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Dan Telfer

@dantelfer.com
1.9K followers 181 following 1.1K posts

Stand-up Comic / @darkestwhimsy.com’s Dungeon Master / Voice Over Person / former MAD Magazine & The Onion editor / currently writing games & scripts dantelfer.com

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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 29/09/2026
I wouldn’t say I *enjoyed* interviewing with someone who ghosted me on Hinge two years ago, but I’ve never felt so liberated from the frustrating ambiguity of whether I’ll hear back from them
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 29/09/2026
Mighty bold move making a movie whose plot is “the movie audience versus Mark Zuckerberg” when Zuckerberg has already won and is gloating about how stupid and poor the audience is 🤷🤷🤷 Imagine how bold I would be to say this on THREADS
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 28/09/2026
Deleting it was so satisfying. Lost my largest platform, so I get it, but no regerts
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Cheryl Lynn Eaton @cheryllynneaton.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Breaking: Man who invited vampires inside because he wanted to live forever suddenly concerned about being one of the damned.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 28/09/2026
An advance congratulations and you’re welcome to everyone inviting me to a halloween-related gathering during this next month
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Reposted by Dan Telfer
Chloe 🦋 @boopcreate.com · 25/09/2026
Having a tough time making my midterm voting decision. Do I vote for the Democratic candidate who forgot to return their cart at the grocery store once or the Republican candidate who promises to eradicate millions of Americans and use my tax money to bomb schools? Both sides always have issues!
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 25/09/2026
can we call it “28 Years Later: The Bone Zone” yet?
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 24/09/2026
Y’ALL. @jackiekashian.bsky.social is on the new @darkestwhimsy.com! Such a fun, insane episode- which I say as a proudly medicated bonkers person- youtu.be/72YaCDlgYe0?...
youtu.be
Darkest Whimsy - Episode 22
YouTube video by Darkest Whimsy
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 23/09/2026
“Now that everyone has been laid off and it’s just three of us executives in an empty building the profits are gonna ROLL IN WOOOO CONGRATS SHAREHOLDERS WAIT WHY ARE THE OTHER TWO EXECS TRY TO STAB ME WITH IMPROVISED KNIVES”
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 23/09/2026
I love LA, but I don’t love having a narcissist almost kill me in traffic because they swerved while on a dating app and driving, having them decide it was somehow my fault, and then following me and trying to run me off the road for 20 minutes. The food here is so good, though
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 22/09/2026
All of California hates this smug, lying, transphobic trash bag. It’s really saying something about how low key conservative California can be, that all our other options were a million times worse. Let everyone out of state never stop hearing how bad he is at his job.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 22/09/2026
It feels like no coincidence that since he eats so horribly, we all predicted he’d die in office from fatal diarrhea, and now he’s rigged it so we all get fatal diarrhea from fresh fruits and vegetables
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 22/09/2026
oh lordt twitch.tv/TelferDan
twitch.tv
TelferDan - Live on Twitch
Oh gawd | Streaming games + demos.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 22/09/2026
despite my aversion to horror video games, the new Resident Evil movie is so good that I am going to start streaming Requiem tonight. oh goddddd
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 17/09/2026
“It’s just a tool,” they said, smiling, shoving us down onto the rocks, drawing the AI knife, and gutting us like a fish
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 17/09/2026
Great how we replaced all artists with clumsy chatbots instead of inventing useful things like a dry erase marker that works TWICE
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 16/09/2026
he literally made the whole country more poor, and then bribed everyone to let him keep doing it
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 16/09/2026
Oh great, now I have to be jealous of people booked on Comics Unleashed, of all things. Please. I am begging you. Don’t bring back Hee Haw unless I’m in with the booker!
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 16/09/2026
I get it if you mess up my pronouns. They’re tough for some people. It doesn’t make me mad, I can usually shrug it off. BUT: I loudly declared they/them a few years ago, and it’s kinda LITERALLY the LEAST a person can do. Try to at least stop calling me man, guy, etc. I am not these things. 🩷🫡
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 15/09/2026
Thank you for all the birthday wishes, mega-corporations. Though friends may forget, on my deathbed I shall savor your enthusiastic 15% off select items one day a year.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 10/09/2026
Apparently I have been pronouncing “Nutella” wrong all my life It’s actually pronounced “NEW-data-centers-are-STILL-being-built-EVERY-DAY”
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 10/09/2026
“I know there’s witeral concentwation camps, but I am SO SOWWY i dwive a 1940 Volkswagen!” Every day is full of choices
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 10/09/2026
I am a spluttering bleeding heart, but I have yet to feel a drop of empathy when I see an apologetic Tesla bumper sticker
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 09/09/2026
Sure there’s no jobs and strawberries are poison, but my phone FOLDS!
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 08/09/2026
The first step towards becoming a great writer is figuring out how to use the word “defenestrate” in a sentence. The second step is learning to resist defenestrating yourself every time you forget to save your latest draft.
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Caleb Zane Huett @calebzane.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
oh you have a blog? a podcast? that's neat. how many of your apprentices are now masters unto themselves, carrying forward the sacred truth of your homebrewed initiative rules?
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 07/09/2026
Joke’s on you: my reply was just Reply Guy bait
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Alexa Ray Corriea @alexaray.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
What if we kissed at the Leia strangling Jabba statue
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 07/09/2026
maggots for brains is an insane banger
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 05/09/2026
Remember when you didn’t get 9 spam calls an hour, 24/7? Oh, late stage capitalism, you really are as annoying as you are deadly
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 05/09/2026
Bigots know they can’t win an actual debate; they only show up to ruin your day
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 04/09/2026
Late night streaming! twitch.tv/TelferDan
twitch.tv
TelferDan - Live on Twitch
Oops, All Sombra | Streaming overwatch.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 01/09/2026
Be the Judy-from-Cyberpunk-2077 you want to see in the world
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 31/08/2026
Around once a year, a friend will say “Reddit is great, post your issue over there, people will have insight!” And I will go back, post, and immediately the subreddit deconstructs me, says my issue isn’t real because of factual errors, and I delete my account again i am too soft for this world
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 30/08/2026
Anyone else on PS5 have Cyberpunk 2077 removed from their game library, despite having paid full price for it years ago? PSN does say if I upgrade to PS+ Extra I can download it again, though! I have never felt less confident about digital-only media. Hey @cdprojektred.com, what the heck?
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 27/08/2026
There’s a new Star Wars game?! twitch.tv/TelferDan
twitch.tv
TelferDan - Live on Twitch
New Star Wars?! | Streaming star wars zero company.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 27/08/2026
Nightswimming deserves a body of water The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago Showing what water was like before data centers Every streetlight reveals evaporative cooling in reverse Still, it's so much clearer I forgot my artwork at the aggregrator Hydration’s low tonight
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 27/08/2026
There’s a new playable D&D species on the @darkestwhimsy.com Patreon! Sign up to get the PDF, you also support the show AND a lore primer! www.patreon.com/darkestwhims...
patreon.com
Red Pandafolk - Playable Race | Darkest Whimsy
Red Pandafolk - Playable Race by Darkest Whimsy on Patreon. Join Darkest Whimsy's community for exclusive content and updates.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 27/08/2026
We will have lightsabers with tentacle blades before a Star Wars video game lets you make a non-binary custom character.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 25/08/2026
Sometimes I like to listen to music at a café and openly sob when the Lord of the Rings score gets to the penny whistle part. As a treat!
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 25/08/2026
Today’s Fun Fact: Green Day released Dookie AFTER Nirvana released In Utero, which is insane to exactly one person
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Joel @itsjoels.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
This is the letter kids got at the end of Dolly’s Imagination Library. I defy you to read this and not cry.
Sorry, I can’t type that.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 25/08/2026
Try not to date artists. You’ll eventually notice they’re 99% avoidant narcissists who create their most powerful work while running away from people who adore them. Watch free comedy instead! Thursday!
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 25/08/2026
It’s stunning how many people would rather dig their heels in and die on a tiny hill before they’d show you kindness
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 25/08/2026
So many people aren’t taking this seriously
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 22/08/2026
a fun thing I found out is that if you come out as a lesbian you claim all that cocaine on your taxes
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 21/08/2026
Seeing him get shredded for his Diablo 4 build kept me sane for a whole week!
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 20/08/2026
Are the people who voted for all the food to be poison still yelling at us for being mean to them?
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 15/08/2026
The thing he got the most right was that people could be broken and their story could end tragically without any heroes. What he got the most wrong was the oppressors wearing the mask of socialism.
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Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 12/08/2026
JK is an executive producer. These actors saying they disagree with her are shoveling millions into anti-trans causes. I’d get a lot more work if I didn’t comment, but the lack of empathy out there is terrifying. I would rather use my platform than never sleep again. Please don’t watch this show.
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