iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Victims do not owe you sexual purity to be taken seriously. This should not be difficult to understand.

Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

“Slutty” women also deserve respect. “Slutty” women also deserve to be believed. “Slutty” women deserve just as much personhood and agency as anyone else.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Jane Doe allegedly consented to a threesome with 2 men. She did not consent to a free-for-all with 5 extra men or the rest of the group chat, especially not while incapacitated.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

My main takeaway from Cornell is that a lot of people don’t understand you can do things that people consider “slutty” and still deserve to have your boundaries respected.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

If you're new to figuring out your disclosure boundaries, it's okay to make mistakes because you're still in the process of exploring and learning about yourself! Don't forget to check in regularly and renegotiate if things change. Keep communicating and be respectful 💛

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

Closed questions could be things like, "Did you do XYZ?" (note: make sure to check you're not being overly invasive!) or "Where did you go for drinks?", while open questions are more general like "What was your date like?" or "What did you get up to?".

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

If you're not sure how much information you want to know, it's generally helpful to ask closed as opposed to open questions so you have more control over the details you're exposed to.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

Disclosure boundaries aren't just about you and your partner - they're also about the people you're dating! Don't be blind to couple privilege and power dynamics, and consider how your decisions affect others. How do you factor in everyone's needs?

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

People who want less information risk being in denial, or being blindsided by progressions in their partner's relationships that they would have otherwise wanted to be informed about. Set clear expectations about what you DO want to be informed about, even if it's difficult.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

People who want more info risk getting too involved in their partner's lives in ways that can be controlling. Remember that your partner deserves privacy in their relationships and resist the urge to demand access to everything. Not everything needs to involve you and that's OK.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

However, whether you want more or less info, it shouldn't be used as a way to avoid the work around non-monogamy. Whichever type you are, it's important to question not just what kind of information you need, but why you need it and whether it's coming from a healthy place.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

Sometimes this is context-dependent - you may want more details about some metas than others depending on what feelings they bring up in you, or what personal relationship you might have with them. You can also shift over time depending on other things in your life.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

People who do better with less information don't need ZERO information, but generally feel that the less their partner shares, the less they have to think about. In contrast to those who want more information, they want less material to potentially catastrophise over.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

People who do better with more info don't need ALL the details, but generally feel that the more their partner shares with them, the more settled/secure they are. If they have the info they need, their mind isn't trying to fill in the blanks. They might also feel more included.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

There are two types of polyamorous people when it comes to disclosure boundaries: those who do better with more information about what their partner(s) are doing with other people, and those who do better with less. Here's how you figure out which type you are:

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

2. “I can see how this is hard for you, and I appreciate you going in this journey with me. I’m open to supporting you with your feelings while I continue to date other people.” Your partner’s emotions are not a personal attack. Be empathetic, not defensive.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

If your partner is struggling with your polyamory, which response do you think they’d respond better to? 1. “You agreed to it, so why are you still upset about it? Maybe you aren’t really polyamorous if you’re going to be so difficult.”

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 21/05/2026

You deserve partners who learn and grow with you, not ones who invalidate you in your most vulnerable moments 💛

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 21/05/2026

If you’re struggling in your polyamorous relationship and all your partner has to say to you is “maybe you aren’t actually polyamorous” instead of being empathetic and curious, what they’re actually saying is “your emotions are inconvenient to me, so I’m going to shame you about it.”

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 15/05/2026

You're not actually interested in helping others, you're just virtue signalling about how much better of a person you are than everyone else.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 15/05/2026

Polyamorous people who take an overly dogmatic, holier-than-thou proselytising approach when talking about what polyamory 'should' look like are not only reinforcing feelings of shame and judgment in people who are just looking for support, but are also buying into purity culture.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 13/05/2026

No two relationships will be exactly the same, because different people have different needs and relationships progress at different paces. Resist the urge to treat everyone equally and instead focus on the unique needs of each connection and what feels good between you 💛

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 13/05/2026

Mishandling couple privilege can also come into play with breakups. Some polyamorous people 'rebound' after a breakup by rapidly escalating their other relationships to fill the void their ex left, which isn't fair and doesn't take into account others' needs/desires.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 13/05/2026

If you're dating someone who is already in a long-term relationship, it can be easy to feel envious, creating a pressure to "catch up" to get the same "benefits". Ask yourself: "Do I want this out of a genuine personal desire, or am I asking just because my metamour has it?"

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 13/05/2026

A useful metric for deciding how to progress in a relationship is to ask yourself: "Would I be doing this if my other relationships didn't exist?" This will help to assess whether the pace feels natural and organic for the connection, or whether you're feeling external pressure.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 13/05/2026

Your new relationships need just as much time to grow as your first one did. Let your connections take their time to blossom, and don't rush into things just because you feel guilty for having an established long-term relationship.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 13/05/2026

Polyamorous people who aren't aware of their couple privilege can do a lot of harm, but on the flip side, those who rush to escalate newer relationships before they're ready in the name of "fairness" are also mishandling their couple privilege. Here's how to avoid this pitfall...

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 04/05/2026

polyamorous people love talking about how polyamory offers so much novelty and variety in the partners we date but in reality 90% of us just date multiple versions of the same person in slightly different fonts and I love that for us

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 02/05/2026

Love can't be sustained on vibes alone, and intellectually knowing you are loved by someone is not the same thing as actually seeing how that love is being shown to you. Love is not a feeling, but a verb.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 02/05/2026

The polyamorous community love to say "love is infinite but time/energy are not", but at the same time, how one spends their time/energy is a way to demonstrate that love for their partners.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 01/05/2026

Cultivating an abundance mindset shouldn't mean gaslighting yourself into ignoring unmet needs - that's just toxic positivity, babe 💛

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 01/05/2026

Moving from scarcity to abundance mindset in non-monogamy can be extremely useful for reframing core beliefs that are shaped by mononormativity AND it's also important to remember that you can't gratitude journal your way into dropping your standards and expectations for a relationship.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 29/04/2026

Polyamory doesn’t mean I feel I SHOULD pursue every opportunity for connection that comes my way. It’s the freedom of choice in knowing that I COULD if I wanted to 💛

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Sometimes people engage in relationships out of low self-worth, and that has dire consequences for the people around them that isn't fair to anyone. Your partner deserves support - but so do you. And if your partner refuses to leave...all you can do is save yourself.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Sometimes, witnessing the relationships your partners build with other people can end up revealing truths about them that make you see your own relationship differently, in ways that are hard to come back from.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Unfortunately, in some situations, the best thing you can do is to leave, not because you don't love your partner, but for your own safety and wellbeing. You do not have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of your partner's relationship out of love for them. That's not loving to yourself.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

You don't have to like what your partner is doing in their other relationships, but ultimately, they get to make their own decisions, even bad ones. You can't control them, but you can control how you respond.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Part of being a good hinge managing multiple partners is taking responsibility for yourself, so your partners aren’t overfunctioning around you or cleaning up after your mess. So how much can you really trust your partner to show up and advocate for themselves - and by extension, for you?

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

And here’s a tough question: if your partner refuses to see the red flags and is actively making you feel unsafe by staying in a toxic relationship…what does that say about them and their relationship with you?

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Set a positive example of the love you feel they deserve so they can raise their own standards for how they want to be treated. But most importantly, honour your own capacity and boundaries through this process, because your needs/feelings matter too.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

If your partner is in a genuinely abusive relationship with their other partner, the best thing you can do for them is to empower them to make their own choices. Continue to love and support them, and witness them and what they are going through.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

You and your partner don’t have to be doing or desiring the same stuff, because you’re each on individual journeys of self-discovery while staying connected as partners. So check yourself before you start projecting unfairly onto your partner.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Also, consider that maybe your partner’s relationship isn’t actually toxic - it’s just not what YOU would want in a relationship. And that’s okay, because you and your partner are different people who may want different things out of non-monogamy!

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

It’s not your job to manage your partner’s relationship or their decisions, even if you feel you know what’s best for them. You’re a partner, not a parent.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

What you can do is set boundaries around your exposure to that person, or info about the relationship. You can also suggest your partner speak to a neutral third party who doesn’t have a vested interest in the situation, and can help them make autonomous choices.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

However, telling your partner they’re forbidden from dating someone because you think they’re bad for them and you want to protect them from harm edges into control - and has a chance of blowing up in your face.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

Sharing your opinion about a metamour, verbalising observations of things they’re doing and how they impact your partner that you don’t think is okay, and then letting your partner make their own informed decision, is absolutely fine. It’s what you’d do for a close friend!

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

If someone is being stripped of their autonomy in a relationship, you don’t fix that by taking away even more autonomy from them by telling them what they should do, shaming them, or questioning their choices.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 16/04/2026

There is a mountain of research that demonstrates that you cannot convince someone to leave a toxic relationship until and unless they are genuinely ready to leave out of their own choice and personal volition.

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