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Garrett Pierce

@garrettfpierce.bsky.social
56 followers 65 following 558 posts

Once, current, and future moron Suffering from diarrhea in the bathroom of the marketplace of ideas Formerly @garrettfpierce on Twitter

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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
my worst posts are all ahead of me
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
me: "hah ahffeh oo eeahh ehh ahohahh oah ooh uhhee" dentist (mid-dilling): "I'm sorry, what was that?" me: "how often do people make appointments for two-thirty?" dentist: *increases speed on drill*
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
I’ve been asking people on dating apps to “send noods” for years now. Not once have I received any noodles! Just pictures of naked people. Gross!
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Chipotle needs to stay in their own lane. Their new pollo asado is awful, and the chili like chips answer the age-old question “what if Doritos actually sucked?” Just play the hits, stop trying new stuff
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Delta Dental: “thanks for paying your bill” Me: “thanks for helping me not go broke from the scam of dentistry”
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Moron (noun) (mo ron) 1. A foolish or stupid person 2. Someone who willingly pays for the ParkMobile subscription
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
Somewhere in this awful country, a youth pastor is writing a sermon about how Jesus mogged the grave
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
Country music 20 years ago: America is cool and badass, don’t fuck with us Country music now: America is great, makes me want to suck a bald eagle’s dick
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
The Red Hot Chili Peppers are an interesting band because the band is comprised of three musicians who are legitimately some of the best to ever do it and also Anthony Kiedis
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
What’s crazy to me is Stormy Daniels isn’t even a good porn name Taco Bell drive thru speaker: “are you checking in with your app to earn rewards points?”
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Reposted by Garrett Pierce
Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 09/12/2025
Me: I think everyone should be free to enjoy the things they like. People are too mean about other people enjoying things. Someone: I like anime Me: go fuck yourself
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Excited to announce that I’ve begun to identify as a postmodern writer. To me, this means I am going to start posting absolute nonsense and telling people they don’t get it whenever I am questioned
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
You’d think medical facility waiting rooms are legally required to play the worst music in history
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
My Alex Jones impression, used as a veiled commentary on our globalized food supply chain, was not well-received among patrons of my local grocery store’s bread aisle
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
Saw a guy walking out of The Odyssey today with a printed copy of The Odyssey under his arm, like he was going to a concert and wanted the band to sign his CD
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
In a world with so many fucked up crimes, it’s nice to see a headline about someone stealing copper wire. Timeless, nothing beats the classics
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Reposted by Garrett Pierce
J. Jangle, Esq. @orderforjordan.bsky.social · 02/07/2026
Pursuant to Title 10 of the US Poster’s Code § 200b, this account has been seized by the US Department of Homeland Security for making too many surreal, abstract, and generally unfunny posts. Any interactions shall henceforth be legal, albeit showing a questionable sense of humor.
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
if you fucking morons don’t shut the fuck up about fucking mercury being in fucking retrograde i am going to fuckin go all scorpio on your ass or whatever the fuck you people believe in
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Reposted by Garrett Pierce
The Onion @theonion.com · 22/07/2026
New Linens-N-Shit Opens theonion.com/new-linens-n-shit-open…
New Linens-N-Shit Opens
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Jimothy looks like if Sonic The Hedgehog got addicted to cocaine because he thought it would make him faster
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
What’s wild about Jimothy going viral is that Jimothy has no idea he’s going viral or even what going viral means
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
idk man we had it right with sippy cups
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
wanted to circle back on this
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
gf just said “something happened in the book I’m reading that I think applies to your special interests” and then proceeded to tell me how the book she’s reading has events taking place around 9/11 much to consider
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Reposted by Garrett Pierce
The Onion @theonion.com · 08/07/2026
History Of Boy Bands theonion.com/history-of-boy-bands
1973
Supreme Court rules that women can enjoy music.
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
To the tune of Wake Me Up When September Ends: Wake me up when McConnell’s dead
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
Eye doctor: “now when you look through the opening, you’ll see a hot air balloon in the distance” Me: “playing the hits, love it” Eye doctor: “what” Me: “what”
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Two posts in a row about tater tots much to consider
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
YOU DONT KNOW THAT YOU DUMBFUCK AI
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 01/07/2026
My AI-enabled smart toaster called me a cracker for asking it to toast my bagel a little more
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Reposted by Garrett Pierce
The Onion @theonion.com · 01/07/2026
“Welp, that was fun, but we’ve got our fill,” the report read
theonion.com
Report: That's Enough Soccer For Now
WASHINGTON--Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. “Welp, that was fun, but we've got our fill,” the report read in pa...
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 01/07/2026
“Bro come through, we’re hitting this new tater tot bar! It’s cool man, but the weird thing is they charge by the tater tot. Yeah it takes forever to get your food because they have to count. But it’s so worth it! Best tots in the city!”
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
would love some tater tits right about now
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
man what the fuck is this I miss when I could pay my rent without some celebrity fuckwit getting involved in some cross promotional bullshit
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
Me when any minor inconvenience happens during the course of air travel: “Why is this happening to me, he who is the best at planes?”
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
It’s sad to think that vegans will never get to have an In-N-Out burger animal style
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
If I were on Love Island Someone: “hey Garrett, can I pull you for a chat?” Me: “only if the chat happens at the ping pong table”
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Starting a reality dating show: wow what an interesting set of people, I hope they all find lasting love Ending a reality dating show: all of these people deserve to die alone
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
Humans be reasonable challenge 2026 any% (IMPOSSIBLE)
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
Not enough people out there talking about the simple joy of applesauce
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
How can animals have sex if there is no legal framework for them to get married?
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
Hard to believe there was a time in my life when I didn’t know about sandwiches
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
i was hacked
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
Excited to check out Illinois Hones and the Dingleberry of Despair this weekend with my AMC A-List membership
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
"Dentists say you shouldn't eat popcorn" well maybe dentists should get better at their jobs and learn how to deal with popcorn because imma eat it anyway
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Anything can be portable if you try hard enough
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Garrett Pierce @garrettfpierce.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
At this point it’s kind of shocking that REI doesn’t sell Subarus
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