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Kate Johnson

@k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social
733 followers 225 following 1.5K posts

Writes books. Loves cats. Talks about both a lot. Represented by Judith Murray at Greene & Heaton

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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 23h
I got mine tested when I was about 25 because I was tired of being treated like an idiot. So that next time someone said “Oh you think you’re so clever,” I could tell them that I don’t just think it…
Scene from Hamilton with the caption “He looked at me like I was stupid. I’m not stupid.”
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 13/10/2026
The thing that was making the noise? The noise that I thought I was going to have to pay somebody hundreds of pounds to fix? It was this.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 13/10/2026
How is this an apex predator? Look at him. Just look at him.
Tomkin is a black-and-white cat with a white belly and white paws. He is lying on his back with all four legs in the air. He looks both cute and ridiculous. Last week he brought in a dead rat.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
House of Games today. If anyone tells me to take shorter showers I will fucking END them.
Shot of a TV screen with the question:
How many baths could be filled with the water used by ChatGPT each day?
(Under it are the contestants’ guesses)
BANJO and PHILIPPA
8,000,000
CHIZZY and STEPHEN
1,425,000Shot of the same screen showing the answer: 978,000
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Suspect this is Tom’s version of checking his eyelids for holes
Tomkin is a black-and-white cat wearing a red collar. He is sprawled across my lap with his head resting on my leg. His eyes are closed and his mouth is slightly open. 
I am wearing a pink T-shirt and brown joggers. There is a fake fur blanket on the left, and a crowded coffee table in the background 
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
When you’ve left a two inch scratch on your mum’s knee, but you’re so stinking cute she doesn’t really mind.
Tomkin is a black and white cat looking up at the camera with huge eyes like the cat from Shrek. I have one hand chucking him under the chin. Behind his head is my leg, which is very white, and has a large scratch across the knee.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Me: why are people staring at me today? My t-shirt:
A pale pink tshirt with a pale blue neckline. There is a floral design which very slightly obscures the words I’M A RAY OF FUCKING SUNSHINE.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
#strictly Craig just criticised someone’s topline and I was like
Image of Taylor Swift with the line “stop talking dirty to me”
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
So Openreach have put up a notice that they intend to install a new pole outside my house, with a link to object but very little info on what to object to. The What3Words link is the corner of my house/driveway/garden/pavement we literally had resurfaced (at private expense) last month. There’s…
Notice taped to a lamppost that has my location redacted and a QR code to object, and the rest of it is empty filler words. You’re not missing anything.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
Alas, I cannot wear this in my village today. Cos it’s too fucking hot and muggy. But as soon as the weather turns less sweaty, Trixie & I will be cycling past all those embarrassingly tatty engurland flags, proudly boasting the RNLI logo.
A blue hoodie spread out on a brown chair. The hoodie has the RNLI log in big red letters. There is also a black rectangular pouch with the RNLI logo on it, which contains a rain poncho.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
No we fucking don’t
A letter with a massive letterhead for the hard of thinking that says “Essex wants reform” followed by a load of written sewage I will save you from reading.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Picked up ring doughnuts instead of jam ones. This’ll have to do.
A ring doughnut with jam blobbed all over the top of it. Behind it is a jar of strawberry jam (raspberry would’ve been better tbh)
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
Me: I’ll just cycle home now The weather:
A very wet rain soaked patio
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Slightly cooler weather is great, but less so when someone* keeps wandering across the control panel , turning on the AC while the window is closed, thereby filling the room with hot air. *Tom. Tom is someone.
Tomkin is a black and white cat sprawled on my lap in one of those poses that makes him look like he’s been assembled wrong.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Call me crazy, but I don’t think Evri tried very hard to deliver my parcel.
Timeline of Evri’s parcel tracking, ending with: 

07:24 - Sat 15 Aug
Your parcel is on its way to you today
Update on your parcel
07:38 - Sat 15 Aug
We're sorry, we were unable to deliver your parcel today. We'll try again on the next working day
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
Well this is fucking alarming when you have headphones on
Government alert on my iPhone screen: 

Severe Alert
Issued by the UK Government
now
There is a very high risk of wildfires nationally. Residents, landowners and visitors should not undertake any activity that could start a fire, including disposable barbecues, firepits, garden incinerators or fireworks. Even a small flame can rapidly develop into a major wildfire placing lives, homes, businesses and emergency responders at risk.
Follow official updates and report signs of fire immediately by calling 999. Search gov.uk/alerts for more information.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
Um, hello?
A fat brown mouse sits on the wooden floor on my living room. It’s in front of a footstool and a curtain, from which it presumably emerged.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 27/07/2026
Me: I should change the bedlinen Tom: I HELP
Tomkin is black and white cat sitting loaf style on a duvet that is partly buttoned. The duvet is multicolour with red and black and floral designs. Tom is looking very smug.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
Train selfie! On the way to see @janjonesauthor.bsky.social and Nikita Kuzman* *might actually only be meeting up with one of them
Me, a white woman with blondish hair in pigtails, sunglasses and a cream and brown spotted dress.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
Me: it’s hot and I’m going out this evening, I’ll put on a nice summer dress. It’s pale coloured because of the heat. Tom:
Tomkin is a black and white cat. Mostly black. He is sprawled across my lap as i wear a pale cream dress with brown spots.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
Me: should I wash the cats’ water bowl? Tomkin:
Tomkin is a black and white cat, drinking delicately out of a scummy dish of green-black water in a parched garden. The dish was put there a decade or so ago by my mum, who worried that the birds might be thirsty, and it hasn’t been cleaned since.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
Today’s research notes
All caps text that reads DINOSAURS. FLUFFY DINOSAURS Google search that says “what kind of dinosaur could you ride”
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Comfortable there, Tomtom?
Tomkin is a black and white cat lying on his back on a pile of fleecy blankets. He’s curled around to the side with back legs akimbo and front legs waving above his head. He looks very silly and very soft and very cute.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
After a bone dry April and May when I ran out of rainwater and had to give them the condensate from the air conditioner, I put my carnivores outside to enjoy the June rain. By this point I’m getting slightly concerned that even for bog plants, they’re a bit… wet.
A long rectangular plastic box containing four plant pots with smaller plants, and two larger plastic cauldrons filled with larger trumpet pitchers, sitting on a very wet plastic garden table. All the containers are very full of water, completely covering the soil and water logging the plants. Two plastic cauldrons filled with larger trumpet pitchers, sitting on a very wet plastic garden table. The cauldrons are full nearly to the brim with water, covering all the soil. Close up of one of the cauldrons. It’s very full of water, completely covering the soil and water logging the plants. In the middle is a plant pot which usually acts as a water well, but which is fully underwater.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
Train selfie on my way to meet @rflong.bsky.social for lunch & do publishing stuff. It is June in England, so I have sunglasses, cardigan, sun cream, and an umbrella.
Me, a white woman with blonde hair pushed back by sunglasses. I have on a pink dress with a toile de jouy style print featuring naked women, and a necklace depicting a human heart.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
Got a new phone. In lieu of a new book cover to put on it, I’ve added some stickers, for the month that’s in it.
Back of a pink iPhone 17 with a clear case on it. On the case are three stickers: a small heart-shaped ace flag, a picture of two dinosaurs with the caption ‘allysaurus’, and the words ‘Trans rights are human rights’ in the colors of the Trans flag.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
Well my phone certainly thinks the weather is being more dramatic than it is
Screenshot of my phone lock screen, which is enchanted to show the weather Apple thinks I’m having. This is grey, with rain, and an impressive streak of lightning.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Yup, Ai is the future all right
Screencap of my WhatsApp conversation with the Next.co.uk chatbot about their failure to send me a password reset link. Text as follows: 

Next Customer Service
[Al] If your password reset email has not arrived, please check your Junk or Spam folder to ensure it has not been filtered there.
• If you still cannot find the email, please contact our customer support for further assistance. You can find contact options on our support page.

Me: That's what I'm doing

[Al] Is there anything else we can do to help you with your password reset?

Me: Doesn't look like it does it

[Al] I appreciate how frustrating this must be. If you need any help with resetting your password, please let us know.

Me: I am letting you know

[Al] I'm sorry to hear your password reset email has not arrived. Please check your Junk or Spam folder to ensure it hasn't been filtered there.
• If you still cannot find the email, please contact our advisor for further assistance. You can find contact options on our support page.

Me: You said to contact you, so l am contacting you

[Al] How may I assist you today?


Me: This is me contacting you
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Me: searches Etsy for jewellery, fabric, Pride wristbands, niche geekery, cute phone cases. Etsy:
Etsy’s search suggestion is “custom ammo case”
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
Well, I’m afraid I have some bad news for fans of The Promised Queen. Following poor sales the publisher has decided not to take any sequels from me. I’m obviously very disappointed about this, as I’d hoped for better news.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
Tomkin has noticed my legs have neither a thick fur coat, as a cat should have, or even the weird human coverings we use instead. Now he is worried I am cold so he has come to warm me up. What a good cat.
Tomkin is a black and white cat. He is sitting on my lap. The photo is taken by me looking down at him, so in the foreground is my dark blue top, covered in cat hair. Behind him you can see my pale white legs stretched out to rest on the table.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
It’s just given up now. It can’t even remember what rain is
The weather station showing the time as 13:31 and the indoor temperature as 24.1°c, and the outdoor temp and rain levels are just a row of blanks, because it’s too fucking hot and dry to work any more.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
Outside thermometer’s in the sun again
A digital weather station with the display reading:
Time: 12:09
In: 23.6°c
Out 51.0°c
Rain: 0.0mm
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Guys, I’ve found my true love. His name is Fridgey and he’s SO cool. This short king has changed my life. I love him more than any woman has ever loved an appliance. #AC #airconditioner #heatwave #ukheatwave
Fridgey is an air conditioning unit about two feet tall, made of white plastic. Across the image are the words “I’m in love” in blue text
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
I shall call him Fridgey and he shall be mine and he shall be my Fridgey
A portable air conditioning unit: about one foot square at the base and two feet tall, in white plastic.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
It’s been pretty warm here today. The outdoor thermometer was left in the sun:
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 21/05/2026
Looked at the forecast. Ordered an air conditioner. 30°c in May in England is a violation of my human rights.
Screencap of the weather app on my phone. In summary it shows that the next week will range from 23° to 30°. Which is hideous.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Well, I didn’t win the Romantasy Novel of the Year Award, but due to my hotel room being like an oven I got upgraded and now I have a view of Tower Bridge, so in a way I am winning.
A view over the Tower of London and Tower Bridge, both lit up against the dark sky.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
What do you mean unapproachable
Selfie of me, a white woman with blonde hair, wearing a dark green tshirt with “not friendly” written on it in gothic script
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 13/05/2026
“Haven’t seen Slim Shady for a while,” I mused as I chucked out some leftovers in the garden. Five minutes later I hear a ruckus from the kitchen. Guess who’s back?
Slim Shady is (the nickname I have given to) a large black and white cat, seen here sitting in front of a garden hedge.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 12/05/2026
Sweden is giving RuPaul season 9 #EurovisionSemiFinal
Valentina from RuPaul’s Drag Race, dressed in red with a red mask over her lower face, dramatic lashes and a red flower in her hair. The caption (in response to Ru asking her to take the mask off, says “I’d like to keep it on please.”
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 08/05/2026
Well honestly why the fuck do I bother
Screencap showing the BBC News app results of the Essex County Council Elections: the map of Essex a horrid pale blue and the banner news: Reform UK gain from Conservatives
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 07/05/2026
Civic duty fulfilled!
Selfie of me, a white woman with blonde hair and glasses, holding up a poll card. In the background is a polling station in a church hall
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Cool, Sky is offering me a discount for *squints* the next 81 years
Screencap of my Sky bill, which says:

Sky Sports HD Subscription Discounted: -£4.00
• Offer end date: 6th August 2107
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 02/05/2026
Haven’t had any visits from Slim Shady for a few days, but Tom has clearly decided to emulate his bad boy ways by ditching his collar. Or is this even Tom? Without his tag how can I know? Maybe Slim Shady has been curled up beside me all afternoon!
Tom is a black and white cat curled on his side on a fleecy blanket. He wears no collar, because he is a nameless rebel.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
I am doing some leather restoration on the sofa and Tom is Not Impressed. Look at that reproachful little face. (Also look at how many layers of blankets and cushions my little prince has to sleep on)
Tom is a black and white cat standing in front of a brown leather sofa with several of its cushions pulled off. He is looking back at the camera with wide-eyed reproachment.Tom is now standing on a heap of blankets and cushions on the remaining sofa cushion. He is still casting a look of great betrayal at the camera.Tom has now deigned to curl up on his pile of cushions and blankets but he has not stopped glaring.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
Here’s what I filled in on their survey from the QR code (bold of them to assume their average voter knows what they are)
Your choice of titles: unsurprisingly no gender neutral ones. 

Title (optional)
Please select an option...
Mr
Mrs
Miss
Ms
Dr
Prof
Rev
Sir
Dame

I could be a sir or a dame but not a lady. See next slide for my choice I chose Rev and then followed it Geraldine Granger The form wants to know which issues are most important to me BUT only offers its own suggestions, of which I MUST CHOOSE ONE (see next slide). The options are:

Affordable Housing
Attacks on Free Speech
Cost of Living
Crisis
Falling SchoolStandards
High Energy Prices
Mass Immigration
NHS Waiting Lists
Rising Crime
The same slide as before but with red highlighting each unticked box and informing me THIS FIELD IS REQUIRED
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
Yes I do feel better now actually. #fuckreform
A reform party leaflet. You don’t want to read what it actually says do you? Okay, here it is with my annotations in backers 

REFORM UK WILL FIX BROKEN BRITAIN
(NO YOU FUCKING WON’T YOU GRIFTER) (this refers to the cunt in chief of the party, on whom I’ve drawn devil horns and a beard, fuck I should’ve done a Shitler moustache
1
TACKLE THE COST OF CRISIS
(HOW)
2
STOP ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
(IT ISN’T ILLEGAL TO SEEK ASLYUM)
3
CUT ENERGY BILLS BY SCRAPPING NET ZERO
(BECAUSE FUCK THE CLIMATE)
4
END LAWLESSNESS ON OUR STREETS
(WHAT LAWLESSNESS)
5
PUT THE BRITISH PEOPLE FIRST
(AS OPPOSED TO...)

Under that there is a QR CODE (see next post)

ESSEX IS BROKEN. (NO IT ISN’T)
VOTE REFORMUK ON 7TH MAY
(NO I WONT. FUCK OFF. )
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
Guess who’s back, Shady’s back Oh no I started singing that and now I’ve named him
A black and white cat against a grass and conifer background.
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Kate Johnson @k8johnsonauthor.bsky.social · 24/04/2026
Fourth visit from the boys’ triplet. Dad: we’ve got to discourage this. Me: OR, and hear me out, we have three cats now.
A black and white cat against a background of grass and conifers. It’s a blurry picture taken through a window into a dark garden, cos it runs away when I open the window!
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