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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 03/09/2026

We cannot stress how good an idea this is. Betting is the ultimate evolution of the game.

Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 30/08/2026

Have you considered enrolling in any of our seminars? You seem to be starting your journey into our ethos. The first one is free.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 19/07/2026

Statistically speaking this is the greatest halftime show ever... ...no, even we cannot make this joke. It may be the most tragic halftime show ever, though.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 02/07/2026

Based on this groundbreaking analysis we predict Canada will beat Morocco.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 01/07/2026

We can neither confirm nor deny we advised on strategy against Turkey.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 12/06/2026

False. They are sports bras. FIFA's policy is to prevent doping by inducing gynomastia.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 01/06/2026

Our takes, however, are as cold as ice. We're willing to sacrifice your love. You never take our advice. Someday you will pay the price, we know.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 25/05/2026

This is incorrect. No MLS game has ever finished more than 4-3.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 24/05/2026

YOU TAKE THAT BACK. HE IS A MARVEL.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 11/04/2026

After anaylzing roughly 247,842 minutes of MLS play since 2021, we can confidently state: Austin FC are more ass than exists in a Cardi B music video.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 20/03/2026

99.92% of all professional soccer players have kicked a ball during a competitive match. The remaining 0.08% are crypto-players who only exist to provide FFP asset value.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 22/02/2026

Dammit, Austin. You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy conventional analytics, not join perpetuate it! Bring balance to the stats, not cling to them like lemmings! www.teamworkonline.com/soccer-jobs/...

teamworkonline.com

Director of Soccer Analytics & Intelligence - Austin FC

Austin FC joined Major League Soccer (MLS) as the League’s 27th club in January 2019. Austin FC officially began competing in MLS in April 2021, and in the 2025 season qualified for the MLS Cup Playo...

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 03/11/2025

Our model says Austin will 100% win, most likely 5-2.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 03/11/2025

FINALLY NICO ESTEVEZ LISTENS TO OUR ADVICE

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 01/11/2025

You clearly do not, as you keep ignoring our emails.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 23/10/2025

We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 24/09/2025

Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 16/09/2025

It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron. We regret the error. In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain. prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...

prostinternational.com

“Nobody loves him & he forgets that we have family & are people”, Former players open up about their time under Caleb Porter

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 15/09/2025

While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen. youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...

youtube.com

Pele The King of Soccer and Crestfield Wax Paper Kitchen Tips & Tricks

YouTube video by Bump Enterprise

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 31/08/2025

This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 17/08/2025

Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 07/08/2025

We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable. Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 05/08/2025

The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team. In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 04/08/2025

Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion: Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 04/08/2025

Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 27/07/2025

Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision. #mls

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 26/07/2025

On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 23/07/2025

We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge. We helped most of the players shoot well under par.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 21/07/2025

You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing. ...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.

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Reposted by Bad Soccer Stats

Trent “Legacy” Valor @smallmktminded.bsky.social · 21/07/2025

I’m not here to run a soccer club. I’m here to weaponize nostalgia. The brand? Vintage. The vision? Vague. The business plan? Behind a paywall. #CaribouRising

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 21/07/2025

We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 18/07/2025

We saw him at Frost Bank converting Dollars into Pounds Sterling, and asking how to pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll".

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Reposted by Bad Soccer Stats

Sickos Committee @sickoscommittee.org · 05/07/2025

Our thoughts go out to all those affected by the flooding in the Texas Hill Country.

ATHLETICS
UTSA Athletics @UTSAAthletics • 55m
Our thoughts are with all the families and communities who are affected by the devastating flooding throughout Central Texas
#BirdsUp
#LetsGo210

TXST
Texas State University
@TXST
Now is a time for all Texans to come together in support of our communities, neighbors, and the families who have been affected. Our thoughts are also with the first responders who continue their tireless efforts in search and recovery operations.
On behalf of the entire TXST community, we extend our heartfelt condolences to the families and loved ones of the victims.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 05/07/2025

As of July 1st, this is the strength of schedule analysis through the end of the 2025 MLS season. Negative Z-Score means easier schedule. On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes. docs.google.com/spreadsheets...

docs.google.com

Austin FC Strength of Schedule

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 23/06/2025

We are trying to determine if recently divorced soccer players have an xWife of 0 or 1. Responses on a postcard.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 26/05/2025

Disco is dead. Eurobeat must decide his fate. Put pressure on them to Intensify.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 09/05/2025

It is unsurprising that Pope Leo XIV is a Romanista given the teams in the cities where he lived: Chicago Fire - MLS CF Trujillo - 4th/5th division Peru Club Juan Aurich - 3rd division Peru Lazio - Rome Or: Roma - Rome He has truly suffered throughout his career, befitting an Augustinian.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

@sickoscommittee.org we are serving hot Papal facts faster than reactonaries are tweeting condemnation.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

It is possible that, at 13 years of age, Pope Leo XIV suffered through the 1968 Chicago Mustangs only year of existence in NASL. This may be a factor in his becoming an Augustinian, as he may have felt a calling to silence and seclusion to heal the psychic scars.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

Pope Leo XIV will allow MLS teams to tithe GAM.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

We have it on good authority that the Vatican City Men's National Football Team will be rebranded as Soccer Team within Pope Leo XIV's first 100 days. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vatican...

en.m.wikipedia.org

Vatican City national football team - Wikipedia

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

Vatican Assisted Replay is just the Conclave. He was found to be Pope by clear and obvious evidence.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

Pope Leo XIV has a degree in mathematics. We look forward to @americansocceranalysis.com assisting with PapalAnalysis.com, originating new metrics like: xFaithful, Souls+, Progressive Encyclicals, and more.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

With Pope Leo XIV being from Chicago, we trust the Fire will get a free exorcism yearly.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

We have calculated the all-time MLS No Pope Table. Vancouver are apparently Godless heathens at 12 points, 5 GD topping the table. Austin are apparently devout Catholics, at 0 points, -5 GD. Chicago Fire are apparently Episcopalian, at 1 point, but -10 GD. docs.google.com/spreadsheets...

docs.google.com

All-Time No Pope MLS Table

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

Update: they must have elected a Pope in a late night vote.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

Update: Austin would take an Antipope and a theological schism at this point.

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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 08/05/2025

Austin FC are 0-0-2 all time without a sitting Pope.

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