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Arends

@aarendsvark.bsky.social
145 followers 137 following 258 posts

Broaching new frontiers in time wasting I’m a Midwest transplant to Seattle. I work for a non-profit law office, play ultimate a bunch, and am much more of a stereotypical dad than I’m comfortable with.

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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
When transferring rice from a 5 lb bag to a jar, even a 99% success is a huge mess.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
The part of parenting no one can really prepare you for is how much toothpaste will be all over the sink.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Learning that “Madeline” was published in 1939 makes Miss Clavel’s frequent premonitions that something is not right quite a bit darker.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
When I order a caesar salad I don’t just want a few pieces of romaine swamped in a sea of shaved parmesan and oily croutons. I also want a pint of anchovy laden dressing.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Watching the “It's Raining, It's Pouring!" episode of Snoopy now and wondering, a decade later, if you could make this special today?
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Learning that there is already a Julius Caesar knife block makes me think I don’t have what it takes to crack into Skymall for Classics Majors.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Scruff McGruff was demoted to the marine unit after embarrassing his superiors in major crimes.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Sorry kids, I don’t make the rules - only I am allowed to eat raw cookie dough.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
It’s hard to watch some of the older cartoons knowing how many of the characters in them had to live with traumatic brain injuries for my amusement.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
I like to imagine every zoo animal is serving a life sentence for murder-for-hire.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 26/07/2026
My spouse asked when I would get to Seattle Center and this was my response. I’m helpful like that.
Dr Manhattan waiting for the bus.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
I leave for the weekend and find that in the absence of my strong, masculine presence, the house is a complete disaster: toothpaste squeezed from the bottom of the tube and silverware not organized in an aesthetically pleasing fashion.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 01/05/2026
I am glad Jaden McDaniels doesn’t stop me from trying to do my job. …I mean, beyond watching highlight reels of him playing defense while on the clock.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 22/03/2026
Every trip taken in Busytown sees multiple vehicle crashes, often involving tanker trucks full of jam. Mr. Frumble has probably totaled a dozen cars. Officer Murphy is constantly fishing Bananas Gorilla out of a canal. What are we teaching our children?
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
There was a small fire in the toaster oven this morning as a bit of Welsh rarebit had fallen onto the element. My kids frozen waffles tasted unbelievably good from the smoke.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 07/03/2026
Guess who has two thumbs and just decided to teach himself how to repair snowblowers?
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
When I hear that a kid is going to a Montessori preschool, I always imagine toddlers with tonsures brewing beer and illuminating Richard Scarry manuscripts.
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The Needling @theneedling.com · 25/02/2026
Washington Considers Billionaire Axe: tinyurl.com/yz6y79dv
Thick rusty axe sitting cut into a wood block in front of a pole waving the flags for the United States and state of Washington.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
Definitely feeling like a cool guy after sending my second text with a screenshot of a physical newspaper page included.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 13/02/2026
Not as many figure skaters setting their routine to Tom Waits as I’d like to see.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
The lime bike unlock sound is the same jingle as the new customer entering alert Chili’s Deli and Mart used to have, so every time someone rents a scooter my mouth starts watering.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 06/02/2026
Trying to explain to my spouse that April O’Neil is not in a sexual relationship with any of the turtles and that there’s a perfectly reasonably explanation for why she’s always hanging out with them.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 31/01/2026
Despite a broad scientific consensus, there are still not feathered Dino Nuggets.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 16/01/2026
Bringing home a donut box and then producing a bunch of carrots from it is a fun thing you can do as a parent whose children hate him.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 17/12/2025
I’m happy to see Jordan Clarkson on a team that’s trying to win, but I can’t appreciate his play when his headband looks to be covering his eyes.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 09/11/2025
I know I shouldn’t be petty, but it brings me joy when the dishwasher can’t get the colander clean either.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 08/11/2025
I’m not sure to what extent the food scientists behind nerds gummy clusters knew they were making something that looks like technicolor litter encrusted cat turds, but they nailed it.
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David_j_roth @davidjroth.bsky.social · 27/10/2025
Heartened by the return of one of the classic Trump bits, which is when he sways faintly and says "I'd like to see low IQ [person of color he saw on TV] try to pass the test that's regularly administered to me by medical professionals, the famous unbeatable Test To Determine Extent Of Brain Trauma,"
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 23/10/2025
I like to think of myself as fixed in determination, but I know that in my darkest of hearts, I would eat a 24 pack of Arby’s steak nuggets if ever they were before me.
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Ryan Packer @typewriteralley.bsky.social · 15/10/2025
There was a remarkable moment in the budget committee just now where Sara Nelson asked about how arts funding is used for graffiti, as shown in this slide. City staff outright admitted this is just the dedicated admissions tax that funds the Arts and Culture dept being diverted for graffiti.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 14/10/2025
I love coleslaw on a sandwich, but it does reduce the distance I can travel before eating it down to about 12 feet.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 09/10/2025
I’m not laughing - this guy can’t even buffoon right.
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David_j_roth @davidjroth.bsky.social · 30/09/2025
I'm just leaving this open and playing audio in a separate browser tab. At some point MF Doom is going to start rapping over it.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 21/09/2025
One of the problems with losing your partners trust is that you’re less likely to be believed even when there’s a perfectly good explanation for why the house smells like mackerel.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 04/07/2025
Consumed with questions about the 70s shark cartoon “Misterjaw,” which appears to have been animated before a live studio audience.
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The Needling @theneedling.com · 03/07/2025
Childless Couple Asked to Leave Columbia City Farmers Market: tinyurl.com/26j6ad6r
Woman pointing for happy couple at farmers market to go away while families walk the market in the background
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 25/05/2025
How often do we think at least one of the Enterprise’s brigs was occupied by a crew member who’d gone hog wild in the holodeck?
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 15/05/2025
One cheese pizza - basic Two cheese pizza - good Three cheese pizza - great Four cheese pizza - can you tell? Five cheese pizza - stop Six cheese pizza - it’s collapsing Seven cheese pizza - welcome to Wisconsin.
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David_j_roth @davidjroth.bsky.social · 08/05/2025
This is about John Fetterman, and true, but it's funny that seeing it out of context on the timeline I first assumed it was about Draymond Green and then was like "Draymond Green is not that tall."
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 08/05/2025
Worried I’m not creative enough to ever make the Wikipedia list of inventors killed by their own invention.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 04/05/2025
“I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very nice,“ I say as I continue eating leftover taco meat while my family cries and begs me to stop.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 30/04/2025
Happy to be the bigger man and admit that mic’ing the rims was a good decision.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 25/04/2025
If you’re going to put out a sandwich board advertising “Full Contact Brazilian Ju Jitsu Classes”you may not want to abbreviate the name of the activity lest someone erase a J.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 21/04/2025
A thing I think the kids today are missing out on is infomercials. They have to learn how to hate a product and its spokespeople over 20 seconds instead of a full half hour
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 18/04/2025
I’m grateful that after all these years, I’m still capable of wonder. Like about how good hot pepper relish is on a mortadella sandwich.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 08/03/2025
A frustration with the enshitification of google is that I can no longer find the answer to important questions like “How many people are killed each year diving into a pool where someone has suddenly drained all the water?
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Seattle Bike Blog @seattlebikeblog.com · 21/02/2025
Stumbled across this metaphor while walking around Vancouver BC.
A road sign reading “take the lane” that is bent and broken next to a street.
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Dime @dimeuproxx.bsky.social · 16/02/2025
Wemby and Chris Paul thought they could outsmart the Skills Challenge rules and they got disqualified for it:
uproxx.com
CP3 And Wemby Got DQ’d From The Skills Challenge For Purposeful Misses
CP3 and Wemby tried to find a loophole in the rules but got DQ’d instead for purposefully missing their shots in the Skills Challenge.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 14/02/2025
Going to cartoon happy hour and finding out they’re playing a full Wallace and Gromit short is easily the best news I’ve gotten this week. Note to self: stop following the disintegration of our nation and the timberwolves so closely.
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Arends @aarendsvark.bsky.social · 10/02/2025
Is there a sequel to “Caps For Sale” where the peddler is chased out of town for giving his customers monkey lice?
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