Reposted by Ariel EliasBrent Terhune @brentterhune.bsky.social · 20hMAGA is about to lose his farm 3141179264
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 15hDoing an escape rooms is the most fun way to learn you're a dumb fucking idiot 1120
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 29/09/2026I got a comment on one of my stand-up clips that was like, I can tell you don't take care of yourself from your body, and it's like, dude, that's so stupid, you can tell I don't take care of myself from my stand-up. 0141
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Keep your ozempic, I'll be over here hauling materials to prepare for winter. 5170
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 28/09/2026Multiple men I did not know complimented my umbrella tonight, to the point where I'm like wait are my tits trash 1130
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 26/09/2026There was a line dancing event in Bryant Park and I heard someone say "only in New York" and I was like, no actually almost exclusively not in New York. 0120
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 26/09/2026My mom keeps trying to get me to watch Outlander, and I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to get horny from whatever it is that gets her horny. 1280
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 25/09/2026In terms of body types, women's tennis is more inclusive than a Dove commercial in the early 2000s. 0121
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 23/09/2026A 90-year-old Japanese man won a bodybuilding competition this week. When asked how he did it, he said, “Well we started with a hip replacement and built out from there.” 070
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 23/09/2026Got bored while looking at Instagram so I closed it and then opened up Instagram. 0160
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 19/09/2026Seeing these videos of Mitch McConnell is the first time I’ve ever thought, hmm maybe we don’t want the same healthcare that Congress gets 1181
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 17/09/2026One thing I learned from writing a joke every day for a year is that it's ok to not write a joke every day. 1200
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16/09/2026Jews don't believe in hell, but I wish we did because Christians make it sound so great. Warm year round and filled with the gays and Jews? It's like if Florida wasn't humid. 0170
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 16/09/2026I stopped telling this joke, but Kash Patel says it's ok now. Thank you for accepting me. 2141
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 15/09/2026Mitch McConnell looks like he just found out Mitch McConnell is alive. 1130
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 14/09/2026You watch one video of a woman who pooped herself during a competition and suddenly the whole algorithm is ruined 1120
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 14/09/2026I truly can't imagine how difficult it must be like for the women who dated Zverev. At least my abusive ex-boyfriend had the decency to never become successful. 0142
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 13/09/2026I made these. Happy new year. This is the closest you'll get to seeing my nudes 2360
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 13/09/2026No greater gap than the one between how hard I rooted against Rybakina in the semi-finals versus how hard I rooted for her in the finals. 050
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 11/09/2026Lshana tovah. Happy new year. I actually did just get my period, which is how I remembered to post this. 0101
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 10/09/2026Nothing makes me feel awake quite like lying down at night and closing my eyes. 0170
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 08/09/2026If you can't remember a professional tennis player's first name, just call them Alex. Man or woman, odds are in your favor. 170
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 08/09/2026When it comes to Mitch McConnell, I think we can all agree... 0102
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 08/09/2026Spirit Airlines should operate like Spirit Halloween and come back every October. See if we can be convinced to spend money and feel scared. 1274
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026The fact that I can't drink while lying down is my body's most fundamental misunderstanding of who I am. 1141
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026That guy who got duct taped to his seat was flying lost his business class 060
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life (because by the time you're good enough to monetize it, the industry will have completely changed or disappeared). 0391
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life (because you will be fully unemployable) 0140
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026Unfortunately I deeply identify with Donald Trump, as someone who has also changed my hair thinking this will fix everything 0140
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 04/09/2026Most of my writing process is writing about how I should be writing more. 070
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 03/09/2026I love exploring other neighborhoods in NYC that I wouldn't normally go to and seeing how different their Just Salads are from our Just Salads. 060
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 03/09/2026So annoying that these professional athletes are playing tennis while I'm trying to make a video 050
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 30/08/2026The German Nazis collaborated with Volkswagen and ended up with those cute little VW beatles, meanwhile ours collaborated with Tesla and all we got was that fuckass cyber truck. 0303
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 30/08/2026It's crazy to think I'm old enough to remember when fruits and vegetables were not only affordable, but they also didn't make you shit your pants for a month. 0140
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 25/08/2026Enes Kanter is just one more dildo the WNBA has to deal with 0271
Reposted by Ariel EliasMike Drucker @mikedrucker.bsky.social · 25/08/2026Dolly Parton dying hits so hard. She felt like one of those figures who always was and always will be. She felt like America when it was trying to be the place it promised to be. As beloved as her music is, it’s even better than people give it credit for. There won’t be another one like her. 162081318
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 23/08/2026The Cincinnati airport is in Kentucky the way Mitch McConnell is alive. Like yeah, I guess technically, but nobody thinks of it that way. 0130
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 21/08/2026Mitch McConnell has to be the first guy to ghost everyone both literally and metaphorically 1110
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 21/08/2026Reading those Natalie Harp notes makes me think that generation is actually not illiterate enough. 070
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 21/08/2026A flock is just one camera. A litter is many cameras cut down. 090
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 20/08/2026I'm reading a few comedy memoirs and the biggest lesson I've learned is don't mention any famous men as your dear friends, because several of them will not age well. 1170
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 20/08/2026So it's either GLP1s or all the food has glass and salmonella. Can't a thick girl just stay thick? 0130
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 20/08/2026Grocery shopping is like jazz. It's about the foods you DON'T buy because of diarrhea. 180
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 19/08/2026Me getting negative comments: don't respond to trolls Me getting negative comments in Spanish: ooooo a chance to practice my vocabulary 0150
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 19/08/2026After posting about getting my Spanish citizenship, I immediately got comments accusing me of not speaking the language and telling me Jews should be expelled. I know they're trying to be mean, but it actually feels very welcoming how they're talking to me using American rhetoric. 0111
Ariel Elias @arielcomedy.bsky.social · 18/08/2026Men will get the power of invisibility and start spying on people in locker rooms. Women will get the power of invisibility and be like, oh cool I guess I'm 40 1172
