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Tommy Files: The Game Is Up
For years, Stephen Lennon, better known as Tommy Robinson, has asked his supporters to fund his political campaigns, legal battles and media operation. Now his finances are coming under unprecedented ...
![Scene is a Victorian drawing room; a group of gentlemen is assembled for a meeting. At the front of the room, stood at a large blackboard, is SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, the inventor of bank holidays. The board has a calendar drawn on it. Also in the room is a SMALL DOG sat on the floor.
1
LUBBOCK:
And so gentlemen, I, Sir John Lubbock, hereby announce
2
LUBBOCK:
The invention of ‘bank holidays’!
Legally protected days off work, for the whole nation to rest.
AUDIENCE:
CLAP CLAP CLAP
3
LUBBOCK (marking days on the calendar):
My first two bank holidays shall be at Easter...
and then another straight after in May...
4
LUBBOCK:
And then - what the hell - another one in May!
And then one in August!
AUDIENCE:
Hurrah!
5
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
So many, Sir John?
LUBBOCK (grabbing him by the lapel, his face ecstatic)
Life is for living, man!
6
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
And then in the Autumn, sir….?
7
[Lubbock looks sideways. He is distracted by the SMALL DOG. It has started scooting its bum across the floor]
8
LUBBOCK:
Ugh.
[his face has dropped, it's totally grossed him out]
9
LUBBOCK:
OK that'll do
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
What?
10
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Is that it? You’ve put loads in the summer…
LUBBOCK:
Yeah
no more bank holidays till Christmas.
11
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Sir - have you just condemned future generations to long winters of unalleviated toil... because you saw my dog scooting its arse and it killed your vibe?
12
LUBBOCK:
It's so gross
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Rollo can’t help it!
[dog continues to scoot across floor]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiabf3hhw7b35mdikzkfjgdhadqnge5zvvyrdaeu5ql4t24rmbqbni)
![[Scene is exterior of THE PENTAGON]
1
[Voice from inside Pentagon]:
Sir, I’d like you to meet...
2
[Interior scene now - a SERGEANT is talking to a higher-up GENERAL]
SERGEANT:
Our newest recruit in the war on the British.
3
SERGEANT:
Brandon Cardreader.
[the door opens and a pub-style CARD READER is in the doorway].
4
GENERAL:
Are you a loyal American, Cardreader?
CARD READER:
Yessir!
5
CARD READER:
Designed and made in California, sir.
6
SERGEANT:
The plan is to get Cardreader a job in a London pub…
undercover of course, ‘pounds’ instead of dollars...
CARD READER:
I’m fluent.
7
SERGEANT:
But his tipping options?
They’ll remain American.
[Show Card Reader’s screen saying “TIP?”, and the options “15%, 25%, 35%”]
8
SERGEANT:
Being shown this in an awkward context will scramble the delicate class-shame circuitry of the British mind.
[Show a visualisation on a TV screen of this happening]
9
SERGEANT:
Some will tip 35% out of embarrassment
Then some more…
Soon it’ll be normal…
10
GENERAL:
Won’t they just stop drinking?
SERGEANT:
No.
11
SERGEANT:
In a year they’ll be bankrupt. In five years…
GENERAL:
My God…
12
GENERAL:
They’ll be American.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidr7ec7gw2h44z24gwgfdv3i6pq47vsmhwjofnvjnd6hp7fuh235m)
![1
[outside view of a toothpaste factory, signalled with a big sign on top in shape of a toothpaste tube]
SCIENTIST [a voice coming from inside factory]:
So that's decided
2
SCIENTIST:
We're going to make the three types of toothpaste...
[he gestures to three tubes of toothpaste in front of him]
3
SCIENTIST:
Fluoride, Slightly Different Fluoride, and Flouride But Sensitive.
[voice from off-scene];
WAIT!
4
[a CHARACTER has entered. They are dressed like a magician. I've not decided what sort of character, maybe like an animal in a top hat or something. But magician-esque. They are named David Advanced Plus+].
SCIENTIST:
Who are you?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm David Advanced Plus+
5
SCIENTIST:
Plus plus?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Plus+
6
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm David Advanced Plus+ and I want you to watch carefully...
7
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm going to say the magic word....
8
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Activeprocharcoalgumproproformula3Dshinepearlssensicooolingvisiwhitecharcoalproprotectproprotectplus+PLUS+ !
9
[he waves his wand and lots of different-coloured toothpaste tubes appear]
10
SCIENTIST:
So many toothpastes! Are they...better?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Are they bollocks
11
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
They are exactly the same...
...but plus+.
12
SCIENTIST:
Plus plus?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Plus+.
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreifyfh7ith5jx2s5woivw355gjzoc3kef2vf4nhkbalkukkz5syrpe)