CALGARY - In the wake of Ukraine's successful drone strikes on Russia's Yandex data centres, which have allegedly caused bot activity to plummet across the web, the entirety of pro-Alberta Separation ...

OTTAWA - Canadians nationwide are gathering with friends and family to give thanks for the harvest or a historical St. Lawrence voyage or whatever.

QUEBEC CITY - Quebec Premier-designate Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says he’ll be updating his list of problem minorities after networks declared The Parti Québécois will form government with the support ...

CLARKSVILLE, TN - During a midterm campaign rally, U.S. President Donald Trump thrilled his supporters by ordering them, as well as every other American, to personally mail $20 to Russian President Vl...

BRANDON, MA – As his family prepared for this weekend’s thanksgiving festivities local man Stephen Island realized that he had left the pan they use to cook the turkey every year sitting in a pool of ...

"Susan from down the street brought me welcome cookies at my Victory Is Nigh speech last night, so I think I’m off to a great start.”

QUEEN'S PARK - Ontario Premier Doug Ford has promised that despite the ongoing economic uncertainty in the province, which he constantly exacerbates by responding to US President Donald Trump’s barbs,...

WASHINGTON D.C. - Addressing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth carefully laid out a variety of options for which brand would sponsor his upcoming livestreamed public execution.

EDMONTON — Local historians say a quaint suburban playground from the early 1980s is responsible for more deaths than infamous American serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer.

Get more from The Beaverton on Patreon. Become a member for just CA$4/month. The Beaverton is Canada's most trusted, least accurate news source. Since…

WASHINGTON D.C. - Following the announcement of Canadian poet Anne Carson as this year's Nobel Prize in Literature recipient, President Donald Trump unleashed an online tirade insisting he was more de...

TORONTO – Election day in Toronto is fast approaching, and polls continue to show Mayor Olivia Chow with a lead over challenger Brad Bradford. So, in a desperate effort to court the bland, middle-aged...

NEW YORK - With a recall issued for Taylor Farms lettuce in the wake of a cyclospora outbreak, several new betting lines have opened up in the online predictions market Polymarket as to which line of ...

The Beaverton Weekly Report · Episode

Get the gang together, join hands and light a candle to see what Canada's 10th Prime Minister and his Irish Terriers have gotten up to in the afterlife. • Soy wax • Cotton wick • 3.76″ × 3.13″ (95 × 7...

QUEBEC CITY - Quebec Premier-designate Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says he’ll be updating his list of problem minorities after networks declared The Parti Québécois will form government with the support ...

OTTAWA — Pierre Poilievre’s inner circle is at loggerheads over when to release his diss track targeting Prime Minister Mark Carney. Titled “Miss the Mark,” Poilievre said that the track, while pointe...

WASHINGTON D.C. - Trump Administration trade advisor Peter Navarro is accusing Canada of interfering in the upcoming U.S. midterm elections, unfairly distracting from American efforts to interfere in ...

Panama Canal, NY - The Trump administration has begun a international search for another large trade route to completely fuck up after successfully fucking up both the strait of Hormuz and Gordie Howe...

"Canadians will say they’re sorry, in that particular Canadian pronunciation, to literally anything, but they won’t say it to Donald Trump."

"Canadians will say they’re sorry, in that particular Canadian pronunciation, to literally anything, but they won’t say it to Donald Trump."

Vancouver, BC – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced more than one billion dollars in federal funding to keep the ocean safe from the consequences of his own actions.

ITHICA, NY – As punishment for drugging and gang-raping a young woman for over seven hours in 2024, Cornell University has assigned the seven known perpetrators to generate essays using ChatGPT.

OAKVILLE, ON - Heralding its new offerings as the culmination of nine years of intense laboratory research, Tim Hortons president Axel Schwan proudly announced that the franchise’s new lineup of pizza...

"Canadians will say they’re sorry, in that particular Canadian pronunciation, to literally anything, but they won’t say it to Donald Trump."

ITHICA, NY – As punishment for drugging and gang-raping a young woman for over seven hours in 2024, Cornell University has assigned the seven known perpetrators to generate essays using ChatGPT.

The Beaverton Weekly Report · Episode

VICTORIA, BC - After capitalizing on the disarray of the opposition Conservative party and calling a snap election, David Eby finds himself trailing in the polls to a leader to be determined at a late...

Mountain View, CA—Astronomers at the SETI Institute have confirmed that a radio signal originated from an advanced alien civilization, but was intended for a different planet behind Earth.

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND - Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on their own abili...

BRANDON, MB - 4-year-old Mikaela Hermer's imaginary restaurant, in which she served invisible hot dogs and ice cream to her parents and friends, has filed for bankruptcy after being acquired by Hedges...

CALGARY - With the Alberta Separatism referendum fast approaching, pro-separatist groups have launched a new campaign to entice investment dollars to their chaotic barely-planned idea for a country.

Disney Plus, CA - A local night out has soured after marvel fan Dan Lee has found out you plan to watch Avengers: Doomsday without first consuming 16,000 hours of marvel content.

MENLO PARK, CA — As Meta’s totally cool, definitely-not-creepy smart glasses become more popular with tech bros and straight-up pervs, the tech company is reportedly baffled as to why their glasses wh...

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran.

Mountain View, CA—Astronomers at the SETI Institute have confirmed that a radio signal originated from an advanced alien civilization, but was intended for a different planet behind Earth.

VICTORIA, BC - After capitalizing on the disarray of the opposition Conservative party and calling a snap election, David Eby finds himself trailing in the polls to a leader to be determined at a late...

“It was Implied!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and special guest Jocelyn Geddie) talk about Carney using the Trade War to govern even further to the right than Harper, Trump’s anger over Canada’s...

The Alberta Referendum on potentially leaving Canada is less than a month away. And as part of the Alberta Government’s advertising campaign to inform Albertans on their options, the government has sp...

MENLO PARK, CA — As Meta’s totally cool, definitely-not-creepy smart glasses become more popular with tech bros and straight-up pervs, the tech company is reportedly baffled as to why their glasses wh...

The Beaverton Weekly Report · Episode

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran.