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The Onion: CDC Successfully Eradicates Children, Leading Vector of Disease
Hailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that it had successfully eradicated children. The agency confirmed that children had been the leading vector of disease nationally, posing grave risks to entire communities and contributing significantly to the rapid spread of deadly germs. CDC officials told reporters the complete elimination of the prevalent disease-carriers would cause a massive decrease in child-borne pathogens nationwide, particularly benefiting those vulnerable individuals who faced the most exposure to children, including parents, daycare workers, teachers, coaches, and ice cream truck drivers. “Humanity has never faced a more deadly carrier of disease and bacteria than children, and their total removal is a massive medical breakthrough and a milestone in the management of illness in this country,” CDC spokesperson Jane Christiansen said of the watershed achievement, a humanitarian project first...