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Bad Soccer Stats

@badsoccerstats.com
188 followers 51 following 402 posts

Per the name, these are bad, completely made up, soccer stats (unless otherwise noted). Do not rely on them for anything other than a sensible chuckle.

PostsRepliesMedia
Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 02/07/2026
Based on this groundbreaking analysis we predict Canada will beat Morocco.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 01/11/2025
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 23/10/2025
We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 05/05/2025
We cannot stress enough, literally cannot, how perfect this statline is. This is Total Football. The Beautiful Game has peaked.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 05/02/2025
RAM is a concept whose time has come.
A picture of Ram Man from the 1980s He-Man animated series.  It is captioned "Finally Ram Man's time has come!"
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 03/02/2025
We have been working on advising Houston on this deal for weeks. He is, by all measurable metrics, the best possible hire they could have made.
A post from Glenn Davis breaking the news that former AustinFC head coach Josh Wolff will join the staff at the Houston Dynamo.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 31/01/2025
We come loaded for bear.
A green and black, vertically striped, Nike soccer jersey with Pflugerville FC as the crest, and RTIC as the chest sponsor.  It is a direct parody of Austin FC's kit and sponsor.The back of a green soccer jersey with DIRUSSI 8 on the back, as a parody of former Austin FC player Sebastian Driussi.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 22/01/2025
In honor of our first appearance in public at a real conference, we now have shirts.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 18/01/2025
They're missing his astrological issues, but the commentor is mostly correct.
A graphic of Wayne Rooney's abysmal coaching record, a question asking "why is he failing as a manager", and the response "because he's not very good at it"
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 13/01/2025
In "A River Runs Through It", Norman Maclean opines that "The world is full of b*st*rds, the number increasing rapidly the further one gets from Missoula, Montana." We tested this postulate against Opta's top 20 club teams and it correlates quite heavily.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 09/01/2025
For the top 50 soccer leagues in the world: This is the Average Soccer Player Height (Measured In Standard Handgun Length) per Number of Civilian Firearms per capita. (These are actually real numbers)
A bar chart in log scale showing Average Soccer Player Height (Measured in Standard Handgun Length) per Number of Civilian Firearms per capita.  It covers the top 50 leagues in the world.  It is valid data, but nonsensical and useless for any actual purpose.  This is why we are not actually typing the numbers in the chart into this alt text.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 04/01/2025
Would you say you have
A green hat with "legit concerns" written on it.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 04/01/2025
We suggest you wear this hat whenever consuming our data.
A green hat reading "legit concerns"
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 04/01/2025
If animations of EFL Point Totals By Team Nickname Category By Year, 1888-2021, isn't your thing, have two static views which are equally useful. One with points by season, one with total points over seasons.
A useless graph of the number of points scored in each season by EFL Teams grouped by nickname, from 1888 - 2021.A useless graph of the total number of points scored aggregated by season by EFL Teams, grouped by nickname, from 1888 - 2021.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 04/01/2025
English Football League Points per Nickname Category shown year-by-year from 1888 to 2021. This is real, but utterly useless, so we feel it's a BadSoccerStat.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 20/12/2024
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 19/12/2024
This holiday season, give the MLS sicko in your life the ultimate gift - the scent of GAM. It smells like a cross between imaginary money and Don Garber on a crisp fall day. Order now to receive it by Christmas.
A picture of a fake candle with the label GAM on it.  It emits scent waves of money and soccer.  GAM is General Allocation Money, a weird monetary concept in MLS' salary cap structure.
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 18/12/2024
An "in this house" sign which says:

In this house, we believe
GAM is real money
TAM is real money
All teams have equal money
Don Garber is a visionary
DPs are overrated
The Superdraft is everything
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 18/12/2024
We have discovered a new statistical concept - Linear Aggression
An incorrect version of the linear regression equation, called linear aggression
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 17/12/2024
In this house sign, saying

In this house we believe:
Backpasses matter
Duels should be won
Pass completion is pass quality
Finishing is real
Short corners are best corners
Coaching is everything
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 03/12/2024
This play, in Alania Vladikavkaz vs. FC Baltika Kaliningrad from the Russian First Division, likely on 11/29, is the brainchild of Gianni Infantino after watching Ted Lasso. He calls it "supporting the host country".
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Bad Soccer Stats @badsoccerstats.com · 27/11/2024
Correlation of Distance Passed In Yards Per Player with Number Of Minutes Player Was Observed In A Vape Shop in the 2023-2024 English Premier League season.
A totally unusable and impenetrable graph of a made up soccer statistic.A graph alleging to show each EPL team's passing distance per minute of its players being observed in vape shops.
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