“Now, you can pick up a Freddy Krueger mask and get your pleural effusion drained all in one trip.” 9/11/25

“Befohr that shit-show at Hastings, there was the shit-show at Stamford Bridge, which is really famous tah people who have good taste but is less populah r’e...

- The National Association of Xylophone X-Ray Zebra Paleontologists, briefly - The sound a chicken bone may make when accidentally dropped into a garbage dis...

“This idea to make Election Day a federal holiday is nothing more than a disgusting political ploy by Democrats to grab power by giving millions the chance t...

“As we’ve said before, the bar for removal under the Twenty-Fifth Amendment is quite high. One little remark about approving the deaths of tens of millions o...

“Oh, you’re having trouble with that little plastic wheelbarrow? Wondering how something that’s only four pieces can take so long to assemble? Me—that’s how,...

“Consider me stupid. Pour money into my state and strangle every aspect of the parts of life I use to acquire information to make choices. Ruin my television...

“Seven former Cornell students are accused in a civil lawsuit of sexually assaulting another Cornell student who says she was incapacitated. Messages alleged...

“Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and ...

“I’m a regular guy like you. I know cars—in fact, I’m married to a car, but please don’t check. So, when I look at a Toyota Camry, I see the watery eyes of a...

“I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe a political party that has dedicated the last forty years to taking away women’s rights could also give some thou...

“First, accept how fun reading isn’t. Words do not blast stim at the rate we enjoy today. Words are old, older than TikTok. Back then, a human would read, ‘F...

“Find an abandoned barn and weave excessive amounts of string lights through the rafters until you’re satisfied with your oversized altar to fall. Heavily dr...

A: Nothing other than plain water for me too. And a little bit of coffee. B: Of course, coffee doesn’t count. Wouldn’t want a headache. Our people have suffe...

THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient p...

Election Profit Makers · Episode

“I know so many things, in my heart. In middle school, I had a crush on a boy who was half-Asian. Or maybe he was Colombian. Either way, now I understand rac...

“I know so many things, in my heart. In middle school, I had a crush on a boy who was half-Asian. Or maybe he was Colombian. Either way, now I understand rac...