to refill and the lady goes, "Isn't this a little early?" And I said, "I was on vacation last month" and she high fived me through the phone!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
When it comes to replacing Kelly Clarkson as host of a daily talk show, I know the impulse is to continue young and hip, so may I suggest Miss Nancy Sinatra
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
I try not to bother people about whatever their deal is but hot, hung naked guy sitting in the YMCA locker room reading the Bible, what is your deal???
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
With Dolly Parton and Betty White gone, it's time to find a new universally beloved celebrity. My pitch? Paul Reiser
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Bringing the whole world together for 60 years. What a way to make a livin'
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
One little girl whimpered plaintively and I turned around to be a pillar of stoic strength but she was just out of lives in Royal Kingdom
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
Personally offended by how nonchalant my seatmates are about this turbulence. How can we comfort each other if I'm the only one FREAKING OUT?!?!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
This summer, I visited a small city and now I'm visiting a big city. Next summer, I must remember to do the reverse, for ego reasons. A tough lesson to learn is that an Edmonton 6 is a Regina 8 but a Toronto 2.5😞
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 18/08/2026
How come airplanes can transport hundreds of people, anticipate and avoid turbulence, run on autopilot, have backup systems for the backup systems, but when the pilot comes on the PA to say something, no one can hear a goddamn word?
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
It's giving Rockabye
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
A former hookup has decided to never acknowledge me again which is a shame because today I saw him in a gorgeous fitted Amy Grant Heart in Motion tee and all I wanted to do was offer my humble congratulations
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
I remember reading lots of Peanuts as a kid and wishing Snoopy would make more pointed jokes about capital gains tax
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
He went to school with two (2) Bobby Jo's, the 4th grade teacher left town with the milkman (WHAT TOWN HAD A MILKMAN AND DOGCATCHER IN THE 80s?!?!), and if you wanted to catch a bus, you just called this guy who owned a small bus and he came and got you!
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James Ostime @ostimejames.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
My boyfriend is from a very small prairie town and doesn't appreciate how quaint his upbringing was. Last night, he offhandedly mentioned the town's dog catcher, who's name was Horatio. I SWOONED!
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