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Jordan Carmalt Stokes

@floreustebius.bsky.social
153 followers 177 following 635 posts

“Do take care that if the majority of your dancers are young people that your music is modern, catchy and has some zipp to it. Don’t treat modern youth to the style that is more appropriate to elders of the Edwardian age.”

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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
I think it’s actually more fun to come up with characters who would crumble INSTANTLY
Toad from Frog and Toad are friends, and after all why SHOULDN’T he eat the cookies, they’re his birthday presssent, yesssss
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
you would THINK that this shot is cinematography, but actually they just had Kim Novak wear a green dress
The restaurant scene from Vertigo. Start slowly bringing your phone in towards your face and sing it with me: da-da-DAA-daaaa, da-da-Daa-daaaa… da-da-da-DAA-daaa, da-da-Daaa-daaaa…
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
This is pretty unique for an American hard ciders in that, when it describes itself as dry, it is not lying through its teeth
A can of Farm Flor dry rustic cider
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
today I learned about Tommy McHugh, a construction worker and sometime petty criminal who, in his early 50s, tried to poop so hard that he gave himself a brain aneurysm, slipped into a coma, and woke up as a gifted cubist painter
Tommy McHugh standing next to some of his paintings. After the coma he also started speaking in rhyme.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
#makeaterriblecomicday
Drawing for “make a terrible comic day.” Caption:  “ways that the dinosaurs did NOT go extinct, #32:  cocaine habit.”  Image:  a t-Rex trying to do a massive rail but he can’t because his little arms are too short to hold the mirror
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Predator handshake meme, indicating that both Gargantua and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog enjoy deciding which things would be good for them to poop on, and listen I just think it’s weird that it happened twice, is all.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
The kids are building a rocket ship out of cardboard boxes and I got to design the control panel
Crude drawing of a control panel with two buttons, reading “LAUNCH — GO TO THE MOON” and “DON’T LAUNCH — GO HOME — TAKE A NAP”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
fake Star Trek DS9 title card with the text “The Gang Does a False Flag Operation”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 09/04/2026
The distracted boyfriend meme - the boyfriend is labeled “the church circa 1409,” his girlfriend is labeled “two rival popes” and the lady in red is labeled “three rival popes”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 21/03/2026
Show somebody who absolutely rocks a hat and isn’t Indiana Jones
Bette Davis absolutely rocking a hat and I mean actually she could be Indiana Jones, you don’t know, ever see them at the same time in the same place? no you haven’t
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Edited Futurama caption with Fry saying "You know the worst part about being a slave? The uniquely human ability to be terrorized by threats of future punishment." Really there should be one more panel with Leela saying "No doubt there are other facts I could have adduced." (You make your low-effort meme out of the image you have in front of you.)

Although, come to think of it... why did anyone make a version of this image without Leela's line? Fry's whole line is just the setup of the joke! She says the thing that makes it funny! Oooohh... If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Junji Ito panel featuring a skat-singing ghost and an EXTREMELY unimpressed teenager.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
It’s that “Heartbreaking;  the worst person you know…” meme from The Onion, but crudely edited to say “Heartbreaking:  The Devil Can Cite Scripture For His Purpose”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 05/02/2026
(I am not doing a bit.)
Charlie Chaplin in Modern Times, having just done a buttload of cocaine.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 27/12/2025
I made this glitchy gif the last time this question went around, and I still think I’m right.
Sauron’s tower crumbles, his power broken and unmade — and in this version, he shouts “fuck!” at the top of his nonexistent lungs.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 18/12/2025
🤔
Roku TV listing for The Magnificent Seven, only the image and some of the details are for Seven Samurai instead. The listed year is 1956, which is not correct for either film.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 16/12/2025
Shout out to whoever decided that the detectives from Creature Cases needed to have a Keith Haring on their office wall
Detail from the Netflix children’s show Creature Cases displaying what is *probably* only an ersatz Keith Haring but hey you never know.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 05/12/2025
I don’t know why people keep trying to add “Gaslight” to this list, since that’s not what it’s about at all.
Definitely unedited Wikipedia summary of the charming romantic comedy Gaslight (1944)
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 04/12/2025
this malfunctioning bot could not have picked a worse week to be reminding me of the existence of Cantos
Screenshot showing that the Spenser Dispenser bot has glitched out and is repeating “Canto 1, Canto 1, Canto 1” like an avant-garde Beatles track, c’mon now read the room Spenser Dispenser
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 27/11/2025
Hell yeah
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 27/11/2025
Pan gravy Cranberry sauceSpicy roasted pecansButtermilk brined turkey
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 27/11/2025
Collard greensPuréed sweet potatoes and parsnipsStuffingGreen beans almandine
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 12/11/2025
I mean, he’s definitely my kid.
Thanksgiving themed conceptual anti-art.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 06/11/2025
An email I got saying that there’s a mysterious odor on campus but not to be alarmed
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 01/11/2025
The texture I always aim for is wet, but thick enough to eat with a fork. (This image looks about right - and has me hungry.) blackpeoplesrecipes.com/wp-content/u...
Hoppin John served over rice.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 15/08/2025
bet I can do you one stupider
Screen grab from My Girl with the text “He was allergic to bees”Screengrab from the music video for “One” with the text “All that I See, Absolute Horror”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 18/07/2025
Paul Hollywood would probably beat me with a stick for this presentation, but this was a good Linzer torte. (I mixed vanilla extract and angostura bitters into the raspberry jam to add a little depth to the flavor - quite happy with how that turned out.)
A Linzer torte with slightly sloppy edges
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 16/07/2025
Lucille Bluth:  “they don’t allow you to have bees in here.”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 01/07/2025
If we know each other IRL, remind me to make korokke for you one of these days.
Perfect batch of korokke on a blue plate
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 29/05/2025
A visit from the local fauna
Two bunnies in my front yard
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 08/05/2025
Chicago Pope — if this isn’t the New York Post headline tomorrow I’m gonna subscribe just so I can cancel my subscription
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 23/03/2025
post a warning
Train car with stenciled letters reading “DO NOT HUMP” yeah good advice wasn’t planning to but also now I have questions
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 03/02/2025
Ficta
A package of Kraft Singles American Pasteurized Processed Cheese Food
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 18/11/2024
I took a picture of that same negative-space bunny!
Japanese woodblock print - designed to be made into a fan. It shows a white rabbit looking at the moon — the cool part is that the rabbit is just a slice of the blank canvas, defined negatively against the blue of the night sky.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 24/08/2024
Okay I see what you are going for, New Yorker cover artist, but you do understand that this is basically the opposite of how roller coasters actually work, right?
New Yorker cover that shows a questionable grasp of roller coasters. Harris/Walz are happily going up, the other jerks are unhappily going down.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 24/07/2024
change.org petition asking the researchers involved in the campaign to eradicate the Guinea worm to save the last one in a dish so that Jimmy Carter can personally shoot it to death with a gun
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 09/04/2024
The eclipse as seen by an iPhone through safety glasses, light cloud cover, and a tree.The eclipse as seen by an iPhone through safety glasses, light cloud cover, and a tree. (Slash, the wrathful eye of Vigo the Carpathian.)
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 25/03/2024
This image is extremely funny to me because “Stick Season” is such a bleakly evocative phrase UNLESS YOU ARE A DOG, in which case Stick Season is the dopest shit imaginable.
Promotional picture for Noah Kahan’s “Stick Season” that shows Kahan’s dog living its best life and Kahan himself living his worst.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 02/01/2024
Lots of people on the timeline joking about how you can now make Mickey Mouse say “butt” or whatever, but most of that stuff was already protected parody. HERE is the truly forbidden remix of Steamboat Willie that Bob Iger doesn’t want you to see.
Image of the famous public-domain rodent Mickey Mouse with the added text “for $5.00 I will print this out and mail you a copy.”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 30/11/2023
Image from that episode of The Simpsons where Marge paints Mr. Burns. Ms. Hoover and Dr. Hibbert are regarding the painting. Caption:  “He’s bad, but he’ll die. So I like it.”

This jpeg is a fictional narrative and is not based on any persons living or (finally!) dead.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 29/11/2023
Dr. Zoidberg pointing and shouting “You all still have Glazunov!”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 02/11/2023
Don’t bogart that joint! Instead, henreid those two joints.
Paul Henreid lights two cigarettes in his mouth and passes one to Berry Davis, in one of all-time great horny moments of the Hays Code.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 06/10/2023
Say it, Frenchy!
Showw-daire.Chowdah!Showw-daire!!
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 04/10/2023
Made a smoothie with banana, pineapple, frozen cherries, yogurt, and buttermilk, and the color is… surprising. Is there some kind of chemical reaction at work? I get that dark cherries are more purple than red, but this looks like I puréed a Grimace.
Smoothie made from pineapple, banana, cherries, yogurt, and buttermilk, which for some reason is a bright Crayola purple.
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 24/09/2023
This turned out really well
Myer’s Single Barrel Rum (2 shots), Orgeat Syrup (~ 1 tsp), Rose’s Lime Juice (~ 1 tsp), Aztec Chocolate Bitters (2 dashes), stirred, rocks
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 21/09/2023
Feels a little on-the-nose, guys, idk.
Logo for, I kid you not, “White Manor Country Club”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 21/09/2023
“Okay, but just hypothetically, what if he stepped on me?”
Raphael’s “San Michele piccolo”Close up on the demon’s head being all like “noooo, stopppp, donnn’t, little to the left, noooo, stopppp”
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Jordan Carmalt Stokes @floreustebius.bsky.social · 02/09/2023
This looks like random trash, I know, but I wanted to document the kids using pool noodles to vault the ceiling of their blanket fort.
Blanket fort with pool-noodle vaulted ceiling.
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