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Chris Hicks

@writechriswrite.bsky.social
731 followers 1.1K following 478 posts

Nineteenth century brain in a twenty-first century head. Horror author. Netflix sent me a check once. My cats were not impressed.

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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I am one of the “many more” in this
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
This weekend is brought to you by the Ace of Wands. If you were waiting for a sign, this is it. The iron is hot, strike early and strike often.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
A musical about a jam Trappist Monk who aspires to be a beer Trappist Monk. Call it Brother Marmalade.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
Some Trappist monks make beer, while some Trappist monks make jam. Do they get to choose or is it like dodgeball in gym class and the captains pick their teams?
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
You can lead a horse to the library but you can’t make him read. Because it’s a fucking horse.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
Did you know that there is a word for when Natalie Portman calls a tow truck? It’s called a Portmantow.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
The first draft is the caterpillar. The finished story is the butterfly. The middle is the soup inside the cocoon where the caterpillar dissolves into goo. Trust the soup.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
There is rum a plenty, it’s the pineapple juice that needs restocked.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
When I say I’m addicted to painkillers, I’m referring to the rum drink.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
Trump’s hands look like this because he keeps accidentally destroying Stephen Miller’s horcruxes.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
Currently reading
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Brand new splatterpunk serial launching on Substack. This one gets messy.
open.substack.com
Out, Damned Spot! Chapter 1
How It Started.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
It requires two leashes to control this monster.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
Your package arrives sad but intact.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 13/04/2026
Me: Hey, where’s my file? OneDrive: In the cloud for immediate access from any device! Me: I’m looking now and can’t find it. Where is it? OneDrive: Your file is available on desktop, mobile, tablet, smart TV, and refrigerator display. Me: <bashes head against keyboard>
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 12/03/2026
Every time I report one of these as spam the loan amount goes up by $6,000.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Same. Thought I was having a stroke when I read it back to myself.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Humpty Dumpty was wallmaxxing when he got gravitymogged.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
She needs a spotter
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 10/02/2026
Checking my wife’s calendar and found she added a new event for March 10th.
Bad Bunny’s birthday is March 10th.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 07/02/2026
My wife got mad this morning because I wasn’t paying attention to the reels she was showing me. I was still watching the reels she texted me.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 24/01/2026
Remember to blindfold your car before the snowstorm so it doesn’t get scared.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 23/01/2026
Easy way to remember: The reign in Spain ended with the king in twain. To rein in Spain they won the crowd with grain.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 23/01/2026
Ever just be walking and your knee forgets how to knee? Mine just did. Now I have a limp with no origin story.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 13/01/2026
Congratulations, your vision boards worked. A brand new short story is live:
open.substack.com
The Universe is Listening
A Workplace Horror Story (B-Side #5)
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 07/01/2026
Glorious.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 11/12/2025
Just dropped a new coastal horror story. When the tide goes out too far, something else comes in. Read now:
open.substack.com
The House on Dead Ebb Tide
Some tides return. Some take everything with them. (B-Side #3)
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 01/12/2025
Thoughts on the finale of The Chair Company.
chrishicks.substack.com
The Brilliance of The Chair Company
What if Don Quixote thought he was Edward Snowden?
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 20/11/2025
Just dropped a new post-apocalyptic short story: A guy hell-bent on keeping his morning commute intact as society crumbles around him. Dark, funny, and uncomfortably relatable if you’ve ever clung to routine to cope with chaos. Still Here - read for free below. The Apocalypse Will Be Banalized.
open.substack.com
Still Here
The future becomes terrifying once it feels normal. (B-Side #2)
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 17/11/2025
A new standalone story is available over on Substack, click below to check it out.
open.substack.com
B-Sides #1 - A Slice of Luck
A one-off from the Disco Insomnium cutting room floor. No ghosts, no demons, just pie, a gun, and a gambler who should’ve kept driving.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 12/11/2025
Mama, just killed a man.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 12/11/2025
Kids: you need to stop texting visual puns, they’re not funny. Me: Oh yeah? Well, this graph says otherwise:
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 11/11/2025
Chapter 1 is live on Substack!
open.substack.com
All You Can Eat - Chapter One
An Invited Guest
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 10/11/2025
Belly up to the counter for a buffet of terror.
open.substack.com
All You Can Eat – Teaser
An eight-part serial novella. The first course drops Tuesday, November 10th.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 06/11/2025
You misheard me. I didn’t say there is a lot of money to be made from writing. I said there is a lot of money to be made from writers. And you can too, if you sign up for my six week Masterclass on…
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 05/11/2025
Batting cleanup on today’s writing playlist:
youtu.be
Emma Ruth Rundle - Marked For Death (Official Audio)
YouTube video by Sargent House
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 05/11/2025
🚨 I ghosted my Substack for a year. Now I’m back with weekly horror/sci-fi shorts. No cigarettes, just nightmares. First drop: Tuesday. (P.S. Ever wondered if you can milk a pigeon? Click below, then subscribe.) 🐦💀
open.substack.com
Reviving This Before My Mom Unsubscribes
Or, How My Substack Went to Buy Cigarettes and Disappeared for Over a Year
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 31/10/2025
Watched Halloween 3: The Season of the Witch for the first time since watching it in the 80s.
media.tenor.com
thanos says " perhaps i treated you too harshly " in a scene from a movie
ALT: thanos says " perhaps i treated you too harshly " in a scene from a movie
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 28/10/2025
Aggressive virus infected monkeys weren’t on my bingo card for this year, but that’s on me.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 28/10/2025
AARP should change its name to AAOPWWNRAWUTAD
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 28/10/2025
It's easy to forget, but some days you just have to remind yourself that you have survived every bad day you've had in your life, which means you're undefeated.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 25/10/2025
My wife was trying on dresses and asked me, “do I look good or do I look skinny?”
media.tenor.com
a cartoon character says this could be a trap in a dark room
ALT: a cartoon character says this could be a trap in a dark room
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 24/10/2025
For anyone in Columbus, Ohio the Ohio Horror Writer’s Association has event with the Columbus Library on 10/26. I’ll be reading a brand new story & participating on the panels. Details below:
events.columbuslibrary.org
Super Saturday Spook-tacular at Main Library
Make Main Library your destination one Saturday of every month and enjoy special programming and activities for adults. In October, meet members of the Ohio Horror Writers Association!
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 21/10/2025
She’s trying to decide if she can walk on the door trim. She’s almost ready for the cat version of Ninja Warrior.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 21/10/2025
She’s part mountain goat, always going up, never down.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 18/10/2025
#NoKings
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 16/10/2025
Owl pounce at half speed. Not sure what she’s hunting but she’s chewing on something.
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Chris Hicks @writechriswrite.bsky.social · 16/10/2025
Me every time the stock market tanks.
media.tenor.com
a cartoon character from south park is pointing at a blackboard with multiplication written on it
ALT: a cartoon character from south park is pointing at a blackboard with multiplication written on it
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