iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

TBF, Dr. Liz and I are also fairly convinced that this is really just a sugar baby dating site for people with a breeder kink but that's a different matter entirely

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 7h

Yeah when you get right down to it, this site really offers nothing that other people couldn't do themselves. Really the only value that it offers is the theoretically higher profile of the site; everything else is a "our lawyers told us we shouldn't do this."

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 8h

Pie Bar? Wait no that's Capital Hill.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 8h

Because my brain is so cosmically broken, I had to look at this spherically cursed website and oh Jesus hopfrog Christ. And because I'm me, I had to subject @drlizpowell.bsky.social to it so hey, you get to hear our descent into madness in a couple weeks on @doaswesaypod.bsky.social...

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 03/10/2026

Trying to figure out your love life alone can be hard. Let me help guide you on your journey. Send in your questions about love, sex and dating to ASK DR. NERDLOVE at doctornerdlove.com/c... or email them to doc@doctornerdlove(dot)com!

Image of a smartphone showing a romantic couple in silhouette against fairy lights in the background. Underneath a reminder notice says "SUBMIT A DATING ADVICE QUESTION!"

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 03/10/2026

NEW COLUMN: He prefers sexual exclusivity. His partner told him that her sleeping with other people was part of "being single". Is he out of step with modern dating? ASK DR. NERDLOVE: What’s The Difference Between Non-Monogamy And “Just Being Single”?

doctornerdlove.com

What's The Difference Between Non-Monogamy And "Just Being Single"?

He prefers sexual exclusivity. His partner told him that her sleeping with other people was part of "being single". Is he out of step with modern dating?

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 02/10/2026

Now live on Patreon: he prefers exclusivity, even in a short term relationship. She insists that there's no such thing. Is he a sex-negative dinosaur who doesn't "get" modern dating? Is there a meaningful difference between non-monogamy and being single? www.patreon.com/DrNe...

What's The Difference Between Non-Monogamy And "Just Being Single"?

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 02/10/2026

Will Smith’s character is straight up Ross Silibus down to the artificial limb and “why I hate robots” origin story tho

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 02/10/2026

I, Robot was on the the TV while I was waiting for an appointment and I had honestly forgotten how much it straight up steals from Armitage III.

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Reposted by Dr. NerdLove

Bryn ✶ ~,--,^^. @brynstellaris.diy · 02/10/2026

The first response is spot-on, but it's the second letter that got to me. Your reply is almost exactly what I would've told him, because it's what I've needed to hear in *my* worst moments. He has so much left to learn, so I'm glad he's learning it. Bro has no idea how much love is waiting for him.

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Reposted by Dr. NerdLove

Seanan McGuire @seananmcguire.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

I'd really appreciate seeing you all here.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 02/10/2026

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 02/10/2026

doctornerdlove.com

What's The Difference Between Non-Monogamy And "Just Being Single"?

He prefers sexual exclusivity. His partner told him that her sleeping with other people was part of "being single". Is he out of step with modern dating?

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 02/10/2026

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

If you want to read this in non-thread form, you can also check it out via my newsletter – along with a digest of each week's Ask Dr. NerdLove. Check it out and subscribe to get everything I'm making. doctornerdlove.kit.c...

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

If someone wants to play games, then let them. Because at the end of the day, the only way to win… is not to play.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

There are people out there who treat dating and relationships this way and will pull shit like this to see how you react. Those people are not the norm; they are rare, they are usually screamingly obvious and – importantly – they’re easily avoided.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

You’ll be amazed at how much sense things start making when you stop trying to read minds or practice relationship Kremlinology. And to forestall the obvious: yeah, shitty people exist.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

When something comes up that seems confusing or you’re unsure how to interpret it, just use your words and ask them. Don’t try to think six moves ahead in some game of 3-dimensional chess, don’t crowdsource the answer, just ask for clarity.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

In its best form, a date is a collaborative experience, with both people wanting to see if this person is a good match for them. The best option possible is very simple: go into each date and each relationship in good faith, assuming that this person wants this to work as much as you do.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

If someone is on a date with you or is interested in you, they’re not trying to find reasons not to be, they’re hoping beyond hope that you are the last person they’ll have to date.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

People aren’t looking for The Best Possible Option like they’re trying to find a new washing machine, they’re looking for someone they like, someone they can share a life with. Going on a date is inherently an act of optimism, the triumph of hope over experience.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

That’s just an ulcer waiting to happen, as two people keep stare each other down like a pair of gunslingers, hands never straying far from their holsters.   Here is the truth: gentlemen, women aren’t “testing” you. Women aren’t pre-rejecting you.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

At best you can have a détente in a cold war, where both sides say they’re at peace but are still secretly waiting and planning for the sudden and inevitable betrayal. That’s not a relationship.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

The paranoia this engenders can’t be relieved by “passing” those tests, because there is never a point where you can feel secure that the other person is honest and authentic.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

Every day is yet another round of playing The Prisoner’s Dilemma and never being completely sure what your partner chose. There is no point where you will have tested them enough, nor that you have “passed” enough tests and now you can let your guard down.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

And what is especially insidious about the idea of “testing” your date or being “tested” by them is that it makes it impossible to ever actually have a relationship, because you can never trust them.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

And if there’s even a 1% chance that it’s true then you must treat it as an ABSOLUTE certainty because…   Well, at least partially because rage bait and fearbait do really well in social media algorithms, but mostly just “because”.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

You can’t let them know what you think or how you feel because that gives them leverage that they will use to… do something. What? Who knows? Something awful probably.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

The idea that your date is “testing” you creates an antagonistic frame, in which you cannot trust the person you are trying to build a relationship with. You cannot let your guard down, you cannot be honest, and you absolutely can’t show weakness.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

Well Bob, they win a fabulous collection of stupid prizes, including “being alone on a Saturday night”, “Being dumped like fifth period French,” and “an increasingly toxic relationship with a shocking dearth of trust, collaboration and connection”.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

The idea that men and women can, do and should “test” each other posits a world where dating and relationships are an antagonistic experience, where conflict is inevitable and one party will “win”. What do they win for playing these stupid games?

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

It’s game theory being weaponized as a dating strategy, with absolutely no irony and no concept of how alienating and dehumanizing it is. The problem is that this works against the very nature of a relationship and having a partner.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

The idea of testing people or that they’re testing you is about relieving that fear; it’s about maintaining the illusion that you have control, that it’s possible to eliminate the risk of being hurt by being hypervigilant.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

You are deliberately exposing yourself to someone and that means that you can get hurt. There’s an understandable fear of being vulnerable to the wrong person, of making the wrong choice or simply the fear that you will make this call and it will backfire on you.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

Nor is it about the Manosphere twin boogeymen of hypergamy and getting cuckolded.  It’s about fear. Dating and relationships require that you make yourself vulnerable to another person and that sort of openness can be scary.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

It shouldn’t really be a surprise then that people keep asking if the straights are ok. Look, as frustrating as I find it, I do understand the point of this. It’s not just control and dominance for dominance’s sake (though that is a part of it).

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

The Rules, written in the late 90s, famously told women to fake being busy so they didn’t seem too available, to always put barriers between themselves and their date, never tip your hand or really to just let someone know that you like them at all, really.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

It’s also not restricted to the PUA/Manosphere either; there are just as many voices telling women to do the same thing.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

Now, I mention this anecdote, not because of how it was teaching people to ignore “soft no’s”, but because of the way it frames meeting and interacting with people: as a contest of dominance, where one person is actively looking for reasons to reject another person.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

It… worked about as well as you might expect.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

It shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone playing along at home that most ‘shit tests’ were actually “this person isn’t interested, doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be bothered.” By reframing it as a “test”, it creates a permission structure for men to ignore someone’s "no" and keep pushing.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

social value to be attractive. The proper response, according to the various gurus of the time, was to “plow through” these tests in order to show that yes, you were in fact the Alpha Male that you were pretending to be.

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Dr. NerdLove @doctornerdlove.com · 01/10/2026

As I’ve mentioned before and elsewhere, I got my start in the pick-up scene in the early 00s, where the concept of “shit-tests” were codified – the idea that women act in certain ways, usually dismissively or antagonistically, in order to “test” whether you were actually confident or had enough

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