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Conky

@conky.online
122 followers 381 following 327 posts

any day you hear a cool tune and read a funny billboard can't be THAT bad

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Conky @conky.online · 29/09/2026
i was in a hurry, i didn't go to my regular store, and i bought some bad butter. i got 4 sticks of shit butter now. i don't even go through butter that quick. i'm going to have the bad butter for 3-5 years probably.
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Conky @conky.online · 26/09/2026
Seeing the iced coffee discourse has blown up on Bsky like 4 days after the rest of the Internet was talking about it. This site is never beating the "elder millennial holding pen" allegations
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Conky @conky.online · 25/09/2026
New Criterion Channel app bad. It brings me no joy to report this.
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Conky @conky.online · 17/09/2026
i believe NBA would be 10x more popular if players were barefoot
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Conky @conky.online · 16/09/2026
how many of the people who are sure that AI is going to kill us all were also sure that we were living in a simulation in 2010?
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Conky @conky.online · 11/09/2026
Something happens in the news every day that reminds me of the classic quote from Jurassic Park: "your scientists were so preoccupied with being dumb assholes, they didn't stop to think if they shouldn't be dumb assholes."
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Conky @conky.online · 07/09/2026
i do not know of this Ellison. to me, Paramount will always be a "Gulf + Western Company"
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Conky @conky.online · 04/09/2026
I was getting ready to leave work and i realized I wasn't wearing my glasses and i looked all over and found them on THE FLOOR like they were the glasses of a DOG
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Conky @conky.online · 04/09/2026
i hate AI so much that i'm constantly copying and pasting random prose i find online into AI so the AI can tell me if i should hate it because the writing is AI
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Conky @conky.online · 03/09/2026
"Agentic"? I thought everyone was saying "agent ick" like "ai gives me the agent ick."
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Conky @conky.online · 21/08/2026
90% of the people interacting with this are treating it like a sign that was hung in a real window, when the entire "photo" is AI and none of this happened in the world. We're at the point in the cycle where the examples of slop are just slop themselves. Slop mouth eating slop tail.
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Conky @conky.online · 03/08/2026
I dipped my entire baby in SPF 100 yet somehow he still suffered horrendous sunburn to his heels. If only there had been some allegorical story to help me anticipate this!!
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Conky @conky.online · 27/07/2026
why do none of the major car shopping sites let you filter by the most important feature? (which side the gas tank is on.)
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Reposted by Conky
Conky @conky.online · 08/09/2025
"a-hole" and "b-hole" mean the same hole??? i swear English is the worst language.
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Conky @conky.online · 16/07/2026
I asked them about you at the Nut Mobile and they had never heard of you
The back half of a large, peanut shaped vehicle. Black text on the side reads "Planters #NUTmobile"
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Conky @conky.online · 15/07/2026
my pilot got picked up for the fall! it's called "Two and a Half Sheldons" and it stars Sheldon. Sheldon, and Young Sheldon.
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Conky @conky.online · 09/07/2026
Frank Grimes angrily confronts Homer Simpson
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Conky @conky.online · 06/06/2026
Getting the dentist to use the filling material to connect all your teeth into one big tooth? We call that a "Human Dentipede"
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Conky @conky.online · 26/05/2026
I bring a certain awkward energy to the top of the ladder that safety officers don't really like
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Conky @conky.online · 25/05/2026
Spoiler for The Mandolorian and Grogu: Drung Bunto, who the fandom presumed dead after the attack on Porkusan depicted in a short-run comic, is actually alive! His survival is attributed to The Force.
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Conky @conky.online · 24/05/2026
i'm getting suspicious that not every game show that claims it is actually "America's favorite"
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Conky @conky.online · 20/05/2026
Crazy how teeth need to be professionally cleaned every six months. No logical reason for why teeth cleaning and the amount of time the earth takes to revolve around the sun would line up, yet they do. Kinda enough to make you believe in intelligent design.
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Conky @conky.online · 18/05/2026
babe, promise me you'll never use chatgpt and short-form vertical video in the same day. your brain isn't built to withstand two cooking methods simultaneously.
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Conky @conky.online · 08/05/2026
everyone needs to shut up about me taking my 14 foot trump flag off my f-350. it's NOT because i changed my mind. i simply need to reduce drag until gas drops back below $7/gallon.
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Conky @conky.online · 01/05/2026
let John Woo make a Star War
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Conky @conky.online · 07/04/2026
Scene set in an office? You know the set dresser is gonna put one of these bad boys on the desk
A white-boxed photo of a Cisco SPA303 desk phone. This is a very common VOIP phone to see in shows and movies
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Conky @conky.online · 01/03/2026
Netflix got $2.8 billion for not buying Warner Bros. and I just want to say that it's a fair number and we should normalize giving $2.8 billion to people who didn't buy Warner Bros. and coincidentally I also didn't buy Warner Bros.
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Conky @conky.online · 04/02/2026
every day i think about Jonas Salk or Alexander Fleming saving hundreds of millions of lives and continuing to live like regular people. And then Zuck made a website so he could know when hot girls would be at the library and decided this made him the most important person in human history.
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Conky @conky.online · 02/02/2026
i'm bottling up all of my feelings about how politics and the economy work, all of the contradictions and absurdities and indignities, but the thing that will eventually make me lose my mind is clicking "remember this device for 30 days" every fucking day when i log into the same web site.
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Conky @conky.online · 23/01/2026
I'm just going to back into the pole on my way out of the driveway right now and take down my own electricity. Better than waiting and worrying.
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Conky @conky.online · 21/01/2026
Not a Mets fan, but this slogan has been resonating with me lately
An illustration of a stylized baseball. The seams are orange, and there's a blue representation of the NYC skyline circumscribed within the circular outline of the ball. Across the front, extending just past the edges of the ball, in all caps, are the words: 
YA GOTTA
BELIEVE!
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Conky @conky.online · 21/01/2026
The president deserves a brand new Boeing airplane, built right now, with all the contemporary workmanship! Don't overthink it too much, just give him whatever rolls off the line next.
A screenshot of black text on a white background from an AP story. It reads: "The two planes currently used as Air Force One have been flying for nearly four decades. Boeing has been working on replacements, but the program has faced a series of delays. The planes" (it is cut off mid sentence like that in the image.)
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Conky @conky.online · 16/01/2026
Get the fuck out of here
A screenshot of white text on a dark background that reads:
"Quad Cities
Region of five cities"
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Conky @conky.online · 08/01/2026
social media would be infinitely better if when you start replying to a post, the OP saw the "..." so they knew you were typing. And then when you hit the back button and don't reply, they can feel relieved. And when something goes viral, they could see thousands of "..." icons. That would be fun.
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Conky @conky.online · 25/12/2025
don't look at wrestlers, they're just doing all that for attention
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Conky @conky.online · 14/12/2025
New Bumper sticker idea: "I Got This Before I Learned About World War 2"
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Conky @conky.online · 09/12/2025
from now on when I'm pissed at someone, I'm going to tell them, "go pound cake." i expect it to be confusing and ineffective.
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Conky @conky.online · 05/12/2025
suing my physics TA for giving me a 0 out of 25 on my Theory of Relativity response paper titled "The Back to the Future trilogy points out a lot of downsides of time travel"
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Conky @conky.online · 25/11/2025
"you can hire the dumbest guy in the pedophile cabal because the dumbness and pedophilia cancel out, leaving you with a mostly normal guy" this right here is why Bari is the Final Boss Of Radical Centrism
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Conky @conky.online · 22/11/2025
the timeline this morning is giving me Havana Syndrome
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Conky @conky.online · 21/11/2025
can't believe this is the last ever email Jeffrey Epstein sent, ten minutes before he was arrested
Black text on white background formatted to look like an email. It reads:

From: 	Jeffrey Epstein
To: 	Donald J. Trump
Date: 	6 July 2019
Subj: Little gettogether

pay at the garden centr, major tiem saver

Donald J. Trump wrote:
>sorry, can't come over. at Walmart bying extra strong weightbearing bed sheet

>Jeffrey Epstein wrote:
>>back in your neck of the woods, come by?
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Conky @conky.online · 19/11/2025
This man has resting "perv sweating under a bright light" face
A screenshot of a photo and headline linking to a CNN article. The headline reads "Larry Summers says he is 'deeply ashamed' after new Jeffrey Epstein emails and will pause public engageme..." [Headline cuts off in the original photo.] The included picture of Larry Summers looks bad in the way that the text of my joke would indicate.
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Conky @conky.online · 17/11/2025
it might be worth reflecting on what in the American system makes it so only fucking monsters and dogshit rubes float to the top
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Conky @conky.online · 09/11/2025
Out on the road today, I saw a Mitski sticker on a Cybertruck / A little voice inside my head said, "don't give a fuck, you can never give a fuck"
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Conky @conky.online · 07/11/2025
thank you for saving me the labor of listening, AI voice transcription
a screenshot of an Outlook email message, in dark mode OBVIOUSLY. There's an attachment called audio.mp3 at the top called audio.mp3 and it's 123 KB. below that is the the text of the AI transcription of audio.mp3, which is a voicemail by the way: "hey christopher this is breed and sarah over at ricotta"
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Conky @conky.online · 24/10/2025
still not sure if the "pod cast" will catch on. mostly because of the name. people HATE "pod." pod people, pea pod, podesta, etc. #tedtalk #tedx
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Conky @conky.online · 24/10/2025
Did something happen Online tonight that made Bsky crappy at loading posts? I've been listening to grunge rock all night, i don't even get on the computer that much, so I'm not sure.
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Conky @conky.online · 23/10/2025
Watching Youtube video "how to parallel park (2025 latest strategies)" while like 30 people honk angrily at me
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Conky @conky.online · 23/10/2025
A neon green dumpster on a city street. In the background there's a delivery box truck. There's graffiti over the top two-thirds of the dumpster. Running the entire width of the dumpster is a phrase written in black: "How to move forward after a bad break up"
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Conky @conky.online · 19/10/2025
Jason Vorhees. Great story. Kid is bullied, beaten, nearly drowned. Pulls himself up by his bootstraps. Grows up to be an astronaut.
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