And totally 100% cheating by mentioning someone else's characters, but someday @professoremily.bsky.social ... someday...
The One Where Noah Opens a Window
The One with the Nwissy
Walker Harris
@walkerharris.net
2.1K followers 1.3K following 8.4K posts
He/him. Author. Anti-AI, Pro-LGBTQIA+. Philosopher Queens: rock romance serial about lives & loves of an indie band ❤️🎸 Felcrown: fantasy adventure serial & ttrpg setting about a megadungeon that becomes a city WalkerHarris.net
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Wynne & AJ, Kyle’s adult kids, get him to show off his juggling skills for Rachel as they hang out at a bonfire]
I love seeing him smiling like this again.
“Well, damn!” Rachel says as she stands up to give him a silly standing ovation. “How did you learn how to do that?”
Dad says, “Natural talent. I was juggling in the nursery. No, you will actually find this hilarious, so what the heck. I went to a clown camp in the summers during college. A pretty prestigious one.”
“No. Fucking. Way! You wanted to be a clown?! That explains so much.” She takes his hat off and spins it towards him.
Of course, he catches it on his head.
AJ says, “Yeah, he wanted to be one of those… what are they called? That go to hospitals?”
“Caring clown,” he says. “That’s not important.”
His smile goes away. Instead he gets that other look on his face. That one that breaks my heart still, a lifetime later. I wonder if he regrets not following up on that. However, there might be another reason.
“Dad,” I sign. I don’t want to be rude around Rachel, but I’m not sure Dad wants to share this. “I wondered but never asked. Did you want to become a caring clown because of Uncle John?”
He nods slightly and stares at the fire. My heart breaks for him again.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreihrqf7uvgkvkh7xiyxdp7x72uhdn743qjciawgh7rt4jj3mgwhhsi)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Kyle, his kids, Katie, and his dad watch old home movies of Kyle]
I find myself paying less attention as I de-age on the TV, becoming a teenager that Katie finds “adorkable” as she says, and then a pre-teen. I am not just watching people who have been dearest to me unwind from my life, but also watching myself unwind, until…
Oh no! I stop zoning out and my attention snaps back in as Dad clicks “BDay and Colorado.”
“Dad, we don’t need to watch that one,” I say. “We can skip these.”
“I want to see all of us one more time,” he says, his voice shaky. “And show Katie all of us. All of us.”
I put a hand on Katie’s shoulder and try to figure out how to prepare her but I’m too late.
The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words. The first image alone conveys all of that and more. I was 10 and am sitting with John on his hospital bed helping him hold his 8th birthday cake. Even as sick as he was by then, I forgot how much we looked alike as we had huge smiles and arms around each other. He still had so much life in him.
Katie gasps and puts a hand to her mouth to stifle the noise. Her other hand grabs mine and her shoulders shake as she starts to cry.
Mine do, too.
AJ solemnly says, “That’s our Uncle John.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreicy4oqtkdefgzwrfpq2iz3xuq5oblwjstxi7xmrvlz3z5ko7npz5m)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Katie & Kyle are laying opposite directions in the grass with the faces together, cheek to cheek]
I could try tearing the pretzel in half, hoping it does not annoy me if I do not use a knife to more accurately cut it. However, a better, bolder idea comes to mind. I reach up and hold it out in front of his mouth.
He takes a bite. Then he hums softly and I feel it as much as hear it. “It’s still warm. And I agree. This is all very lovely.”
I take a bite and ask, “So have you just been staring at the sky this whole time?” Part of me recoils at talking to him with a bite of pretzel in my mouth, but that part is easy to quiet. I first met him by apologizing with a mouthful of cookie and every day since it has grown easier around Kyle to simply not worry about so many things that normally clutter my mind. I do not stress about following scripts of how I should act and how I should talk.
With Kyle, I can just be.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreiflje4a73m3ejajrfpya752kozhiqxlcyyxxwl6zlnixhnjhxrjr4)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
He says, “In being vulnerable, and opening yourself up like that—whether on stage or to someone special—there’s honesty. That’s why as much as I really don’t enjoy being terrified every time I go on stage, I appreciate it. It means I’m being vulnerable, and the honesty and passion that vulnerability brings can be magic.”
[Katie] “Wow, you sure are being fucking profound.”
“I’m on a roll. You better watch out because I’m coming for your covers now.”
“Watch what you say about my covers!” I point at him in mock anger. “I will push you off this stage if you disrespect them.”
“No, no, no. They are amazing! I love them. Just… hear me out and please don’t push me, but I was thinking the other day and since I’m being fucking profound, I just want to put it out there for consideration. You can pick it up or let it go as you like.”
“Continue.”
“It’s just that when I was watching one of those action shoot ‘em ups, it occurred to me that ‘cover’ is an interesting word.” He looks at me with such sincerity that I have to turn away. “Cover is what you hide behind to avoid being hurt—being vulnerable. I’m not saying your covers are necessarily that, of course. It’s a rare talent to create such magic with a unique cover arrangement, especially as consistently as you do, so mad props to ya.” He gestures as if he is gently laying something down in front of me. “I am just placing that thought out there for your consideration. Nothing more.”
“Thank you. That… is something to consider. I have wondered about it as well, but it is good to hear it out loud. I promise I will think about it.”
“Pah. No need to promise anything to me.” It is his turn to pat my hand. “You are going to be a star, and I just hope you shine as bright as you can.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreibernmclvdr4tf2banlryblee46u3d442fy6ybw6ei7ov7uonbfna)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript with the word 'subscribe' highlighted.
[Kyle confronts Rachel about her feelings for Katie. She admits to it but says it wouldn’t work out and that Katie & Kyle are a wonderful couple that she won’t interfere with.]
“Alright,” he says. “Just if she ever realizes what a mistake she has made dating me, I can’t think of anyone I would rather she dumped me for than you. So if things ever change between you two, I promise I won’t get weird about it.”
[Rachel] “You sure?”
“Well, I would like pictures, or better yet multicamera-angle videos.”
“You’re a dork.”
“I own it.”
“We should probably go help AJ with breakfast before Katie comes out of the shower and sees us in here with the door shut.”
“Yes! Don’t make my girlfriend mad at me less than 12 hours after we start dating! Go!”
As we get up, I put my hand by my mouth and lean over conspiratorially, “Speaking of pictures or videos, if you two ever get into that and want to share, I’m just saying I’d subscribe.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreicuoqaw5hatwjca56dlf7sm6khailzpbersjqjpb3thx7vu35zcqe)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Katie asked Kyle if he as *enjoyed* the sexy photos she’s been sending him. He did once but felt guilty and apologized if that was creepy.]
A smiles brightens that lovely face again. "Oh! I am sorry for not being clear earlier then. I formally give you permission to enjoy the pictures I have sent and thoughts of me in any pleasurable way you like.” Her voice returns to that deeper level that is really doing things for me. “In fact—”
“Wait.” A sudden realization strikes me. “Have you?!"
Her forehead scrunches up as she winces. "Maaaybeee. I am sorry I should have asked. Was that creepy of me?"
Oh holy wow.
I'm trying to find words to reply with and she is actually looking worried she did something wrong. I say, "No! No, that's fine. I... you... uh... Ok. Collecting thoughts. I formally give you permission as well, even for past... uh… pleasurings. I honestly hadn't thought you or anyone would fantasize about me like that!"
"I really should have asked. You resisted because it was wrong, and here I have sometimes been just going at it while thinking of you assuming you would be ok with it."](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreifcy3lzzxxl6gejozw57zemlldnduhhjblzi3ext6ceq4h2sntyg4)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Rachel] This time, I’m just walking through the camping area quietly thinking to myself.
I’m surprisingly ok with that.
This year isn’t a party. It is a turning point. The Philosopher Queens’ big debut.
Some older teens pass by and one of the girls is wearing a Philosopher Queens t-shirt. I smile and wave. They recognize me and excitedly ask for a selfie together. Afterwards, they walk away giggling excitedly about meeting me.
That is really cool. I can get used to that.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreibh3c4eey3svdjvf6r4pipk2sz2gbxab3tesd22qyfn5c7ah2jklu)
