October is such a traumatic month for me and it's looking like that will never change
⋆ Kore ⋆
@subparcircus.bsky.social
96 followers 267 following 263 posts
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![It's the tail end of suicide awareness month, and I feel like I haven't played my part in saying something.
Hi, I'm Kore (pronounced Kor-Ree, not CORE) and I've had suicide attempts since I was 13. I've been passively suicidal since I was 8. I'm alive 8 years after I overdosed and my kidneys went septic. I'm alive a month after my last suicide attempt made in absolute silence. I'm alive to hopefully see my 24th birthday at the end of the year.
I'm also struggling to type this because I don't talk about it outside of a few people.
I've always struggled with my mental health. Going from physically healthy to very unwell, with no insurance, did not make the struggle any easier. I do have reasons to stay (Jayden, Cali, Olly, the few people I can truly call friends); it's just so hard to want to stay.
I've always been called a "downer" or "manipulative" because in high stress situations..the words slip. "I wish I wasn't here," "I regret not following through back on [date]," "I don't want to exist anymore." I just want to evaporate, cease to exist to get away from that stressful situation, not die.
I don't feel like I have ever fit into any space that's welcomed me. I live my life as a ghost online and barely interacting so that if I do cease to exist, there wouldn't be much lost. Even curating my own spaces have felt unwelcoming. I feel like people get bored of me so I withdraw and suppress myself.
I wish people could see me outside of being sad all the time. I wish people understood that, for me, it's no longer a want to die; just a want to not be here. I don't want my sadness and attempts to be all I leave behind as scars that fade in history and memory. I don't want to keep minimizing myself for the sake of acceptance.
I want to be more than just "sad." I want to enjoy existing without feeling like I'm wasting my time. I want to know if an "I love you, I'll be here for you, I want you to stay" is strong enough when I'm not.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:hawr45l2pcctlpvyj6eigg5s/bafkreifshthynwtu4djsb4vpzgdrk45bn2fyg2vkqasvpmf3lnetg5bpm4)
