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vampire pirate BOO-tective

@colindweir.bsky.social

266 followers 867 following 2.4K posts

Following the advice to just be myself as an act of malicious compliance. (he/him)

Posts Replies Media

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 9h

🤔❔

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 10h

A ★½ review of The Whale (2022)

From hell’s heart I lecture at thee An assault on the empathy centers of the brain, so grotesque at times that it would be comical if not for how viscerally upsetting it is. Is there any point to watc...

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 10h

A ★½ review of The Whale (2022)

From hell’s heart I lecture at thee An assault on the empathy centers of the brain, so grotesque at times that it would be comical if not for how viscerally upsetting it is. Is there any point to watc...

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 10h

Me: Hark, Asclepius! Bid thy insectile infantry infiltrate my body, occupy my brain, and expel the corrupting chemicals taken root in their stead e’en as the Almighty expelled His Adversary’s blasphemous battalions from His firmamental focus to His Plutonian periphery! Pharmacist: That’ll be $15.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 13h

Is a consequence (intended or not) of polyamory that your polycule or coterie of lovers or whatever just ends up functioning as your inner circle of friends to the point that sexual attractiveness becomes a de facto criterion for close friendship? Asking for a sexually unattractive friend.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 14h

ME: *goes on 20 minute rant about how no matter how much I soften myself it doesn’t seem to be enough for these people and if they still don’t like my tone then they can suck it up and vent about me later to the appropriate party* MY THERAPIST: Are you familiar with the trope of the angry comedian?

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I just lowered my Letterboxd rating of Oppenheimer half a star and raised that of Barbie half a star so now they’re both at 2. You’re welcome, feminists.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Also the term, coined by yours truly, "autoeroticism by proxy" which I foresee coming in handy in the future.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Also a William Butler Yeats reference in the same breath as the phrase "jailbroken sexbot tradwife".

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Is this anything?

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Daniel Day-Afternoon

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Dog Day Lewis

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Imagine if Dog Day Afternoon had starred Daniel Day-Lewis.

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Reposted by vampire pirate BOO-tective

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 02/05/2026

in australia their nipples turn the other direction it’s called the areolis effect send skeet

Reposted by vampire pirate BOO-tective

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 27/06/2026

When the furniture is so well-arranged it gives you an erection that’s called feng shuing.

Reposted by vampire pirate BOO-tective

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 14/07/2026

If gender is a performance, does that make gender dysphoria a form of performance anxiety?

Reposted by vampire pirate BOO-tective

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 26/07/2026

When you get a divorce and your life makes sense again that's called postnup clarity.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

When you elevate lying to an art you’re not a liar you’re a liericist.

Reposted by vampire pirate BOO-tective

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

My friend said cosmopolitans were made with almond liqueur. I said they're actually made with orange liqueur. She said I was being a cointreaurian.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Incidentally, this review contains possibly my densest, funniest, most phonetically pleasing, and most masterfully crafted run-on sentence to date. Or at least my longest.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

My review of SOULM8TE. It’s a long one by Letterboxd standards, so if you want just the customary droll one-liner, here it is: “I am woman, hear me whirr.”

A ★ review of Soulm8te (2026)

I am woman, hear me whirr I’d not heard of this one before coming across it on Hulu, and while watching I began to feel increasingly, preemptively self-congratulatory for the righteously flippant revi...

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

You call it spooning, I call it Tetrising.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

A 60-ish customer asked about my @themountaingoats.bsky.social shirt. After chatting a while he left and I told my coworker I love when old men show genuine curiosity about music young people are listening to. Then I remembered I'm about to turn 39. That was just two adult men having a conversation.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

When asked to comment, Saint Joseph quipped, “I would, but I’d be breaking the third commandment.” Yikes! Still, we can’t help but sympathize. The only thing worse than adding insult to injury is adding injury to injury—especially when that injury is being literally stoned to death for blasphemy.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

‘90s kids yearned for the monastery.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

“When did everything become so politicized?” -guy who just became politicized

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

If you think music has no meaning because it’s just sounds, then buddy, I have some bad news for you about words.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

*rips bong* word.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

A lady on TikTok just advised me to identify a celebrity with the same “charisma style” as me and study footage of them in order to learn how to “seem more natural”. Lady, I’ve been doing that my entire life, and the only thing it’s helped me seem is more autistic.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

“And what say you to those predicting you’ll trade her in for a newer model the minute she turns 25?” asked Baptist, drawing nervous laughter from the congregation. But the Almighty just chuckled and shook His head. “What is this, Ancient Greece?” saith the Lord. “Trust me, I’m a one-virgin deity.”

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

When asked whether He and Mary planned on carrying their recently announced pregnancy to term, the Almighty demured, “Don’t tell her this, but I’m actually planning on giving her an abortion. A very, very, very, very, very late-term abortion.”

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

“Let’s face it,” saith the Lord to Johnny Baptist during a recent theophany on The Tonight Show, “when you’re the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, it’s a little difficult to find a girlfriend who’s age-appropriate. Besides, she’s extremely mature for her age.”

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Yahweh and Mary, or Yahwary as their stans have christened them (pun intended), are the hot new celebrity couple hitting the damask carpet, but critics are saying the vibes aren’t so immaculate, declaring their age gap problematic—not to mention their “presence gap”, “science gap” and “potence gap”.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

New Testament lowkey the original age gap discourse.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Coming to Broadway next fall, an uproarious new musical comedy from the producers of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying... How to Perform Masculinity Without Admitting Gender is a Performance

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I'm all for whimsy, eccentricity, etc. but 9 times out of 10 someone walks through the door wearing a wizard hat or some shit they end up being a fucking problem.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

The little ones are often harder. The boys and men whose words or deeds seemed morally dubious to me were usually in every apparent way higher-functioning, more respectable and more social than I was, so I would defer to their instincts over mine lest I "make things weird" by being a "white knight".

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

"I never thought leopards would feed ME someone's face," sobs man who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Prisoners of war are brainwashed. This man simply believed the propaganda that vindicated his grievances, validated his identity, and absolved him of responsibility.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Is this the first documented instance of “I never thought the leopards would make ME eat someone’s face”?

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

As a cishet man who has never quite fit in amongst other cishet men, I have thankfully (and to the extent of my knowledge) been spared that particular test of my integrity, but I can certainly recall a time I might have been too passive/insecure/equivocating/polite/whatever to pass it.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Sitting idly by is hearing a rumor something like that is happening at a nearby frat you're unaffiliated with and doing nothing. Learning of it from the perpetrators themselves in a private chat because they consider you likeminded enough and/or bro enough to do nothing is fucking conspiracy.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Ravioli are the zygotes.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Might as well Multiple Miggs it at 'em.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Sean Connery as Jim Malone in the 1987 American true crime film “The Untouchables” telling his wet-behind-the-ears boy scout of a protege Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner) “That’s the Chicago way!”

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Also the score keeps blatantly ripping off this piece and I can’t find any acknowledgement of it anywhere:

Pärt: Fratres (Transc. Osokins for Piano)

YouTube video by Georgijs Osokins - Topic

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

I think around episode 4 or 5.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

One of the best bad shows I’ve ever seen.

vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

That's right, while all you "woke" leftists were whining about racist sneakers and sexist golf clubs, one man had the courage, the compassion, and the integrity to stand up for the single most discriminated against demographic in this anthropocentric cesspool of a society: chatbots.

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vampire pirate BOO-tective @colindweir.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

To be clear, I’m anti-AI. I’m just also anti-most people.

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