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Ted Berg

@ogtedberg.bsky.social
3.3K followers 241 following 2.3K posts

A body like Arnold with a Denzel face

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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 10h
Just saw a driver lurch into a crosswalk against a red light and love-tap a pedestrian, a different driver screech to a stop to double-park in the bike lane, and a third driver do a u-turn onto the sidewalk, all in the course of a two-block span.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 10h
Everyone in Astoria drives like they just did a Boogie Nights quantity of cocaine to balance out the quaaludes.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 10h
Depending on where you live, you probably have some notion of where the worst drivers are. Maybe it’s hyper-aggro Jersey drivers, or Massholes, or oblivious Virginia drivers, or Georgia drivers, or whoever. Unfortunately, you’re wrong. All the worst drivers in the world live in Astoria, Queens.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
There should be a moat separating Yankee fans from the playing field, with alligators and everything. Also little individual moats around every Yankee fan, but those would be too small for alligators. Maybe you use caimans.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
I grew up with older siblings in the VHS era. If we rented a movie, we were committed to it, even if it was The Omen and I was 8 years old. I have not seen it again in the past 37 years but I still get chills about the photographer taking an accidental selfie and realizing he’d soon be decapitated.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
It appears AI has come to the kids' lunchbox joke space
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
You kind of have to, just as you’d throw in the extra “lyin’ on the floor!” even if it were the first chorus of the sweater song.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Ooooooohhhhh I don’t miiiiiind
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
they had sex
NY Times headline, "In an $80 motel room, scientists made a discovery that helped shed light on the origins of life"
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
So does the U.S. Secretary of Defense not get tested for cocaine? Seems like, if there was any job in the world that merited drug-testing, it’d be, you know, U.S. Secretary of Defense. I got drug-tested to edit a damn sports website.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Very obvious that the “excuse me, are you Jewish?” guys outside the subway station don’t believe me.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
IMO pop music is basically fast food, in both the bad and the good ways.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
You can’t do this because of stupid germs, but really every town should have a goody-bag-bullshit repository where you dump the stuff as soon as your kids forget about it. Then before their birthday party you go down to the goody-bag-bullshit repository and fill up goody bags by the handful.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
The cool thing about the toys kids get in goody bags at every birthday party is that they’ll be on the planet forever. Someday the oceans will dry up and on the sun-baked sea bed you’ll find a broken slinky that once held my daughter’s interest for six minutes.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Oh are we talking about professional mishaps involving coffee etiquette
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
It all reads as sincere because Mamdani reads as sincere and very few other prominent politicians in either party ever do.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Was he cool as hell? I met him once at an airport and another time after the Cubs won in 2016 and both times he seemed awesome.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
I have no strongly worded take on the Mets’ managerial situation!
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Cc @jareddiamond.bsky.social
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
Please be Jefry Yan
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Loving the less-online lifestyle. I still haven’t entirely figured out who Hasan Piker is.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Saw a ~13-year-old kid wearing an …And Justice For All t-shirt and realized it’d be roughly the same as me at that age wearing Bill Haley and the Comets gear.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Get on your bikes and ride
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
Every time my kids do something together without beating the crap out of each other: “ahhh, teamwork. That’s nice to see!”
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
What do you say if, despite almost all evidence to the contrary (ie your name, your Long Island roots, your face and hair, your overbearing mother), you’re not Jewish, and someone you know wishes you Happy New Year in September? I always just say, “you too,” but then it further misleads people.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Did you know that Stewart Copeland’s father co-founded the CIA and went on to help overthrow multiple foreign governments? I learned this from Wikipedia yesterday and have been waiting for the moment to strike.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Oh weird it blends in perfectly with the color of the wall
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
If you’re going to propose something this ridiculous you should at least have to show up for the meeting, why did they photograph an empty chair
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
Long Island Bobby, meet Northern California Bobby.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
Shout out to my 3rd grade classmate Bobby, whose precocious skill in song parody has softened the blow of 37 years’ worth of being occasionally subjected to “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” Thirty-seven years, and every time, I sing, “I didn’t fart, you liar,” and the horror abates.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
@thesamedevice.bsky.social verify me
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Also the Angels and Padres just sold for $4 billion apiece so any owner crying poverty should just sell the team for more money than most of us could ever really conceive of.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Wow, that has got to be one of the top 10 GOP pedophile scandals of the past month
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
I was definitely aware of Marvell Wynne as a kid, but not old enough to understand his as a once-in-a-lifetime caliber baseball name.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Not if it’s pasteurized, I want to shit myself to death like my ancestors did.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Brb going out to fuck up a lion
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
It’s probably too big an event to distinguish between actually remembering it and thinking you remember it. Until recently I was certain I’d seen the challenger explode live in my elementary school gym, then I figured out the timing and learned that couldn’t be true.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
They were questioning his credentials because he got a bunch of his certifications while working at Home Depot, as if there’d be a better place to learn how to fix all the stuff he knows how to fix. Should’ve recruited at Princeton School of Superintending.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
I just dramatically quit my building’s WhatsApp group in solidarity with the super, but not before I dropped a whole lot of shame on the entitled fucks talking shit about him. I am riding on the highest horse right now and have never felt more alive.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Oh yeah I’m sure you bought $200 worth of eggs from some guy, session guitarist I dealt with in 2006.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
One hobby I have is scrolling through Venmo and guessing which people’s public payments were actually for drugs.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
*on their own
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
I’ve never lived there and have no real reason to defend it, but it’s weirdly affordable for its location and mocking someone for living someplace where they can get to work easily and cover their rent on their is deeply poserish behavior that is imo antithetical to the true spirit of New York City.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I need to get one every six months and hate it, but one time a doctor prescribed Valium to get me through it and it was way, way worse. Felt like I was in there for eight hours. Also the noises are so ridiculous that I think they’re faked to make you believe more stuff is happening.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I have long maintained that men’s clothes should do away with S, M, L, XL and go by which baseball player is most similar to your body type, like “I’ll take these pants in size Paul Lo Duca, please.”
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
Sorry, I wasn’t trying to dunk, it was just a comical juxtaposition
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
I’m sure this is an interesting book on an interesting topic and I’m happy for them and you but imo it’s funny to be like “that’s my friend!” about someone whose book is subtitled “why is friendship so hard?”
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
You know whose fault that is?
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
I didn’t invent that! I just defended him before it was cool and ironically blamed him for lots of stuff.
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Ted Berg @ogtedberg.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
At some point within the last four years they stopped making my preferred gym shorts and now I have to either find an acceptable new gym short or learn how to sew.
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