iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

I'm throwing my phone away from my bed and stopping this endless rant, I have hours more of bottled up shit in me I could rant on but frankly I'm done venting this into the void, I'm supposed to be working in less than 7 hours so I'm already eating into my chances tomorrow not sucking as well

And then the moment they perceive a problem with me coworker is now only referring to me with masculine pronouns when talking to me, even in front of management, and I'm expected to be stronger and set an example that I can handle the bullshit that comes with me trying to just live my life

You work hard, you respect your friends pronouns and their Alters, help correct people that misgenfer your buddies or just educate for the future. And then you get called he by their friends. Cis women who are friends with another trans mutual friend calling you him..cowotkers that only say Isabelle

I get people reading my name Tage and saying, surely I *can't* be Isabelle. People that have known me in my social groups, calling me he/him on accident because of how I sound. People not seeing my name in vr, hearing me and thinking I'm a dude with a girl avatar. It's not fair when you do so much

My friends have hobbies. Can create art, textures, models, drawings, visual novels, music, a fucking edited reality TV series. And I can't even write down credits to a production I assisted in. Let alone create what I see in my head. I can't even sound like I want to. I spend every day called sir

A car Im proud of instead of one with peeling overcoat, instead of shoes that were on their last legs 2 years ago, clothes I've worn since I was 21.. I shouldn't be able to pack up all of my life's possessions in half of a moving truck, that I should have skills, creative and technical, honed by now

I hate knowing, not feeling, that I'm a failure. That I should have done more by now. That I shouldn't have the money problems that I do. That I should be making more than 35k yearly, that I should have a six digit bank account, instead of at my highest, 15k in the bank. I should have things to show

Trust me I wanna bitch and moan and complain and get my problems validated by others but part of getting older is realizing your problems are often your own fault and dragging others through them ain't helping anyone, so shut up, either do better or stop and do something else, don't drag us down.

Fucking drag on me and I know I'm not alone. You can't be fucking frustrated at every single game you play when you're the one choosing to play the. And if you are you nerd to shut the fuck up and accept you're bad and stop making it everyone else's problem when we just wanna have fun

Sometimes I realize how close I am to accidently letting off steam, snapping at someone that's been pushing every one of my fuck off buttons, and I may go quiet, I may just say yup, exit the area or just, telling them to fuck off. That I'm tired that their constant biching about their game is such a

I don't think people realize often times the jokes I make without thinking are because I spent my HS years finding flaws as quickly as possible so that my group of friends could make fun of you no matter if you were a prep or jock or nerd we had a way to make ourselves seem better Its rooted in hate

I miss my spine. I hate I don't stand up for myself anymore, that I let people walk over me because I know if I go back to how I was before, the rough person that would yell when she was bothered and snap at people, people won't unsee that side of me, that they'll know that that's the realest me

I miss calling people losers. I miss being able to tell someone they're annoying, that I hate when they're in a voice call, that I'm pissed they're talking over my friends with inane bullshit that no one but them cares about and they're just dominating the conversation with nonsense and junk noise.

Why's it so fucking hard to be happy when I have so many people around me now that say they care. That light up when they see me. Why can't I make it feel genuine. Why can't I truly and earnestly give them the response time and attention people give back. They're too kind to trash like me

I miss saying fuck you to people, I miss sitting on the pier with a cigarette wondering how terrible it'd be to drown I miss when I had the reckless confidence of someone not caring about tomorrow because the past and present sucked so why wouldn't the future too? So fuck it and me.

Oh if I just lose weight oh if I just move away from parents if I just get another partner if I fix my voice if I actually fucking develop on hrt I'll finally be happy instead of fronting a happy woman instead of the girl secretly missing her destructive habits for the quick and dirty dopamine rush

Even trying to move away from my parents feels like I'm just running away instead of trying to fix my problems, that I'm endangering my future gambling on a new place with people I've not even met in person but trust completely. I keep hoping that the next thing I try is going to be magic...

000

And yet, I still feel lonely, my loved ones help, but my heart and brain is always craving one more piece to make me whole. It makes me feel so guilty, that I'm in the precipice of ruining good things not just for myself but others around me, and it secretly eats away at me, paralyzes even st times.

I told them I'd go to bed early and reset myself and yet I'm still here awake, thinking if what I said to... Some, was too much. If I'm still being overbearing because I haven't been given a message to stop I keep pushing boundaries and sharing more that I don't need to. I love and am loved