ALT: a man in a black shirt is playing drums

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...

TOLEDO, OH—Bending down to hug her in her wheelchair before quickly saying their goodbyes, members of the Schueller family reportedly cut their nursing home visit short Thursday so that their grandmother, Anna Schueller, could get back to her excruciating loneliness. “Well, we probably should be going, because we don’t want to keep Nana from sitting in crushingly painful solitude any longer than we already have,” said grandson Andrew Schueller, adding that, while he’d love to stay longer, he knows this is the time his grandmother usually spends motionless in her chair looking at nothing in particular, overwhelmed by the loss of connection she once felt with other human beings and the world in general. “Plus, I think we’ve tired her out enough already, so we should really let her get to bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of all that she’s lost. Especially because she’s got a long day devoid of any human warmth tomorrow.” The Schullers added that they’ll definitely be back to visit their grandmother on a day when she doesn’t already have plans to sit blankly in front of the television and silently contemplate whether her ongoing private agony is any better or worse than being dead.