We feel this so much, too. My son went to a great school for a comp sci degree. When he started, it was a promising career and he weathered the pandemic crash while still in school.
Then he graduated during that down slope and any job he applies to has hundreds of applicants.
It’s bleak.
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Wynne & AJ, Kyle’s adult kids, get him to show off his juggling skills for Rachel as they hang out at a bonfire]
I love seeing him smiling like this again.
“Well, damn!” Rachel says as she stands up to give him a silly standing ovation. “How did you learn how to do that?”
Dad says, “Natural talent. I was juggling in the nursery. No, you will actually find this hilarious, so what the heck. I went to a clown camp in the summers during college. A pretty prestigious one.”
“No. Fucking. Way! You wanted to be a clown?! That explains so much.” She takes his hat off and spins it towards him.
Of course, he catches it on his head.
AJ says, “Yeah, he wanted to be one of those… what are they called? That go to hospitals?”
“Caring clown,” he says. “That’s not important.”
His smile goes away. Instead he gets that other look on his face. That one that breaks my heart still, a lifetime later. I wonder if he regrets not following up on that. However, there might be another reason.
“Dad,” I sign. I don’t want to be rude around Rachel, but I’m not sure Dad wants to share this. “I wondered but never asked. Did you want to become a caring clown because of Uncle John?”
He nods slightly and stares at the fire. My heart breaks for him again.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreihrqf7uvgkvkh7xiyxdp7x72uhdn743qjciawgh7rt4jj3mgwhhsi)
![Screenshot of a work-in-progress manuscript.
[Kyle, his kids, Katie, and his dad watch old home movies of Kyle]
I find myself paying less attention as I de-age on the TV, becoming a teenager that Katie finds “adorkable” as she says, and then a pre-teen. I am not just watching people who have been dearest to me unwind from my life, but also watching myself unwind, until…
Oh no! I stop zoning out and my attention snaps back in as Dad clicks “BDay and Colorado.”
“Dad, we don’t need to watch that one,” I say. “We can skip these.”
“I want to see all of us one more time,” he says, his voice shaky. “And show Katie all of us. All of us.”
I put a hand on Katie’s shoulder and try to figure out how to prepare her but I’m too late.
The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words. The first image alone conveys all of that and more. I was 10 and am sitting with John on his hospital bed helping him hold his 8th birthday cake. Even as sick as he was by then, I forgot how much we looked alike as we had huge smiles and arms around each other. He still had so much life in him.
Katie gasps and puts a hand to her mouth to stifle the noise. Her other hand grabs mine and her shoulders shake as she starts to cry.
Mine do, too.
AJ solemnly says, “That’s our Uncle John.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:vejdejmydqe6svdy3ut5qjdb/bafkreicy4oqtkdefgzwrfpq2iz3xuq5oblwjstxi7xmrvlz3z5ko7npz5m)
