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David F Porteous

@dfpiii.bsky.social
78 followers 43 following 180 posts

Scottish author of The Wicker Man Preservation Society, Good Witch, and Singular. Read work in progress at dfpiii.com

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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
The shops at airports need to be more excited about flying. I've never been to an airport where they sold a t-shirt that read "I FLEW IN A METAL TUBE THROUGH THE FUCKING AIR LIKE A SPACE MAN FROM THE FUTURE!" But go to Disney World, you can't buy anything that isn't rimmed with sparkly mouse jizz.
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Stilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 17/08/2026
NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Clacton and On and On with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h00m16s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00275/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe support the crowdfunder at the9pmedict.com/spring2026.
A square-faced Scottish man in a shirt, tie, and dark suit looks to the right and ponders the fate of the world as he stands in a black void.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 25/07/2026
It's been lost in the chatter, so you might not know that not one single person in Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey is Greek, from the Bronze Age and fictional. Tom Holland, for example, is real and was born in Kingston-Upon-Thames in 1996. What a fucking fraud.
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Stilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 26/05/2026
NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Capybara of Hope with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h03m00s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00269/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell people, and maybe throw in a tip at the9pmedict.com/relocate/.
A square-faced Scottish man in a shirt, tie, and dark suit looks to the right and ponders the fate of the world as he stands in a black void.
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Gef the Toking Mongoose @geftokingmongoose.bsky.social · 19/05/2026
White people love to be named some shit like Bumper
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
The mirror universe version of Sir Mixalot - who does not like big butts but can lie - is, for all meaningful purposes, indistinguishable from the original Sir Mixalot. Discuss.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 13/04/2026
Really, it's been a week of triumphs for JD Vance. I hear he got the Tuesday Wordle on the second guess and netted a free Milky Way from a vending machine mistake. Just W after W.
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Stilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 29/03/2026
NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Peak Sheep with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h15m38s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00264/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe support by crowdfunder at the9pmedict.com/relocate.
A square-faced Scottish man in a shirt, tie, and dark suit looks to the right and ponders the fate of the world as he stands in a black void.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 18/11/2025
Saw a message - "ChatGPT is down. Now I have to use my brian." Chef's kiss, no notes.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 15/10/2025
Phan confirmation is the best, least surprising news of the week.
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Stilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 27/09/2025
NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Uncommon Death Adder with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h18m21s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00253/ Look for it in your podcast app of choice. Like it? Please tell your friends and consider throwing in a tip. the9pmedict.com/tip
A square-faced Scottish man in a shirt, tie, and dark suit looks to the right and ponders the fate of the world as he stands in a black void.
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Derek Van Dyke @derekvandyke.bsky.social · 22/09/2025
A figure of Kamille Bidan from Zeta Gundam holding a handgun, accompanied by the text:

I'm joining the war on autism

on the side of the autism
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 07/08/2025
This happens to everyone, right?
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 25/07/2025
Passed 70,000 words in the book today. Is this half way? Unclear. It's part of my approach to writing that I know how the book finishes, but I don't know everything that needs to happen between here and there.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 20/07/2025
Like a week ago "After the Gold Rush" by Neil Young crept into my head. Delightful, honkily-twanky song with a name and context I don't understand. It's very much like an owl that somehow got trapped in a banjo.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 17/07/2025
The comments of Diane Abbott on the fact that visual minorities experience discrimination in different ways than other minorities are *obviously* true. It isn't antisemitic to say that you can see a black person half a mile away, but you can't tell if someone is Jewish just by looking at them.
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Raygan @ramblindragon.bsky.social · 22/05/2025
This is a monstrosity.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 21/05/2025
I'm not a big conspiracy theorist. But... I think... maybe... it's possible... Israel tried to fix the Eurovision Song Contest. That's crazy though - right? RIGHT?
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 15/05/2025
"New phone, Houthis" is my favourite Houthis pun looking for a joke. Right after "Timhouthis Chalamet". This is the experimental phase of joke development. This is how you invent joke velcro.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 14/05/2025
@stilgherrian.com I see the Liberals are experimenting with a new leader - like a summer girlfriend. Not someone they'll marry. Probably not even take home to meet the parents or introduce to all their friends. A pleasant memory to look back on before they get serious (around 2027).
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 07/05/2025
Boop.
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Raygan @ramblindragon.bsky.social · 05/05/2025
Implement a 100% tariff and ruin a movie Big Trouble in China
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 04/05/2025
Steven Miller's favourite Game of Thrones character is Joffre.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 03/05/2025
BTW - congratulations to Canada and Australia. Good job everyone. England's local elections continue to be problematic....
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 02/05/2025
The dumber the thing you want to say, the more flags you need to say it in front of.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 01/05/2025
Guys... 1 man vs 1 gorilla isn't a certain outcome. We're the apex species. Have some damn self confidence.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 30/04/2025
Star Wars rules are very clear - big fat Jedis are more powerful. In all 7 of the films I'm prepared to acknowledge, we never see a big fat Jedi get killed, while tiny little Yoda loses or draws every fight, then dies of boredom or possibly trench foot. Checkmate, doctors who believe in the Force.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 29/04/2025
To all the people out there who aren't tired - how?
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Stilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 28/04/2025
NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Bears of Heaven with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h36m17s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00246/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe throw in a tip at the9pmedict.com/tip.
A square-faced Scottish man in a shirt, tie, and dark suit looks to the right and ponders the fate of the world as he stands in a black void.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 28/04/2025
"Ocarina of Slice of Bread on Top for Patriots" is probably going to be the smartest thing I say all day and it's infinitely niche and objectively very stupid.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 25/04/2025
What won't make it to the podcast - the line: "You can sing the n-word in Goldfinger, it's just tougher to get it in than Gold Digger. But if you really want to command the attention of the karaoke bar, that's how you do it." I'm not even saying I said it - I'm just saying it won't be in the pod.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 23/04/2025
I keep performing black magic rituals in my dreams. That's nothing to worry about, right? That's a thing that happens to all of us non-doomed, un-cursed flesh beings from time to time? Anyway, back to bed. These candles in the shape of baby heads aren't going to arrange themselves probably.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 23/04/2025
I understand that Australia faces the difficult choice between a terrible option backed by the Murdoch press and a good option opposed by the Murdoch press. And there's a very angry bench involved.
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Stilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 17/04/2025
ROUTINE PLUG: The current crowdfunder is currently 79% of the way to Target One with five and a bit days to go. I’ve just added the rewards relevant to “Another Untitled Music Podcast” should you want more of those. Please consider. I’ll update you tonight. the9pmedict.com/mid2025
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 11/04/2025
60,000 words. After some delays. Very exciting.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 11/04/2025
You guys know the iceberg that was hit by the Titanic was *also* destroyed like 112 years ago. You think icebergs live forever? NO. Don't see a lot of documentaries about that.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 09/04/2025
I've become so addle-brained that I just reflexively skipped forward twenty minutes on a YouTube video because I was bored. It's 24 hours of rain noise.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 03/04/2025
If it turns out the Trump tariffs were created by AI, that would be peak 2025. People who don't think, asking a machine that doesn't know, presenting it all as the genius of the supreme leader, to the applause of rubes.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 01/04/2025
If anybody April Fooled me, I missed it. Probably got poisoned.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 31/03/2025
Prospective titles for my unforthcoming standup special: *I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (I Hope) *Has A Medium-Sized Penis *Under Oath & Lying Still *Associated with a Ruckus *Help, I'm Stuck In The Poster Printing Machine And This Is My Only Way To Communicate With The Outside World *Big Time Racist
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 27/03/2025
I don't know who to speak to about this, but it's completely unimportant and I need you to know. Serums. You've seen them. They're the things you put on before you put on moisturiser. They have special things in them - like magic and alien science. And when you see videos of people using serums...
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 21/03/2025
In *my* day job, I'm not allowed to sell any Venezuelans into slavery in a third country. It's taken HR several days to come back on this, but now they're firm about it. Very firm. Like "no, you can't appeal this" firm. Another example of it being better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
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Glenn Moore @thenewsatglenn.bsky.social · 21/11/2024
Shakespeare appreciation post
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 20/03/2025
He's not wrong though - everything is computer.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 20/03/2025
420 years from now, they'll release files that prove Switzerland killed Kennedy because he hated clocks.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 19/03/2025
My favourite example of future-in-the-past anachronisms is that everyone in Star Trek just shouted their passwords. And they can't stop doing it!
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
BTW - I have never sold a single book in Russia. As far as I know. Just in case the CIA are listening and have to spend a big budget before financial year end.
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
The CIA promoted Jackson Pollock paintings to annoy the Soviets (perhaps creating modern art). There's a lesson for aspiring artists in any field - when seeking grant funding, loudly declare at every opportunity how much your country's enemies don't like what you're doing. #amwriting
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 14/03/2025
When you accidentally send all of your direct reports at work a note about how, sometimes, “too many cups” bewilder you. #leadership
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David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 10/03/2025
An update on what I #amwriting, including a new chapter two describing the imprisonment and escape of our hero from the dungeon of an ancient fortress. Comments welcome here and on blog. www.dfpiii.com/blog/the-scu...
media.tenor.com
a black and white drawing of a castle on a hilltop
ALT: a black and white drawing of a castle on a hilltop
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