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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 21h

New Battlemech movement type: The Crip walk. You move one hex less than your usual walk MP but uh... You look cool while doing it I guess?

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

My mech's targeting computer has an "I'm Feeling Lucky!" button.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

Comstar Healthcare covers performance enhancing orchiectomy surgeries for mech pilots so you aren't distracted by sweaty balls in the cockpit.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

THE CAPELLANS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS BUT THE CATAPHRACTS AT TIKONOV ARE FREE YOU CAN TAKE THEM HOME I HAVE 458 CATAPHRACTS.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Thanks to the discovery of lostech in the Helm memory core, all further briefings and orders are to be delivered using the power of HitClips. As such please limit such briefings to 60 seconds or less.

An image of the Tiger HitClips music player and three cartridges.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

So we all know Battletech distances are measured in hexes. A hex is 30m across. I'd like to know how many hexes 30m is. That way I'll know how many hexes we have per hex. It's hexes the whole way down!

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

"I Know Where My Heart Is Because I Know Where It Isn't" A (very short) toxic yuri fic about an LRM in love and the anti missile system sworn to destroy it despite every circuit in its system screaming with desire.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

"In this trial, I will face my foe... Augmented." [Pops gas station dick pill]

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

To the mad motherfucker who looked at a Ryoken B, with it's UAC20, six clan medium lasers, and terrifying mobility, and thought yes, this is the ideal mech for a 0/0 pilot, when sticking Kai in it at the Great Refusal. This wild bastard clearly was planning on killing god for fun. I salute you.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

THE ART OF SHUTTING THE FUCK UP: A guide to public relations by Comstar's PR department.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 14/09/2026

"Humans will anthropomorphise anything!" - A junior adept when being questioned about the faces sharpied onto every LRM in the rack.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 13/09/2026

I heard if you press all the buttons on your mech's joystick at the same time it takes a screenshot.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

On the burn in to Tukayyid chanting "GIRLS NIGHT! GIRLS NIGHT! GIRLS NIGHT!"

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

MRMs - Putting the "Miss" in "Missile" since 3058.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

We have also proofed our ships against boarding space marines using litigation from Games Workshop.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

Through the power of slightly smaller than normal doors, all Comstar warships are now immune to boarding by Elementals.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 05/09/2026

The Clans have been using omnimechs to transport battle armoured troops for many many years, but today Quikscell presents the final word in BA delivery: Gauss Battle Armour. You can load them right in! They're ferrous, they fire just fine! And it's so much faster than a Fire Moth!

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 01/09/2026

NEW FROM QUIKSCELL! The one shot PPC! Powered by an advanced network of several thousand nine volt Duracell batteries, each tested by a highly trained technician sticking their tongue on the contacts, the OS-PPC is the ideal holdout weapon for a militia on a budget.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

True stealth isn't ECM or stealth armour or Chameleon LPS, it's piloting a mech so utterly forgettable it vanishes from the minds of your opponent. Pic unrelated. See, you've already forgotten about it.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 28/08/2026

Obscure Comstar Lore: Anastasius Focht's eyepatch is actually concealing a sick as fuck eye laser.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 27/08/2026

You know it's kinda funny to me that with all their genetic engineering and eugenics, the Clans managed to perfect the giant fucking nerd in the pilot phenotype.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

"No, no, they didn't give that protomech pilot Feralize... She's just... You know... Like that?"

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 21/08/2026

The Lyran judge was a Comstar plant.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 20/08/2026

Comstar trivia: Mech assignments are determined via mech dating simulator.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 18/08/2026

So if anyone asks, the Mad Cat was an inferior clone of the Rakshasa, which was TOTALLY in development by 2940, and you can't prove otherwise, right? What are you, the cops? Get out of my house!

Lineart of the Battletech Rakshasa mech.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 17/08/2026

FROM: hr@newavalon.hpg.local TO: all-staff@newavalon.hpg.local When the Word of Blake split off, that left the Inner Sphere with two organisations that could claim to be "ComStar." HR wishes to advise that the correct plural is not "ComStars" but instead ComsStar."

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 14/08/2026

An adept recently described the Inner Sphere's vibe as having "big Altima energy." I had to check the archives to understand the reference, but I can't argue with that?

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 13/08/2026

This post brought to you by the guy cracking vintage Tukayyid era ration packs in 3151 and making videos about it. "Oooh, nice hiss!"

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 13/08/2026

Comstar rations are now nutritionist certified as safe for most kidneys!

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

I was about to make a joke about adding mum's spaghetti to their bid until I remembered they don't have mothers :(

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 12/08/2026

Do you ever think a Batchall has been resolved by rap battle?

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 11/08/2026

"Hello, this is Comstar Support, how may I assist you?" "...Your HPG bill is too high? Let me see..." [Keyboard noises] "Ah I see what you've done. Instead of formatting your video as mpeg, which makes it smaller, you formatted it as mpreg, which makes it bigger. We bill extra for large files..."

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 11/08/2026

The reason the Word of Blake lost was putting too much faith in the Omegas.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 11/08/2026

Sorry it took me seventeen hours to reply, the latency of ground bound carrier pigeons is horrible.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 10/08/2026

The Alpha Wolf is what you get when you introduce the warrior caste to the Omegaverse. That shit was like catnip.

Lineart of the Battletech Alpha Wolf mech.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 09/08/2026

Comstar tailors local comms to local conditions, but occasionally there's a bureaucratic slip up and you end up with a situation where local comms rely on carrier pigeons on a high-g world like Basalt. To this day communication speed there is capped by how fast pigeons can walk.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 06/08/2026

kallonmarketing@victoria.hpg.local kallonadmin@talon.hpg.local Upon review, the name 'Impregnator' for our new heavy mech has been rejected. Yes, I know we thought we could get away with it after 'Penetrator' but apparently there's a line the shareholders will not cross.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

Y'all really like the forcefem protomech, huh?

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

CLARIFICATION: Earlier we made a 50 cbill offer. Uhhh, it's post Word Of Blake. We broke as fuck, and I was NOT authorised to post that.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

One of the Clanner guys was being transphobic yesterday so we stuck him in the Siren protomech to give him gender dysphoria.

Lineart image of the Siren protomech from Battletech. It has the visage of a blow up sex doll.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 04/08/2026

Experiment time: Taking five captured hyper competitive Smoke Jaguar pilots, forcing them into mechs with C3, and calling it the 'get along star.'

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 03/08/2026

Comstar has many powerful tools at its disposal. Direct intervention, interdiction, information warfare. We, however, enjoy subtlety, like reminding the Captain General that we have his entire internet search history.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 29/07/2026

A group of Hetzers is called a pyramid scheme.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 27/07/2026

OOC for a sec: Sorry folks for the lack of activity here. I've been on the job hunt and it's been taking it out of me. Apparently 'shitposting on the internet as a fictitious evil phone company' doesn't get you far in a job interview?

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

New Comstar update: the Comstar logo will now hit the corners of the screen when bouncing around during the HPG terminal screen saver.

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 22/07/2026

Comstar intelligence suggests that the "not named clan" was not Clan Wolverine, but a much secreter, cooler, and more fashionable 21st clan.

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Reposted by Comstar Helpdesk

🎃DX42🎃 @darkexcalibur42.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

*shrugs* "Guess I better follow policy. Find: Battlemaster jumpseat cuck chair Replace: Battledomme rumbleseat likes-to-watch lounger

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Comstar Helpdesk @comstarhelpdesk.bsky.social · 21/07/2026

FROM: gharris@sarna.hpg.local TO: all-staff@sarna.hpg.local The term "Battlemaster jumpseat cuck chair" is now banned. BANNED! Each day we stray further from Blake's light!

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