Reposted by Ash Evergreen
Yesterday's news about Jacob Geller broke my heart, so much that I couldn't stop dwelling on it all day. In an effort to make sense of this horrific news and my admittedly complicated feelings about it, here is my article on the Jacob Geller situation:
epiloguegaming.com/what-do-we-d...
epiloguegaming.com
What Do We Do With Jacob Geller? - Epilogue Gaming
Earlier this week, a friend noticed Jacob Geller’s book, How A Game Lives, sitting amongst my living room shelves. Under almost any other circumstances, this would have been an exciting invitation for...
![[it's how happiness is for me]
(over a dark page, a sketch of a haunting memory of a disc read error screen in red on a tv, its cable a vine of thorns)
[i know the total approximation of it, and cherish it fully when it comes my way]
[it has substance that makes it worth reaching out for]
[but i can't feel it authentically in this body of mine]
[i know how that sounds, but this is how it's like]
[to try to be "real" is to be someone i'm not]
[even after all the therapy and the medication]
[my feelings and sense of self are a simulacrum of the real thing]
... but isn't that fine? isn't that enough?
(the panel is bright for a moment before turning dark again)
[where we are at now, at the end of everything?]
(over darkness, the sketch of a broken DS, a cut and bleeding vine impossibly coming out of the corner of the top screen, and an upside-down reflection: do you think you know me better than i know myself?)
[at least i can still be here]
[at least i can still be seen]
[at least i can still be loved]
(on the bottom screen of the broken DS, mirrored upside-down: the alternative is worse)
somehow, i can say i'm in a better place these days
imperfect scars are still a form of healing
(finally bright again, a sketch of an R4 cartridge which is used for DS emulation, a sprout of a new plant beside it)](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:gkpqvb5rc2alsysbhujc3trh/bafkreiglcshmkm2picbe3rnzjze7dbr3moj7345x42m2hkxfh3ud4b3daa)
![it's fine though
i'm getting something out of it
even if it's not the same as someone who was able to experience things properly
lucky to have the right timing, presence, circumstance
(sketch of this human playing on a retro console, a benevolent clover blooming after being encircled...)
(... until the darkness of the next panel shows the same sketch, but instead there is an empty loading screen on the console screen, reflecting the face of the human whose neck is still wrapped in thorns)
[you don't know how badly i wish i could experience things properly]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:gkpqvb5rc2alsysbhujc3trh/bafkreihcod2jo5c5c2ybyn5aoqnw3au7yxprc7c3vcqa2zgir7xbduyxg4)
![i know this probably isn't the most authentic way to experience something precious, that you need to get a CRTV, the original copies
(sketches of a set up with a nintendo 64, its controller, and a tv with the deku tree sprout from ocarina of time, a sign that better days were ahead... or were supposed to be)
it makes sense for a lot of games with a certain artistic vision
(sketch of a DS with an upside-down sudoku puzzle that would be solved to save a certain character from the past in 999)
with some effort, you can get a hold of the actual wares
(sketches over a dark panel of several listings for used games on ebay going for 1,649.99 USD and 489.97 USD, and a window for an article about playstation e-stores closing)
[maybe]
but the more i think about it
i guess even memories degrade too
in the end, it doesn't matter how you set things up
(sketches of more open windows on a computer screen regarding delisted games and disc rot, and a memory of a beloved game with a failing battery that says: TIME NOT SET)
(followed by the darkness of another panel with sketches of a file select menu where all three files are empty, evoking a memory of cartridges that couldn't hold their saves anymore)
[you can't return to 1997]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:gkpqvb5rc2alsysbhujc3trh/bafkreicdmzrq4x4go6afsmtx5sgtydxo5k6qebs2zztpipmhy4fiizzjny)
![it's a fulfilling experience even if i'm not technically playing on a system from the 90s or early 2000s
(sketch of a playstation controller, its cable trailing...)
(... but the fond familiarity of it entangles with the inerasable memories of what should have been kinder days)
(the cable becomes a vine of thorns when it crosses over into a dark panel, wrapping around this human's neck as they curl in fetal position, faint red texture over their body, a pair of scissors lying beside them)
[you and i both know we can't go back]
[not that we'd want to]
[even if it were for the better]
(the next panel returns to a white background)
i'm capturing something lost or once unavailable to me, in the present space that i occupy
i'm reclaiming a lot from completing the stories that i never finished
or revisiting old faves and remembering why they were so good
it feels like a kindness
(sketch of this human's hands holding an anbernic rg cube XX, and on its screen is a vague memory of an early kirby dreamland 3 stage)](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:gkpqvb5rc2alsysbhujc3trh/bafkreidkkcojkr2qgeyd7aqjuh3tdjutqik7yy7fb4pddqcme2yuj7z5ge)
