Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 01/10/2026can’t believe i had to learn all about the parts of a cell when they could have been teaching us what the little laundry symbols on tags mean 0463
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 29/09/2026me trying to remember my parents birthdays: me trying to remember the tagline for the 2011 nbc sitcom whitney: HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES END IN SWEATPANTS 1470
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 27/09/202620th century tech: we have invented a solution to a common problem 21st century tech: we have invented a problem 211516
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 20/09/2026*pitching the mighty ducks* we want to grab the kids attention right away, so we’ll open with an attorney who loves drunk driving 09010
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 15/09/2026me when frasier goes to a ski lodge with his brother, dad, daphne, and daphne's girlfriend, and there's a gay skiing instructor who thinks niles likes him, but actually the girlfriend likes niles, but frasier likes the girlfriend, and niles likes daphne, but daphne likes the skiing instructor, and m 51288
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 12/09/2026going back in time to 2017 so i can tweet this with "when she reince on my priebus til i covfefe" and get 135k likes 01128
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 10/09/2026me, building The Death Machine: i’m worried this machine is going to kill us all you: oh my god you need to- me: well, i better get back to building The Death Machine 26312
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 10/09/2026the most unrealistic part of a book about dogs driving cars 120
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 10/09/2026reading go dog go to my kid to teach him about negging 3831
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 03/09/2026dont lie to me, linkedin. we both know i am not on a roll on linkedin 1817
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 08/08/2026one night a year when i can have sex? is this a movie or MY MARRIAGE?? *nobody in the theater laughs and i realize i am in a screening of minions and monsters* 11032
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 08/08/2026yeah he does such a good job on your ad reads, I think he’s earned it 110
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 07/08/2026no that’s fair and we love watching you silently flip through the rule book 140
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 07/08/2026podcasts really are the perfect medium if you like hearing people ask if they’re allowed to curse 11135
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 07/08/2026wife: they're building a data center next door me: data center? *i smile serenely, imagining my favorite star trek android defending the rim as my tap water begins to run a sludgy brown* 0632
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 05/08/2026My name is Peter Parker. You don't remember me but we used to know each other. Something bad was gonna happen and the only way to stop it was to make everyone forget about me. It wasnt that I shit my pants while I was swinging around. If someone tells you that they’re lying, it was a different thing 1674
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 05/08/2026i know votes are still being counted but the more i look at this michigan senate map the more it becomes clear that it kind of looks like a mitten 685147533
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 04/08/2026static.klipy.comMark Cuban Taking Notes on Shark TankALT: Mark Cuban Taking Notes on Shark Tank 030
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 04/08/2026me: the simpsons have four fingers on each hand so you’d think they’d live in a base 8 society but as far as I can tell there’s no evidence of that in the show my wife: *screaming during labor* the obgyn: hold on i want to hear more about this 8972162
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 24/07/2026Wow sources close to LeBron say he signed with Philadelphia to “record a split EP with Kurt Vile” and that the 4x NBA champion has “always been drawn to [his] circular lo-fi riffs” and “laid back vocals” 0554
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 21/07/2026news: thousands sick after eating contaminated iceberg lettuce captain of the titanic: OH I GUESS ITS NOT SO EASY TO SPOT A DANGEROUS ICEBERG NOW IS IT 114222
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 19/07/2026cruise (maintaining intense eye contact and leaning forward to perform active listening): cookies? that’s fantastic, wow 192095269
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 19/07/2026before cameras they used to sculpt your face for your imdb profile picture 3796
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 17/07/2026odyssey this, odyssey that. some of you fellas odda see a dang therapist 191703313
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 17/07/2026ME: basically i’m on the computer all day and i’m not allowed to eat lettuce even if i wanted to 10 YEAR OLD ME: that sounds incredible ME: well not really 048765
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 16/07/2026my kid asked if he’s punching the whale out of the water 1339239
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 15/07/2026GOD: and there shall be a profession known as LIFEGUARD ANGEL: to whom will we give this great responsibility of guarding lives? GOD: teenagers ANGEL: ah...so they have their entire lives to devote to it GOD: no just like part time for a summer 213620
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 14/07/2026my wife always wants me to eat more vegetables. especially since they started carrying the diarrhea parasite 523429
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 13/07/2026the most effective horror films prey on our collective fear of something really scary happening 314025
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 10/07/2026me trying to remember the name of my wife’s close relative: uhh me trying to remember the name of a first baseman who played for both the arizona diamondbacks and the oakland athletics: erubiel durazo 5730
Reposted by Ben RosenPaul F. Tompkins @pftompkins.bsky.social · 08/07/2026I’ve thought about this tweet so often I had to go look it up 12702198
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 08/07/2026the odyssey? buddy you odda see what I did with your mom last night 312716
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 07/07/2026mcconnell returning after weeks with a gigantic BBL 151048180
Reposted by Ben Rosendanielle weisberg @danielleweisberg.bsky.social · 28/06/2026there are still some tickets left for my show in person and if you’re not around, there are live stream tickets avail!! You can watch the live stream for up to 7 days after the show at your leisure. Wow. Great deal. ucbcomedy.com/show/one-nig... 1205
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 27/06/2026sorcerer remake about transferring my sleeping baby from the car to his crib 4752
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 14/06/2026"the point guard" looks nice and the whole team seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meat balls! 0664
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 14/06/2026they're setting up a stage midcourt so josh and benny safdie can reunite 1443
Ben Rosen @benrosen.bsky.social · 13/06/2026emily blunt and josh o'connor will return in datclosure day 1502
