theonion.com
DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms
WASHINGTON—In an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday i...
![Hello Bone Colleagues,
I have invented a new type of ankle and I'm very excited to show it to you. Early raccoon trials suggest a 60% increase in scurrying speed and dramatic increases in fine motor banditry. I know we are not supposed to create super raccoons, but I think you'll change your mind and professional ethics when you see how cute they are. I believe we are on the cusp of a new era in advanced human scurrying because if medical science has taught me anything, it's that improvements in raccoons correspond 1:1 to improvements in humans.
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[My name]
Chief Bone Inventor
Chair, Department of Foot and Leg Innovation
Lord Mayor, Musculoskeletal Medicine
Hartford HealthCare,
The Bone & Joint Institute at Hartford Hospital.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:nycc7oummopgeptw555s6icn/bafkreicwbyb3msa5cnllbexjrxrmuw2s6qj36aiitv2tp5aos5nsz2pem4)
