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vampire private detective

@colindweir.bsky.social
258 followers 863 following 2.4K posts

Following the advice to just be myself as an act of malicious compliance. (he/him)

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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 7h
If you see this, post a vampire that isn't Dracula.
A panel from the graphic novel “Batman: Bloodstorm” by Doug Moench, Kelley Jones, and John Beatty showing a vampiric Batman weeping and grimacing, fangs bared, as he laments to the red and godless sky, “Nothing’s enough… Nothing but the one thing I… c-can’t have…”

A second speech bubble below Batman’s indicates an off-page Alfred exclaiming, “Good Lord, Sir! Wh-what is happening to—“
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 7h
The Island of Doctor Mario
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
me when there’s 50 more skeets in this thread and not once does she refer to evil morbius as lessbius
static.klipy.com
Oh My: Man Spits Water, Screams "OH, COME ON!"
Alt: Jim Carrey in the 1997 film “Liar Liar” doing a spit take and shouting, “Oh, come on!”
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
I’m so sorry it was a boner joke that gave me this idea, but why the hell isn’t the new Carrie trans? The bullying, the religious trauma, the sexual repression, the body dysmorphia… It would be perfect! And timely! And it would actually justify doing yet another remake!
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
HAMLET Lady, shall I lie in your lap? OPHELIA No, my lord. HAMLET I mean, my head upon your lap? OPHELIA Ay, my lord. HAMLET Do you think I meant fucking?
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
My friend said cosmopolitans were made with almond liqueur. I said they're actually made with orange liqueur. She said I was being a cointreaurian.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Vera Farmiga as Norma Bates on the TV series “Bates Motel” looking exasperated with a hand on her hip. A speech bubble has been superimposed over the lower part of the image to make it appear as if she is speaking the quoted skeet.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Quoteskeet if you’re fucking hot 🏴‍☠️
A dark featured, bushy bearded man in his thirties passed out on a gray couch, his gray-green denim collared shirt unbuttoned unbuttoned just enough to reveal a tantalizing hint of chest hair and just tight enough to reveal an even more tantalizing beer belly. Open on the armrest beside him is a copy of the novel Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
This journalist after interviewing me: "Talking to Colin, it's like receiving oral sex from a libidinous virgin. He goes at it with gusto and a seemingly indefatigable tongue, but it seems more for his own gratification than yours."
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
Make a band MAGA NIИAFG (Nine Inch Nails Are For Girls)
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
Somewhere a millennial staffer is telling a Democratic senator to bring iced coffee to the next State of the Union.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
People love to point out that grownups have been whining about "kids today" since Ancient Sumeria or whatever, but what if that's because every generation actually HAS been worse than the last? Not so comforting now, is it?
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
My review of THE PEOPLE’S JOKER. It’s another short one.
Amateurish, anarchic, maximalist, irreverent, confessional, transgressive, confrontational, geeky, queer, camp, punk rock: in short, everything I wanted it to be, yet somehow less than the sum of its parts. That's the bitch of outsider art. It's often frustrating for the exact same reasons it's valuable. Call me a formalist, call me an aesthete, call me a Spielberg- and Scorsese-pilled cishet shitlord film bro if you must, but as much as I support and admire films and filmmakers like The People's Joker and Vera Drew philosophically, the fact regrettably remains that while I do desire and respond to qualities like emotional authenticity, narrative originality, sociopolitical urgency, and stylistic boldness, I am far more compelled when said qualities intersect with technical virtuosity as they would just two years later in the form of Jane Schoenbrun's I Saw the TV Glow.

That said, I still wear my unlicensed The People's Joker t-shirt (apologies, Ms. Drew, it was a gift from an ex) to work every so often, where I relish the opportunity to evangelize for it whenever a customer brings it up.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
A short (by my standards) review of THE KID DETECTIVE. Still, if all you want is the customary droll one-liner, here it is: “The story of one boy’s journey from Hardy . . . to hardboiled.”
“The story of one boy’s journey from Hardy . . . to hardboiled.”

A deceptively gentle comedy with a brutally bleak view of humanity befitting the genre it seems at first to be parodying before ultimately responding to said bleakness with a genuine cry of despair in lieu of the customary sardonic wisecrack, it doubles as an allegory for the burned-out former gifted kid experience, with the boyishly nonthreatening Adam Brody peppering his performance with just the right amounts of world-weary cynicism and compulsive vulnerability to inhabit both the resigned moralism of the hardboiled detective archetype and the peculiar, dissonant combination of superiority complex, wounded pride, and childlike bafflement that so often follows the emotional whiplash of all the elders in your life suddenly and simultaneously going from praising you as an old soul wise beyond your years to lecturing you to grow up and act your age. The definition of a hidden gem, hopefully this film will amass enough fans someday to qualify for cult status.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
My review of THE INVITE. It’s a long one by Letterboxd standards, so if all you want is the customary droll one-liner, here it is: “I am Jack’s dilated anal sphincter.”
boxd.it
A ★★★ review of The Invite (2026)
“I am Jack’s dilated anal sphincter.” I don’t typically have much use, or much patience, for the word “pretentious” in the context of art. On top of being noncommittally vague, I find that what most p...
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
I just spent half an hour defending The Devil Wears Prada to my two female Gen Z coworkers and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
My review of TEENAGE SEX AND DEATH AT CAMP MIASMA. It's a long one by Letterboxd standards, so if you only want the customary droll one-liner, here it is: "Movies don't create perverts, movies make perverts more creative!"
letterboxd.com
A ★★★★ review of Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma (2026)
"Movies don't create perverts, movies make perverts more creative!" If I Saw the TV Glow was Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Are You Afraid of the Dark? as written and directed by a geeky, femme, mille...
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Characters in musicals:
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Slipping into something a little more comfortable (whatever accent my conversation partner has)
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
My review of TEENAGE SEX AND DEATH AT CAMP MIASMA. It's a long one by Letterboxd standards, so if you only want the customary droll one-liner, here it is: "Movies don't create perverts, movies make perverts more creative!"
letterboxd.com
A ★★★★ review of Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma (2026)
"Movies don't create perverts, movies make perverts more creative!" If I Saw the TV Glow was Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Are You Afraid of the Dark? as written and directed by a geeky, femme, mille...
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
I’m assembling a team.
The Beast from Disney’s The Beauty and the Beast glaring menacingly while recoiling behind his cloakA wood engraving by Fritz Eichenberg of Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights brooding against a treeA photorealistic painting by Alex Ross of Batman shielding himself with his cape from the glare of a police spotlightMad Men’s Don Draper sitting at a bar, drinking a glass of whiskey
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Well, which is it?
yahoo.com
Barely Breathing Singer Duncan Sheik Dead at 56
Duncan Sheik, the singer-songwriter best known for his hit “Barely Breathing,” has died at 56. The musician, who also found success in Broadway, was hospitalized earlier this week before his death in ...
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
People who say "y'all" are more likely to have voted for Trump. People who insist it's a perfectly legitimate word are more likely to understand how language works.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Breakfast Blend reading its name tag and smiling proudly, then reading Kona Blend’s and the smile falling from its face
Two carafes of coffee side by side, one labeled “BREAKFAST BLEND: Light & Sweet” and the other labeled “KONA BLEND: Light, Sweet & Delicious”
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Well, which is it?
yahoo.com
Barely Breathing Singer Duncan Sheik Dead at 56
Duncan Sheik, the singer-songwriter best known for his hit “Barely Breathing,” has died at 56. The musician, who also found success in Broadway, was hospitalized earlier this week before his death in ...
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
My coworker just gave me a brain aneurism by calling 101 Dalmatians “One Oh One Dalmatians”.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Deep down a lot of right-wingers don’t really believe or even understand what they claim to believe, so they assume we don’t either and we’re all just in a contest to see who can fake it most convincingly. If only we could make them understand we really know what we say we know, we might flip them.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
David Lynch's Mamma Mia!
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NosferaPru @prufrockluvsong.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
Chekov's gun? Um, I'm pretty sure he used a phaser.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
First they came for the immigrants And I said something Although I was not an immigrant Then they came for the trans And I said nothing Because they weren't coming for the trans quite as aggressively as they'd come for the immigrants yet
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
"Lars is anthropomorphizing the sex doll because it's so astonishingly good at processing human anatomy and sexuality."
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
(lou christie voice) baaaaaaad neewwwws striiiiiiiiiiking agaaaaaaiiiiinnnn (and again and again and again)
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
I ❤️ my nonbinary brothers and sisters. #ally
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
REPUBLICANS: All queers, Mexicans and Libtards should die, and all Jews except Israelis. DEMOCRATS: Obviously we would prefer we and our queer, Mexican and Jewish brothers and sisters live, but we hope our esteemed colleagues will join us in reaching across the aisle so we can all get what we want.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
If we reject every leadership quality as inherently fascistic, or patriarchal, or toxic, then guess what? We can't be effective leaders. If we brand dominance itself as inherently Conservative, then guess what? That makes Liberals the subs.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
This aversion to seeming hypocritical is why Liberals always lose. "We can't be fit because they're fit. We can't propagandize because they propagandize. We can't wield power when we have it because they wield power when they have it. We can't be intolerant of them because they're intolerant of us."
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
I prefer Uncaged Transfeminine Succubus's early work, before they went soft.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Getting my shit rocked by a stronger, faster fascist but wokely.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Tramp Stamp: My other body is a 10.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
An intellectually disabled regular always asks permission to eat at a table. I usually just grant it without explaining he need not ask. Last night I said, "I hereby grant you permission to eat there from henceforth until the end of time." He replied, "Oh, it'll probably just be until about 8:30."
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
Post a picture of you from another era
A swarthy young half-Jewish, half-Italian man wearing a bright red collared shirt, a green tweed jacket, and black slacks, his dark hair swept up and back and his lips and chin traced by a thin goatee inspired by Johnny Depp’s in The Pirates of the Caribbean, sits listlessly on the edge of a pillowy beige-and-gold bed in a warmly lit department store decorated for Christmas, gazing into the mid-distance: vampire private detective at 17
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Shmuck tape.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Think Reacher but he talks to ghosts. We call it Large Medium.
The Don Draper meme wherein Don, visibly drunk and uncharacteristically unkempt, stands gesturing before a blank whiteboard mid-pitch
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Abz-J-Harding ☾ @abzjharding.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
Finally, somebody brave enough to add some nuance to the characters of famously glib and unsophisticated observer of the human condition... *checks notes* ...Charles Dickens.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
Canceling Tarzan because he doesn’t use pronouns.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 30/08/2026
I like my women like I like my marijuana: I keep trying because the few positive experiences I've had were really great, but most of the time I just have a panic attack.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 30/08/2026
The leopards barely nibbled on his face. More of a love bite, really. Mere foreplay.
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 30/08/2026
For years.
static.klipy.com
Powder Movie Character's Emotional Gaze
Alt: Sean Patrick Flanery as alopecic albino Jeremy "Powder" Reed from the 1995 science-fiction drama "Powder" lifting his head to gaze mournfully up at his offscreen scene partner as a single man tear rolls down his cadaverous cheek
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vampire private detective @colindweir.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
"Talent" is just what we call taste when applied to our own art: the ability to distinguish good from bad. To reproduce the elements that distinguish good art from bad remains as much a matter of discipline for those with taste as for those without it.
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