David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 27/08/2026The shops at airports need to be more excited about flying. I've never been to an airport where they sold a t-shirt that read "I FLEW IN A METAL TUBE THROUGH THE FUCKING AIR LIKE A SPACE MAN FROM THE FUTURE!" But go to Disney World, you can't buy anything that isn't rimmed with sparkly mouse jizz. 042
Reposted by David F PorteousStilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 17/08/2026NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Clacton and On and On with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h00m16s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00275/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe support the crowdfunder at the9pmedict.com/spring2026. 054
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 25/07/2026It's been lost in the chatter, so you might not know that not one single person in Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey is Greek, from the Bronze Age and fictional. Tom Holland, for example, is real and was born in Kingston-Upon-Thames in 1996. What a fucking fraud. 120
Reposted by David F PorteousStilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 26/05/2026NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Capybara of Hope with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h03m00s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00269/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell people, and maybe throw in a tip at the9pmedict.com/relocate/. 145
Reposted by David F PorteousGef the Toking Mongoose @geftokingmongoose.bsky.social · 19/05/2026White people love to be named some shit like Bumper 611210
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 21/04/2026The mirror universe version of Sir Mixalot - who does not like big butts but can lie - is, for all meaningful purposes, indistinguishable from the original Sir Mixalot. Discuss. 131
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 13/04/2026Really, it's been a week of triumphs for JD Vance. I hear he got the Tuesday Wordle on the second guess and netted a free Milky Way from a vending machine mistake. Just W after W. 030
Reposted by David F PorteousStilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 29/03/2026NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Peak Sheep with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h15m38s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00264/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe support by crowdfunder at the9pmedict.com/relocate. 173
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 18/11/2025Saw a message - "ChatGPT is down. Now I have to use my brian." Chef's kiss, no notes. 131
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 15/10/2025Phan confirmation is the best, least surprising news of the week. 010
Reposted by David F PorteousStilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 27/09/2025NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Uncommon Death Adder with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h18m21s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00253/ Look for it in your podcast app of choice. Like it? Please tell your friends and consider throwing in a tip. the9pmedict.com/tip 136
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 25/07/2025Passed 70,000 words in the book today. Is this half way? Unclear. It's part of my approach to writing that I know how the book finishes, but I don't know everything that needs to happen between here and there. 030
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 20/07/2025Like a week ago "After the Gold Rush" by Neil Young crept into my head. Delightful, honkily-twanky song with a name and context I don't understand. It's very much like an owl that somehow got trapped in a banjo. 050
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 17/07/2025The comments of Diane Abbott on the fact that visual minorities experience discrimination in different ways than other minorities are *obviously* true. It isn't antisemitic to say that you can see a black person half a mile away, but you can't tell if someone is Jewish just by looking at them. 100
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 21/05/2025I'm not a big conspiracy theorist. But... I think... maybe... it's possible... Israel tried to fix the Eurovision Song Contest. That's crazy though - right? RIGHT? 110
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 15/05/2025"New phone, Houthis" is my favourite Houthis pun looking for a joke. Right after "Timhouthis Chalamet". This is the experimental phase of joke development. This is how you invent joke velcro. 2152
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 14/05/2025@stilgherrian.com I see the Liberals are experimenting with a new leader - like a summer girlfriend. Not someone they'll marry. Probably not even take home to meet the parents or introduce to all their friends. A pleasant memory to look back on before they get serious (around 2027). 100
Reposted by David F PorteousRaygan @ramblindragon.bsky.social · 05/05/2025Implement a 100% tariff and ruin a movie Big Trouble in China 021
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 04/05/2025Steven Miller's favourite Game of Thrones character is Joffre. 020
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 03/05/2025BTW - congratulations to Canada and Australia. Good job everyone. England's local elections continue to be problematic.... 030
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 02/05/2025The dumber the thing you want to say, the more flags you need to say it in front of. 031
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 01/05/2025Guys... 1 man vs 1 gorilla isn't a certain outcome. We're the apex species. Have some damn self confidence. 021
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 30/04/2025Star Wars rules are very clear - big fat Jedis are more powerful. In all 7 of the films I'm prepared to acknowledge, we never see a big fat Jedi get killed, while tiny little Yoda loses or draws every fight, then dies of boredom or possibly trench foot. Checkmate, doctors who believe in the Force. 020
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 29/04/2025To all the people out there who aren't tired - how? 031
Reposted by David F PorteousStilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 28/04/2025NEW PODCAST: “The 9pm Bears of Heaven with David F Porteous” @dfpiii.bsky.social (1h36m17s) the9pmedict.com/edict/00246/ Look for “The 9pm Edict” in your podcast app. Like it? Please tell your friends and maybe throw in a tip at the9pmedict.com/tip. 224
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 28/04/2025"Ocarina of Slice of Bread on Top for Patriots" is probably going to be the smartest thing I say all day and it's infinitely niche and objectively very stupid. 010
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 25/04/2025What won't make it to the podcast - the line: "You can sing the n-word in Goldfinger, it's just tougher to get it in than Gold Digger. But if you really want to command the attention of the karaoke bar, that's how you do it." I'm not even saying I said it - I'm just saying it won't be in the pod. 010
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 23/04/2025I keep performing black magic rituals in my dreams. That's nothing to worry about, right? That's a thing that happens to all of us non-doomed, un-cursed flesh beings from time to time? Anyway, back to bed. These candles in the shape of baby heads aren't going to arrange themselves probably. 051
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 23/04/2025I understand that Australia faces the difficult choice between a terrible option backed by the Murdoch press and a good option opposed by the Murdoch press. And there's a very angry bench involved. 121
Reposted by David F PorteousStilgherrian @stilgherrian.com · 17/04/2025ROUTINE PLUG: The current crowdfunder is currently 79% of the way to Target One with five and a bit days to go. I’ve just added the rewards relevant to “Another Untitled Music Podcast” should you want more of those. Please consider. I’ll update you tonight. the9pmedict.com/mid2025 124
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 11/04/2025You guys know the iceberg that was hit by the Titanic was *also* destroyed like 112 years ago. You think icebergs live forever? NO. Don't see a lot of documentaries about that. 221
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 09/04/2025I've become so addle-brained that I just reflexively skipped forward twenty minutes on a YouTube video because I was bored. It's 24 hours of rain noise. 010
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 03/04/2025If it turns out the Trump tariffs were created by AI, that would be peak 2025. People who don't think, asking a machine that doesn't know, presenting it all as the genius of the supreme leader, to the applause of rubes. 131
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 01/04/2025If anybody April Fooled me, I missed it. Probably got poisoned. 010
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 31/03/2025Prospective titles for my unforthcoming standup special: *I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (I Hope) *Has A Medium-Sized Penis *Under Oath & Lying Still *Associated with a Ruckus *Help, I'm Stuck In The Poster Printing Machine And This Is My Only Way To Communicate With The Outside World *Big Time Racist 020
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 27/03/2025I don't know who to speak to about this, but it's completely unimportant and I need you to know. Serums. You've seen them. They're the things you put on before you put on moisturiser. They have special things in them - like magic and alien science. And when you see videos of people using serums... 120
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 21/03/2025In *my* day job, I'm not allowed to sell any Venezuelans into slavery in a third country. It's taken HR several days to come back on this, but now they're firm about it. Very firm. Like "no, you can't appeal this" firm. Another example of it being better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission. 120
Reposted by David F PorteousGlenn Moore @thenewsatglenn.bsky.social · 21/11/2024Shakespeare appreciation post 58915
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 20/03/2025420 years from now, they'll release files that prove Switzerland killed Kennedy because he hated clocks. 110
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 19/03/2025My favourite example of future-in-the-past anachronisms is that everyone in Star Trek just shouted their passwords. And they can't stop doing it! 030
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 17/03/2025BTW - I have never sold a single book in Russia. As far as I know. Just in case the CIA are listening and have to spend a big budget before financial year end. 020
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 17/03/2025The CIA promoted Jackson Pollock paintings to annoy the Soviets (perhaps creating modern art). There's a lesson for aspiring artists in any field - when seeking grant funding, loudly declare at every opportunity how much your country's enemies don't like what you're doing. #amwriting 020
David F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 14/03/2025When you accidentally send all of your direct reports at work a note about how, sometimes, “too many cups” bewilder you. #leadership 130
Reposted by David F PorteousDavid F Porteous @dfpiii.bsky.social · 10/03/2025An update on what I #amwriting, including a new chapter two describing the imprisonment and escape of our hero from the dungeon of an ancient fortress. Comments welcome here and on blog. www.dfpiii.com/blog/the-scu...media.tenor.coma black and white drawing of a castle on a hilltopALT: a black and white drawing of a castle on a hilltop 012