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Rabidmonkey

@rabidmonkey.bsky.social
52 followers 45 following 536 posts
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Has everyone seen the new cat? You need to see the new cat. It's adorable (and tiny)!
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Reposted by Rabidmonkey
CWendoverS @wendover.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
😢 Dolly was the best of us
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Dear colonoscopy prep drugs, Please stop. Your job is over. I would like to keep some of my new food for a minute.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
A. Definitely A. The exception being if I'm severely lacking in caffeine (having withdrawal symptoms) and then have some. Technically, ceasing to feel like lukewarm dogshit does involve an increase in energy.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
Why does shipt ask if it's okay to deliver your order early? You know, considering if you say "no" they still do it? Hope my frozen food that sat on my doorstep for an hour before I woke up is okay.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
I could have so easily returned home (on my birthday) to find her bleeding out on my patio. But I'm an asshole because I'm falsely accusing her, despite all the clear evidence of what must have happened. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her. She refuses to listen to me or respect my rules.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
So this crazy woman went outside (despite the fact she can barely manage the step out), bent down to retrieve the ashtray (major fall danger), brought a butt inside, and lit in on the stove burner (burn risk.) All for maybe one hit of a wet, stale cigarette.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Honestly assumed at that point that she rummaged my pants pockets while I was asleep, stole a cigarette, and hid it somewhere until I left. It wouldn't be the first time. But then I went outside and realized that the ashtray was about 6 inches from where I left it (no longer under the table.)
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Eventually figured out that a large long john silvers crispy (from yesterday) had fallen into the tray under the stove burner and is now burned to a black crisp, which means the burner has been used while I was gone. Along with the charred crispy, there's a tiny bit of cigarette ash.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Apparently this was a mistake. I walk in to the apartment to the smell of something burnt. No evidence of anything having been over cooked in the microwave, or any food missing that she would have cooked.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Instead of actually emptying my ashtray and taking the trash to the dumpster before leaving the apartment for several hours, I just moved the ashtray to a location where she certainly couldn't get to it with her mobility issues (on the ground, under a little table at the far edge of the patio.)
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Is it weird that this reminded me of that cartoon caterpillar with German accent?
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
Ngl, I'm a total sucker for hearing gay wives mentioned. Just makes me so happy. The more nonchalant the mention, the better.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
School starts later this week here, which is crazy.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Dick and balls with the face of a furby
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
Dear telemarketers, Please learn when to hang up. Stop leaving me short, silent voicemails.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
I don't recognize the language my lyft driver's navigation system is talking in. This is a first.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
I'm already assuming it does and am waiting for more news
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 28/06/2026
I really like a pork tenderloin sandwich, but anything bigger than a 1 inch overhang is performative and ridiculous.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 17/06/2026
Ketchup. The answer is definitely ketchup. But also broccoli, mayo, avocado, bananas, walnuts, and iceberg lettuce.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
Since you're entirely correct about buttered and caramel corn, how do you feel about cheese popcorn?
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
No judgment, but wow. Several of my favorites made your ick list.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
The fact that his shitty ass was born 2 months before my dad just feels so unfair, tbh.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
Free snacks in breakroom today and I made a discovery. If you squeeze cinnamon applesauce on apple chips, it's really good.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
Please.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
Cons: - Sweating my tits off in this heat - The overly enthusiastic hag in front of me at the parade, especially when she was loudly complaining that there should have been scantily clad firemen hanging off the fire truck. Pride is a weird place for *a woman* to be fantasizing about men.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
At pride right now. Pros: - Seeing lots of middle-aged dyke couples wandering around. - The amazing gyro I just ate. Getting tzatziki on my shorts was worth it. - Knowing that the church I would have probably been taken to as a child if my mother had still been religious by then is a sponsor.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
If I say these are for people with multiple 'tisms, does the joke land? Or is the wordplay too clunky?
A grocery shelf containing star shaped tater tots in red, white, and blue packaging.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
The lily got excited about June. It had one bloom Saturday and 2 yesterday, but today it's a full dozen.
A day lily with many dark orange blooms on it.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
Sadly I have acclimated my body to processed junk so well that it now gets mad when I give it real food.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
I can see the post, but must click a button to see the picture. I'm assuming that is what you were going for.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
Ambitious squirrel? Maybe a raccoon?
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
Mothers of the world (or at least this store), I know you are scared of stranger danger, but at some point you need to cut the cord and let your sons use the men's restroom by themselves. When he clearly needs to shave, he's old enough.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
The whole point of a dipped cone is the contrast between the soft ice cream and the crunchy shell. Soft ice cream with an even softer, melty outer layer is just pointless and weird. You could probably save the butter and use it for something else. My first thought is baking cookies.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
The flavor aspect doesn't bother me, but wouldn't that melt the ice cream? Melted butter is pretty warm and soft serve does not hold up well to warm.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
Falling asleep or passing out? Because I spent 30+ years living with a man with narcolepsy and even he never fell asleep while walking.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Task Paralysis Rangoon
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
"More than" implies that she in fact may not have been, which is definitely worse.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 15/04/2026
I know that and I'm not Catholic, not even lapsed.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 15/04/2026
How does someone convert to a religion without understanding one of its most basic tenants? The pope is *the* authority on the church's position on anything and everything.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 15/04/2026
I'm pretty sure that 30 years ago there was just the late buses, no matter what you were staying late for. (There were less than the regular time, with like 3 routes combined for each one and it would only hit the stops people needed.)
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 15/04/2026
I'm guessing after-school detention isn't a thing anymore. Because that's the reason I had to ride the late bus a few times.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 11/04/2026
Between the illiteracy and the accents, the rural south was a hotbed for this. My family tree includes what was presumably originally the Meadows family. Now different branches have different surnames on the authority of whoever was writing the official documents (ex: Medders.)
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
Have not encountered any yet myself. I have seen a few patio roaches and a goddamned wood bee (if they didn't want me to curse at them they would stop flying too close to my head.)
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
We had ducks at work today.
A pair (one male, one female) of ducks sitting in one of those islands of mulch in a parking lot.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 21/03/2026
My condolences because 1) I hear cyst rupture is extremely unpleasant and 2) I know how frustrated I am when my body vetos a Plan (and it's usually not even painful, just an ibs flair that prevents me from going to the laundromat.)
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 14/03/2026
Chew gum. If you have tmj or other issues that make that hard, chug Dr. Pepper until you burp a lot.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 13/03/2026
Booooo. I don't like the new chai, but it's better than the baristas made it sound when they all had to test it out.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 12/03/2026
I used to think shaped chicken nuggets were pointless and silly and that they should just be amorphous blobs. But then I thought about how dinosaurs (raptors specifically) evolved into chickens, and now we turn them back into dinos in nugget form. There's a beauty to that I find really appealing.
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Rabidmonkey @rabidmonkey.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Who has 2 thumbs and seems to be getting a cold/sinus infection? *exasperated sign*
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