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Richard Pantis

@dickpantis.bsky.social
216 followers 53 following 96 posts

Journalist | Think Tank CEO | "Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers." - Voltaire

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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
He's using the word "simulacrum" in an attempt to sound clever because he clearly just learnt it from The Elephant Graveyard. You can tell he's just learnt it because, like all of his posts, the rest of the sentence reads like a child wrote it.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
When I briefly worked at the BBC, I entered the kitchen area to prepare my lunch and I saw Justin Webb spreading shit on to slices of toast. The shit was stored in an old Utterly Butterly tub that had his name on it. The smell was unbearable.
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Andy Churnwell @churnwell.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Political cartoon by CHODE.Muscular angel (Keir Starmer, red “K” on chest, halo and wings) stands on a cloud labeled “NOBLE CENTRISTS.”Left: Jeremy Corbyn on a stormy cloud, holding “LOONY LEFT” sign and “Communist Manifesto.”
Floating head above him: Churnwell.
Right floating head: Kelvin Knox.
Far right: Boris Johnson on a stormy cloud, holding “SILLY RIGHT” sign and looking distressed.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Please stop saying I look like @nathancofnas.bsky.social.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 19/08/2026
It's been a tough few weeks for British journalists. First, our beloved Rod Liddle passed away, and now for inexplicable reasons everybody hates us. As you can tell from the state of our recent articles, we're not doing so good. So please check in on us if you have the time. 🙏
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Andy Churnwell @churnwell.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Nobody deserves to be treated like this, except for real monsters like Jeremy Corbyn and Zack Polanski.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Sorry, @sonia-sodha.bsky.social. The Pantis Prize is reserved for those who excel in British journalism. Unfortunately your horrendous writing, which wouldn't get you employed at a local newspaper in any other country, has brought shame on our profession. Pantis Prize: DENIED!
A Pantis Prize certificate with Denied stamped over it.
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Omelette Coleman @omelettecoleman.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
My son's friend works for the Telegraph comment section and he's had to remove the "Journalist On Board" sticker from his BMW. It's hard out there so spare a thought for the press pack. They are humans too.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
The public are so contemptuous of British journalists that I can't even go to Gail's for an expensive coffee without being laughed at by strangers. This is the thanks I get for writing articles about how everything is woke for the @financialtimes.com.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Imagine being at a party and having to reply, "I'm the parliamentary sketch writer for The Telegraph," to the question, "So what do you do?" Do you have any idea how humilating that is?
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
One day we'll change the law to stop this kind of anti-privately educated British journalist bigotry from going on.
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Andy Churnwell @churnwell.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
Distracted boyfriend with Andy Burnham checking out "right-wing blokes who like pints with a big fookin' head on them" and ignoring the trans community.
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Andy Churnwell @churnwell.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
When he was a child, my son had Manchester United wallpaper on his walls with illustrations of all his football heroes beside their signatures. I've reproduced it with a few of my current political heroes and I intend to plaster it on the rear window of my Yaris.
Wallpaper featuring Labour Mps's and their signatures.
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Andy Churnwell @churnwell.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Science has gone too far this time! It was the only way to save the White Bigot! They attached his head to a Soul Brother's body!
The Thing With Two Head's Poster on which Rod Liddle's head has been attached to a black man's body. One half of the image features the man riding a bike
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
I knew the real Rod Liddle, not the bigot he presented himself as in columns. Once, I witnessed him heroically running into a burning building to save those trapped inside. Unfortunately the building was a school and it wasn't on fire. He was trying to shag the kids.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
I knew the real Rod Liddle. Once, at The Spectator garden party, I witnessed him saving a family of hedgehogs. Yes, he was a wife beating paedo, but he also saved those hedgehogs.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
"Others were afraid to confess that they have a carnal, irrepressible sexual attraction to children, or call for child pornography to be legalised. Not 'playful genius' Rod. Like a paedophile Neil Armstrong, he took one giant leap for noncekind every time he submitted his brave columns."
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
EXCLUSIVE When I was at St Paul's school, James Murray used to bring shit sandwiches in his lunchbox - actual human shit sandwiched between two slices of white bread, with the crusts cut off.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
It's necessary for me to confess that I was one of the boys who pissed in James's lunchbox. Not something I'm proud of, but it was a different time.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 07/06/2026
🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Some deeply troubling news circulating around the media camp here in Dallas. Apparently several England players- including, I'm told, Harry Kane - have drowned in the swamp surrounding the Papa Johns Arena, having ignored advice to avoid walking anywhere.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Hemel Hempstead man, Mark Thartley, 65, has been hospitalised after being mistaken for the real Sir Keir Starmer at yesterday's Unite The Kingdom protest.
Mark Thartley raising glassSir Keir Starmer at Unite The Kingdom Protest
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 13/05/2026
The great war correspondents - Martha Gellhorn filing from Madrid, Michael Herr in Vietnam, Marie Colvin under shellfire - believed history lived in the details. In that spirit, I too will venture into the frontline chaos: a forensic examination of a bag of Zack Polanski's pants.
Big bag of pants
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 13/05/2026
Sorry, @danneidle.bsky.social. The Pantis Prize is reserved for those who excel in British journalism. Although I appreciate your vision, your ham-fisted exposé has brought shame on the profession I love. Consider yourself officially banished from The Inner Circle.
Pantis Prize: denied.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 12/05/2026
🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: rumours are circulating in Westminster that Keir Starmer has signed a six album deal with Elektra records.
Keir Starmer on the mic.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
In his nefarious quest to take over Britain, Zack Polanski foolishly forgot to account for one thing: a Cambridge-educated, award-winning journalist exposing his fondness for luxury Charlie Bigham's ready meals - meals most voters simply cannot afford.
Zack Polanski's bins with CB ready meal inside.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
This is an artist's impression of what Zack Polanski might look like sleeping in a state of the art antisemitism chamber. I find it so distributing to imagine him lying there for hours supercharging his powers.
Zack in his chamber
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 20/04/2026
Thrilled to see this in Gower Street Waterstones today.
Suicide of a marriage: how matt goodwin used ai to cheat on his wife by richard pantis
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 29/03/2026
EXCLUSIVE: British London Books confirm that Matt Goodwin's book, Birth of a Nation, will be pulped following allegations that it was written entirely by ChatGPT.
British London books logoMatt Goodwin smiling
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
I wonder if there's a connection between people who have been radicalised by social media misinformation and those stupid enough to believe that this is a medieval building.
Mock tudor building that's also a Turkish barber
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 12/03/2026
🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Omid Djalili has sipped the enchanted transphobia elixir that destroys one's ability to have normal opinions about anything ever again.
Omid drinking from cup
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Andy Churnwell @churnwell.bsky.social · 10/03/2026
Hit that LIKE button if she left you for your views.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
Zack Polanski is afraid to debate me in the discourse dojo. I've been following him around all day, but he refuses to engage. When I tried to speak to Green Party activists, one of them gave me a wedgie and called me Dick Pantpiss. Can these people be trusted in government?
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: infrared technology reveals that @zackpolanski.bsky.social's home contains no poppies or poppy-themed items.
Infrared image of Zack's home.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 29/01/2026
EXCLUSIVE: Graham Linehan has learnt to live entirely without sleep, generating energy through a process known as indignation, whereby his bloodstream is continuously oxygenated through excessive rage tweeting.
Graham Linehan with cum on his top in the toilets.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 13/12/2025
Look at this horrid man.
Thomas Skinner with his cock out on the tube.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 10/12/2025
The men's toilets in the House of Commons has graffiti on the cubicle door that reads: "Mike Tapp tapped Scooby." Not sure what this could mean.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 01/10/2025
Starmer Bumps: those sudden gooseflesh eruptions when Sir Keir finds his cadence. Syllables striking like tuning forks, stirring marrow, thrilling blood. Not politics as usual, but politics as symphony. And you, the listener, are the instrument.
Goosebumps on an arm
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 07/09/2025
AI will never replace British journalists: they wield irony like a scalpel, dissect absurdity, and know instinctively when to be polite, or ruthlessly cutting. Algorithms can mimic words; they cannot summon the judgment of a newsroom anchored in sensible reason.
Open AI: why ai won't take my job. The technology is no match for felt eexperience in the real world by me, Richard Pantis.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 04/09/2025
🚨🚨🚨COURT ADJOURNED: I've been told that the Father Ted co-creator, Gram Lineham, has suffered severe fit of psychogastrocolic expulsiosis in the middle of his trial, resulting in a premature end to today's proceedings.
Gram with his big sweaty red head.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 02/09/2025
🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: A Labour insider tells me that Sir Keir Starmer has been at Trump's bedside for the past two hours, cradling his head and dabbing his brow with a cold flannel. Doctors have explained to Starmer that Trump, his good friend, is unlikely to make it through the night.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 02/09/2025
Me for The Telegraph: Former comedy writer Graham Linehan heroically smears own excrement on toilet walls and seat in the latest battle against trans activists.
Toilet cubical with "shit" smeared in shit on the wall and a chocolate ring around the sea.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 28/08/2025
A snippet from The Competence Trick. Chapter V: Birth of Leader.
It was, by all reasonable accounts, a line so mild it ought to have evaporated on delivery; an administrative quip about beds, hotel reservations, the clerical minutiae of conference life. Yet when Sir Keir, with that faintly episcopal gravity of his, raised an eyebrow and said, “They told me it was a double, but I booked a king size,” the room detonated. Applause, laughter, the full animal roar of relief. In that moment, he was less the lawyer-lab technician of Labour, less the dutiful scourer of footnotes, and more—astonishingly—something like a comic. The applause was thunderous not because the line was funny (it wasn’t, not really), but because it was him, Keir, showing he could land a punchline, showing he could inhabit the body of a man who could lead not just by argument but by timing, by wit. He stood there in the afterglow, a hero of hotel-room humour, while the party faithful shook with joy at the miracle: their leader had joked, and he had landed it.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 27/08/2025
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Guardian ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The Times ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - The New European "Pantis packs a hell of a punch!" - Kelvin Knox
Cover for The Competence Trick by Richard Pantis.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 26/08/2025
A snippet from my new book, The Competence Trick, a deep dive into the sensible world of Sir Keir Starmer.
There’s a kind of English elegance in his restraint. A QC’s mind, a football manager’s patience, a civil servant’s allergy to melodrama. You can practically hear the nation sighing, relieved to have someone who knows where the stapler is, who can speak in sentences that don’t self-detonate halfway through.

Starmer is not thrilling. Thank God. Thrills in politics are always preludes to hangovers. What he offers is better: the grainy dignity of getting on with it, of remembering the point of the whole enterprise, that government is not performance art, but administration. In this Age of the Clown, Starmer is the straight man. And that, right now, is greatness enough.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 30/07/2025
BREAKING Tommy Robinson fled scene on the back of a cat after assaulting man, staff at St Pancras have revealed.
Tiny Tommy Robinson with cat
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 04/07/2025
I was at The Spectator garden party when I found out about Corbyn starting a new party. Beth Rigby literally shat herself and an elderly man's SS hat fell off.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 04/07/2025
As a British journalist, I pledge my allegiance to the ancient scrolls of Sensible Grown-up Politics, hereby renewing my duty to do whatever is necessary to ensure that chaos with Corbyn is avoided.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 01/07/2025
Congratulation, Peter Cardwell, winner of the highest honour in British journalism. It's the job of the British journalist to search through the bins of undesirables and expose their depravity, however tenuous the accusation may be: "Toploader have never driven a lorry."
Peter Cardwell
@petercardwell
·
20h
Factually, kneecapping someone who is under 18, which the IRA and other terrorists have done frequently, is a form of child abuse.  Kneecap are named after something which has been used as a form of child abuse.
Quote
Dr. Tomato
@DocTomato
·
20h
Replying to @petercardwell and @TalkTV
lol "child abuse"? The fuck you even talking about.
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Richard Pantis @dickpantis.bsky.social · 30/06/2025
Well, well, well, Mr Bob Vylan. Let's see what we have here, shall we? The box from a Planty Sweet 'N' Sour Tempeh ready meal? Bit pricey, I bet. And what's this? A load of flyers for local takeaways? How's that going to solve global warming, eh?
Open wheelie bin full of rubbish
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