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All the merch in the Onion Store will be considered rare collectibles by the year 2067, so get started building your collection today. store.theonion.com/products/the-oni…

The Onion Newspaper: Sept-Oct 2026 w/ Special 9/11 Reprint

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Man Who Lost Everything In Crypto Just Wishes Several Thousand More People Had Warned Him theonion.com/man-who-lost-everythin…

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WELCOME TO THE VOTING REVOLUTION. The Onion Voting Simulator 3D is now available early for members only. To begin this thrillride through the democratic process, subscribe at membership.theonion.com. This soon-to-be-award-winning game won’t be available to non-members until a later date.

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New Study Finds Ashing Cigarette Out Cracked Car Window On Cold Morning Still Best Way To Start Blue-Collar Workday theonion.com/new-study-finds-ashing…

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Chump To Receive No Compensation For Rescuing Children From Fire

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This Weeks Onion Magazine: Sydney Sweeney, 200 Feet Away And Under A Space Blanket: Let’s See You Pervs Jerk Off To This

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Hacky Pop-Up Book’s Narrative Tension Pretty Dependent On Lifting Colored Flaps theonion.com/hacky-pop-up-book-s-na…

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Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum theonion.com/trump-warns-iran-to-ac…

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TOMORROW: Subscribers to The Onion’s membership will be the first to play The Onion Voting Simulator 3D. Subscribe at link in bio or membership.theonion.com for early access to the most important video game of the midterms season.

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National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass theonion.com/national-park-service-…

National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass
Regulations Eased On Hiding Corpses Amid Natural Beauty Of Yellowstone, Yosemite

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Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus theonion.com/nation-horrified-to-th…

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Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors theonion.com/toys-r-us-to-open-120-…

“I hope they’ll be providing a post I can tie my child to while I shop.”

Leo Skaggs, Celebrity Podiatrist

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Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat

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New Abortion Bill Would Require Fetal Consent

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God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There theonion.com/god-could-have-sworn-h…

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Scientists Locate Impact Crater From Asteroid That Destroyed Roman Empire theonion.com/scientists-locate-impa…

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Study Finds Deer Only Mammal Besides Humans That Totally Suck theonion.com/study-finds-deer-only-…

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You have lots of limitations. Spending shouldn't be one of them. store.theonion.com/products/the-eve…

'The Events Depicted In 'Star Wars' Headline T-Shirt

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Trump To Rename AI ‘Super Intelligence’ On All U.S. Documents theonion.com/trump-to-rename-ai-sup…

“Even the Constitution?”

Anton Pastranak, Systems Analyst

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Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up theonion.com/environmentalists-warn…

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Nation’s 93-Year-Olds Announce Plan To Crash Car Into Side Of Bank theonion.com/nations-93-year-olds-a…

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Cornell Vows That Rapists Will Be Forced To Write Much Longer Essays In The Future theonion.com/cornell-vows...

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Posture Adjusted To Equally Incorrect Posture

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Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen

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Heart-Wrenching Movie Scene Immediately Cuts To Liberty Biberty

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Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’ theonion.com/creatively-tapped-out-…

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Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman theonion.com/area-dad-sure-knows-a-…

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Keep your resolution to read more by perusing our many items with words printed on them. store.theonion.com/products/doj-rem…

'DOJ Removes All Mention Of Justice From Website' Headline T-Shirt

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Man Tries To Save Marriage By Complimenting Wife’s Jacket theonion.com/man-tries-to-save-marr…

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Taylor Swift Surpasses Geppetto The Incredible Waltzing Horse As Most-Awarded VMAs Artist theonion.com/taylor-swift-surpasses…

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