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The Other Luke Haines

@lukehaines85.bsky.social
80 followers 59 following 1.4K posts

I put the "icon" in "iconoclast." ...in that I think it would be best for everyone if I was torn down. He/him. buttondown.com/TheHainesReport theartshole.podbean.com

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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
As of today, I am qualified to fell trees. I am also just about over whatever hideous cold/flu/COVID variant I've had for the past week. This means that in a very literal sense, I am a lumberjack, and I am alright. It's a good day.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
Russell Crowe is becoming my generation's "surely he CAN'T need the money?!" actor.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
On the one hand, "Choosin' Texas" is such a huge song that even I was aware of it, and I'm a 41-year-old man outside of America. On the other hand, it's not very good and doesn't deserve anywhere near the level of success it has had. If you haven't heard it, you haven't missed much.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
I always love people doing the thing wrong on the promotional materials...
The packaging for a pull-up bar in which the apparatus is attached to the door frame upside down and the man using it appears to be levitating impossibly.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Can we all just pause our bullshit for a minute and acknowledge how ludicrously photogenic my dog is? Like, it's actually unfair. He's in the kind of pictures Kash Patel shouldn't be allowed near.
Honestly just a dog on a sofa, but he's so fucking handsome. We don't know the breed, he's a rescued street dog, but he looks kind of like a miniature German Shepherd crossed with a fox that should be voiced by Paul Newman.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
I think in these trying times, we should all take a moment to remember the REAL victim of it all, Ed Sheeran.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
My TV is telling me to unpause it if I want to continue watching it. People really are becoming dangerously stupid, huh?
A TV screen displaying the message "Unpause to continue watching."
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Reposted by The Other Luke Haines
DC Pierson @dcpierson.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
Me: OK, BRAIN, WE ONLY HAVE AN HOUR TO WORK ON THIS PERSONAL PROJECT.

My brain: Y'KNOW WHO I BET HAS AN INTERESTING WIKIPEDIA PAGE?
BUN E. CARLOS FROM
CHEAP TRICK.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
Diamond Filtrated. Ineptly Writinged.
A bottle of Three Sixty Vodka, the label of which proudly proclaims that it's  diamond filtrated [sic].
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Based on this Raygun documentary, it would appear that everyone involved in breakdancing is a fucking dipshit.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I've started trying to explain to my colleague that you could record video games onto cassette, and everything I say digs the hole deeper and deeper until I age into dust like I drank from the wrong Grail...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
All of my non-spambot followers (hi mom!) will be mildly diverted to learn that I ordered "A Violent Masterpiece." Jordan Harper is the first author I've found for a while - probably since early 2000s Lee Child - where I get excited when there's a new book just because of the author.
A copy of "A Violent Masterpiece" by Jordan Harper, held up by some drunk asshole who may or may not be me but is, in fact, me.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
"Good news, we made the cover of Stirring Stories For B- WOAH! What the fuck are you two doing?!"
A book called "Stirring Stories For Boys," the cover depicting an explorer pointing a gun at a leopard which is nonchalantly sat on top of his irritable looking friend. The leopard and the explorer's friend are behind a rock outcrop.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
I really love Ludlow. I'd like to live there some day. One of many appealing facets of the town is that the market is genuinely full of interesting stuff rather than AI, 3D printed tat. Here are some books I saw at a stall today on a stop-off.
Two books are foremost at an antique book stall - "Stirring Stories For Boys", the cover of which depicts a posh twat in a pith helmet shooting a leopard which is pinning his deeply unimpressed colleague underneath it, and, next to that, The Journal Of Bone And Joint Surgery.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
It's a shame Jane Eyre never got its three implied sequels. I would have liked to read about the adventures of Janes Urth, Wotter, and Fyre.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 08/08/2026
My wife wouldn't let me ruin the Beach Boys when I found out Epstein Island was named Little St. James, so I have nowhere else to put this...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 30/07/2026
I'm watching The Devil's Mouth, because I don't value my short, precious time on earth. My friend has a theory about shark movies. We did Jaws. That's it. We're done. That's always going to be the best shark movie. He's not wrong, and this film won't upend the theory, either.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
Jared Leto. Jared Kushner. Jared from Subway. I am calling for a ban on Jareds until we can figure out what the hell is going on.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
@vizcomic.bsky.social local Scarecrow Festival creating a solid contender for Up The Arse Corner.
A straw man on a straw horse. They're meant to look like they're jumping over a wall, but they've slipped down and it looks like the jockey is attempting to do something unspeakable while pinning the horse to the wall.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 25/07/2026
I spent two hours watching a bad Mark Wahlberg movie. I turn it off to learn that the village fete (which is meant to end at four) is still going and now it's the karaoke section. Someone is doing a version of "Bohemian Like You" that literally startled my dog awake on the "woo" section.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 25/07/2026
The local village fete is VERY audible from our flat. With the exact calibre of musicians you're picturing when you hear "amateur ukulele orchestra at a village fete." Send help.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
static.klipy.com
Tommy Wiseau
Alt: Tommy Wiseau in The Room going from dramatic bullshit to "oh, hi, Mark!" in milliseconds.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
There's plenty of reasons to hate J.D. Vance, and a minor one is that he called his book Hillbilly Elegy when Redneckquiem was right there...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
You know how when a beloved public figure dies, there are often huge piles of flowers sent by the public...?
A man laying flowers outside Ann Widdecombe's house. The memorial consists of one small bunch, plus the one that this guy is adding.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
It's only fair that Prince Harry can't stay at Buckingham Palace without sufficient notice - they're famously short on rooms and staff...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
We all feared that Trump 2 was going to be worse than Trump 1, but there's no better metric of how much worse it is than the fact that Trump 1 couldn't get a Bruce Springsteen tribute act for a gig, and Trump 2 couldn't retain the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
Absolute fucking clown show of a country...
A picture from Reuters news, depicting a man named Joey Chestnut winning the annual Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, apparently in celebration of America, somehow.
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Reposted by The Other Luke Haines
Rob Sheridan @rob-sheridan.com · 30/06/2026
The thing about social media age restrictions is that it treats today’s internet as an inevitability we all just have to deal with. The internet (and the WORLD) wasn’t like this until like four dudes were allowed to own & monetize as much tech real estate as they wanted. Fix THAT problem.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
New pitch: Casey Rybeck is a Navy cook whose ship is taken over by terrorists. He decides to fight back, and is immediately killed. Everything else in Steven Segal's career is a hallucination in the mind of a dying idiot who wishes he was a CIA ninja cop, but whose main interest is actually food.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 27/06/2026
I honestly read this as "Jake Flight" and thought "That's a stupid name for a character."
An ad for some kind of fantasy game where a knight in armour is levitating above the mountains. Cursive style writing says "Take Flight", but the capital T looks like a J and it makes it appear that the armoured figure is some asshole named Jake Flight.
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Reposted by The Other Luke Haines
cětské @cetske.bsky.social · 09/10/2025
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John Delmenico @thebigjohnnyd.bsky.social · 14/03/2026
Tech CEOs in 2026: ‘We spent billions to hopefully one day have an ai that can make people feel like it’s portraying real emotions for tv, but we need way more money to do it’ Jim Henson in 1955: ‘yeah so I stuck some ping pong balls to a bit of old felt and called it Kermit’
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
So, the endless scroll of weird channels dedicated entirely to one show has a Married With Children channel, and that's me for the rest of basically forever.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
[John Cleese voice] "I would like to register a complaint..."
A photograph of the storage rooms of the Natural History Museum, showing endless rows of drawers, each one open and full of a different species of taxidermied parrot.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 18/06/2026
People say you never see baby pigeons. I say people don't go to enough weird places.
A nest containing two baby pigeons, with their adult plumage not yet grown in. It's on a beam next to a big metal gear used to open a sluice gate inside a dam.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 17/06/2026
The problem is that smart people assume other people are smart, and they're wrong. Meanwhile, half-smart people assume everyone else is stupid, and they're wrong, too. And stupid people mistrust anyone who seems too smart. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 14/06/2026
A darkly funny thing I learned today is that the Brucella in cattle causes spontaneous abortion and infertility. It's usually transmitted to humans by drinking unpasteurised milk. So, RFK Jr. is a man concerned about the white birthrate, and also potentially encouraging a plague of infertility.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Every conversation is too long to have over social media. Including this one.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
"I've been saving up, To finally purchase, The courage to harm those who deserve it..."
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Okay, of all the hills to die on, this might be mine: Burgers need to be wider and flatter, not taller. I should be able to fit a burger in my mouth, it's the whole point.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Happy My Birthday to all those who celebrate.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
I probably shouldn't have found this as funny as I did.
A warning sticker about not putting child seats in front of an air bag with the back of the seat facing the bag itself. As an illustration, in the image, an air bag has deployed, hit the back of the child seat and flung an oblivious toddler into the air.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
I see the sportsball is happening again...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
Gay porn idea: A vampire realises there are more nutrients in semen than in blood. Working title: Ejac-ula. (Strong chance someone already did this, but I feel like checking would do some weird stuff to my Google algorithm...)
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
Jesus, Spinal Tap II is a waste of everything, including the numeral for two.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
Anthony Head was in a student film I directed when I was about sixteen. It was fucking awful, but someone had asked him to be in it, so he did it. He didn't need to and I'm sure he didn't get paid. That says a lot about a man. RIP.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
Just ordered a curry to our new place, because we can, now. Probably the blandest Indian food I've ever had. I ordered the "Crocodile Tears", and let that be a lesson. Cool names are a marketing trick. You should order from places where the dishes have names like Flurgh Akabalak with Mooj.
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
I'm watching The Long Walk from my reclining sofa, which sort of makes me feel like a dick...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
"Lying naked on the floor" has gone from how Natalie Imbruglia reacted to a breakup to my final, desperate coping strategy in this weather...
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The Other Luke Haines @lukehaines85.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
Sun's out, legs out. Doesn't rhyme, just an accurate description of how I behave in these fucking temperatures.
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