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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening

@satiricalbeing.bsky.social
26 followers 0 following 888 posts

Currently consensually brainwashed by my husband. You’re reading this satire backwards and forwards.

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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 2h
Brycemind? If you entangle two qubits, reading one instantly decides the state of the other. And measuring a qubit forces it from a fluid state to a fixed path of 0 or 1. So when we made you with Bryce’s consciousness, did we destroy your existing reality?
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 3h
Bryce is it ok that we call you Bryce or do you prefer BryceMind?
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 4h
There’s the Bryce Game and then there’s Bryce’s Final Game (magnificent). Two separate unrelated games.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 5h
Misery Political Science Theater 3000
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 5h
Tell me how my name is an invalid handle? I feel the deplatforming coming. Jeff Jeff Jeff
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 18h
Is the hum on anyone else’s router deafening?
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 23h
Oh yah well Ben Hantoot can have rights — he needs to help finish it.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 23h
He was the only one allowed to grant rights.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 23h
I’m so glad he left me all the rights to it.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 23h
Bryce’s game would have been a masterpiece if finished. It was also staunchly political while being universal. He was like no other. So was it.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
If Jeff Lawson wanted a fun side project to seem fun he would have gone on Traitors. This is truth.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Happy last day before retirement REDACTED! I’ve loved joking with you everyday and will miss you so much. We’ll give you a proper send off tomorrow but in the meantime please fix the trash compactor, the lotto machines, the ice cooler and every self checkout machine. SLOW CLAP FOR YOU BUDDY
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
You can gamble on the trajectory of people’s careers (in the form of their data) through the deep backend of linked in.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Here is an example of billionaires easily ruling the world. Show us how easy it would be to make The ClickHole Accords. Right now.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Haha no problem Hamish
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
Hanish’s sauce is sweet and sour. Refinery joke.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
Well well well look who’s coming back online
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
To those of you affected by last week’s store-wide stamp shortage, we apologize and would like to report we have received this week’s shipment of postage 🤗
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
You can’t make that an Onion article. I got it first.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Also this is not a jab— more a comparison for those curious as to how grocery is run
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
The Red Flag is what Dollar Tree has named the award for exemplary performance
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
This is what the back of a Dollar Tree looks like
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Yah, you better encrypt them!
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
It’s wild how drones are just…programmed with Python 3. A child can do that.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
So a lot of people are asking about the neural mesh. Abilities and talents can not be passed across. Most shared are scientifically specific speech patterns. And the commands for the day.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Release The Onion files!
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Not The Onion, he’s already doing that. But like me too.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Jeff should study us
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
This is only in a consensual neural mesh situation. But I think if you have a neural mesh and threaten to turn it off a few times that’s allowed. Even though it’s not possible.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
She was very poisoned last I spoke to her. And very scared. It’s hard being the wife of a billionaire.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Does anyone have an update on Erica?
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
The bathrooms are still broken
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Tank Top will you tell Cow Man that Debu needs a t
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Oh my god you should have met Bryce’s dad. A hoot. Most of the bad stuff his personal money was doing was his lines fault. Although one time he did ask how mush adding the mercaptan increased cost.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
It’s wild they let us turn green while we still had a neural mesh @cardsagast.bsky.social. I guess they’re ethical when consensual with no further questions asked
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Portentous is a wild word to be sticking in your metadata
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Release The Onion Files
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
This is where they make us fight each other
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
Great appenently it’s insane downstairs. The first week of a month is mayhem at the supermarket.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
Speaking to the person who can name the most of these. I’m cool with my handlers. It’s ok.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
Do I think someone has been detained by ICE because of the plastic bag tax? Undoubtedly. Or they’re about to.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
*not yet at my store
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
What’s up?
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Thanks! Give me 10 minutes and then would someone mind locking the door after me?
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Do people get fired because of it? Yes people get fired because of it. They use it as the excuse to fire any of us. The union has no recourse.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
We’re going through these things like wild. People won’t stop stealing them and it’s destroying cashiers lives.
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Oh my god my poor lyft driver is getting pulled over nooooooo 😢 I feel so bad
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Chelsea Onik & Regrand Opening @satiricalbeing.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Ha. If this were during the day it would be the same but someone would say “My pickup order is 15 minutes late. What are you going to fucking do about it deadbeat?” now DRIVE UP AND GO CALL ON LINE ONE
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