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Mike Muth

@mikemuth.bsky.social
643 followers 827 following 6.7K posts

Retired and enjoying the never-ending Saturday. Looking after 23 (sometimes more) feral/community cats plus my housecats.

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Reposted by Mike Muth
Shiv Ramdas Mens Rice Activist @nameshiv.bsky.social · 12h
I much prefer the historically accurate version where the British conquered the world for spices and still couldnt use any of them until the people they stole the spices from went there to show them how to use pepper
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Reposted by Mike Muth
Miaganga @miaganga.bsky.social · 5h
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 10h
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident just outside of Four Corners and a Tree were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible to court.

The trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

Old Judge Jude was always in the market for a good story. So, he said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by the sound. Not too long after the accident the sheriff came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Sheriff came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

It was then that I said, "I'm fine."
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 12h
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 12h
I will stop judging people when they stop saying stupid things.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 13h
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 13h
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said, the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth. 
When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
"I'd really like to keep you on, because you keep the circus going," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."
"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Basset hound. I'd never sell him!"
"I'll take him," said the Tamer.
So the Lion Tamer worked with the Basset hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem:  The Lion Tamer's head was never going to fit into the dog's mouth.
"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.
On opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Basset hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.  "Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.
As the lion tamer learned, "Don't put all your legs in one Basset."
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
The correct way to spell "hats" is "HATS" because it's all caps.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
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Reposted by Mike Muth
Emily Gorcenski @emily.gorcen.ski · 28/09/2026
Here’s the most incredible story you’ll read today. A small plane with four people aboard crashes in a field. Another pilot witnesses it. That pilot happens to be flying a bunch of skydivers. They offer to jump to assist, are given permission. The skydivers happen to be EMTs. Everyone survives.
wisn.com
Skydivers alert emergency crews, assist after plane crashes near East Troy airport
Four people were aboard the single-engine plane when it went down in a cornfield near Carvers School Road in East Troy at about 1:30 p.m.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here. - Arthur C. Clarke
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
While driving on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on the makeup!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.  In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs and disconnected an important call!
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Why can't I age like fine wine instead of expired milk.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
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Reposted by Mike Muth
Jennifer Shin - WTAF @jennifershin.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Wakefield was a fraud who engaged in deliberate data falsification. Investigations revealed that he had altered patient medical histories, fabricated data, and reported false onset times. He lost his license to practice medicine in the UK in 2010. www.immunize.org/clinical/vac...
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion. - Abraham Lincoln
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Men don't want to know what's on television, they want to know what *else* is on television.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man,
have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
The Pope is a White Sox fan. I would have thought he'd be a Cardinals fan...
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
odd coincidence (or is it): Hulu just recommended "Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb". Then this pops up for me.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and  take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking with the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. 

"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again. 

"Well, we have them, and you could have" the Manager replies. 

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." 

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." 

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.” - George Carlin
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
I should have my own theme song.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
"I once heard about an American professor who went on an extended sabbatical. He took leave from his teaching duties to do some research at a university in Glasgow. Being someone who liked his nightly pick-me-up, he went to the local pub, the Ram and Tam, when he arrived. He was disappointed to find that the publican, Angus McTavish, did not stock his favorite beverage, Jim Beam bourbon.

"Night after night, McTavish attempted to get the professor to sample and learn about single malt Scotch whiskies, some of which were locally distilled and considered to be among the finest in the world. McTavish tried to get the American to drink some of these excellent whiskies, but to no avail. The professor still demanded his bourbon. So, McTavish finally gave up, located a source of the particular brand of bourbon that the professor craved and started serving it to him.

Now when the professor walks into the pub for his nightly libation, he shouts, "Beam me up, Scottie!"
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
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Reposted by Mike Muth
Pope ghibby! - Keeper of the Holy Anal Rail Gun @caffeineandhate.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
😳😂😂😂😂😂WTFBBQ???
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Reposted by Mike Muth
paulpro @mariopro.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
substack.com/@borowitzreport
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
I can't really argue with that, because it just seems insane.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
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KittyKatGirl😻🙏💞🐞 @mary1kathy.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wita big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
    Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He
squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
    Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.
    He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
    A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. - Mo Willems, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. - Voltaire
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
I don't know who needs to know this but Kenwood, Sony, JVC and Pioneer are great...stereotypes.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
The grey bearded dude looks up as a man walks into the bar, already half loaded. He tells the dude to line-up 52 shots. The grey-bearded dude tries to dissuade him, but the man is adamant. "Line them up, all in a row right there."

Shrugging his shoulders, the bartender lines up the 52 shots.

The man starts slamming the shots, one right after the other. The grey-bearded dude behind the bar tries to get him to slow down. "If you keep drinking like that, it is going to hit you like a freight train on a downhill run."

The man replies, "You'd drink them this fast if you had what I have."

This worries the bartender. He asks, "Just what do you have?"

"A dollar," the man replies.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own. - Arthur Conan Doyle
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Reposted by Mike Muth
Allison Gill @muellershewrote.com · 23/09/2026
Someone tell him that tens of thousands of active duty service members are on food stamps.
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Mike Muth @mikemuth.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
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