ITHICA, NY – As punishment for drugging and gang-raping a young woman for over seven hours in 2024, Cornell University has assigned the seven known perpetrators to generate essays using ChatGPT.

The Beaverton Weekly Report · Episode

VICTORIA, BC - After capitalizing on the disarray of the opposition Conservative party and calling a snap election, David Eby finds himself trailing in the polls to a leader to be determined at a late...

Mountain View, CA—Astronomers at the SETI Institute have confirmed that a radio signal originated from an advanced alien civilization, but was intended for a different planet behind Earth.

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND - Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on their own abili...

BRANDON, MB - 4-year-old Mikaela Hermer's imaginary restaurant, in which she served invisible hot dogs and ice cream to her parents and friends, has filed for bankruptcy after being acquired by Hedges...

CALGARY - With the Alberta Separatism referendum fast approaching, pro-separatist groups have launched a new campaign to entice investment dollars to their chaotic barely-planned idea for a country.

Disney Plus, CA - A local night out has soured after marvel fan Dan Lee has found out you plan to watch Avengers: Doomsday without first consuming 16,000 hours of marvel content.

MENLO PARK, CA — As Meta’s totally cool, definitely-not-creepy smart glasses become more popular with tech bros and straight-up pervs, the tech company is reportedly baffled as to why their glasses wh...

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran.

Mountain View, CA—Astronomers at the SETI Institute have confirmed that a radio signal originated from an advanced alien civilization, but was intended for a different planet behind Earth.

VICTORIA, BC - After capitalizing on the disarray of the opposition Conservative party and calling a snap election, David Eby finds himself trailing in the polls to a leader to be determined at a late...

“It was Implied!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and special guest Jocelyn Geddie) talk about Carney using the Trade War to govern even further to the right than Harper, Trump’s anger over Canada’s...

The Alberta Referendum on potentially leaving Canada is less than a month away. And as part of the Alberta Government’s advertising campaign to inform Albertans on their options, the government has sp...

MENLO PARK, CA — As Meta’s totally cool, definitely-not-creepy smart glasses become more popular with tech bros and straight-up pervs, the tech company is reportedly baffled as to why their glasses wh...

The Beaverton Weekly Report · Episode

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran.

VICTORIA – B.C. Conservative Party leader Kerry-Lynne Findlay has resigned in order to spend more time kicking members of her family out of the house. “I have been honoured to be the second longest se...

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran.

WASHINGTON D.C. - After banning press outlets including CNN, MS Now, and Politico, President Donald Trump has removed numerous other journalists, leaving only those he trusts to portray him in the mos...

OTTAWA — After multiple labour sources warned that the Federal government would likely be issuing binding mediation legislation as early as next week, Mark Carney personally assured Canadians that eve...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - United States President Donald Trump has blasted Canada’s recent cozying up to the European Union, going as far as to say that forging the new partnership is tantamount to picking o...

Leamington, ON– We all have our autumn rituals, and whether yours is drying off from the summer’s floods or cooling down from the summer’s forest fires, or both, The Beaverton has you covered.

WASHINGTON D.C. - After banning press outlets including CNN, MS Now, and Politico, President Donald Trump has removed numerous other journalists, leaving only those he trusts to portray him in the mos...

OTTAWA — After multiple labour sources warned that the Federal government would likely be issuing binding mediation legislation as early as next week, Mark Carney personally assured Canadians that eve...

LONDON — At a press conference today, singer Ed Sheeran announced that, despite all of his previously scheduled opening acts quitting over his firing Macklemore, his tour will continue as scheduled, w...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - United States President Donald Trump has blasted Canada’s recent cozying up to the European Union, going as far as to say that forging the new partnership is tantamount to picking o...

LONDON — At a press conference today, singer Ed Sheeran announced that, despite all of his previously scheduled opening acts quitting over his firing Macklemore, his tour will continue as scheduled, w...

BRUSSELS – A recent statement by the European Union has clarified that the bloc’s main interest in Canada becoming an Associate Member is to get them to take away some of the junk the United Kingdom f...

SILICON VALLEY - The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence "could potentially kill all humans" sounds much more awesome than just admitting that they blew a fortune on glorified chatbots.

Podcast · The Beaverton · Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles an all-star panel of comedians to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts th...

Montreal, QC – In a surprising show of good faith, Montreal Canadiens fans removed their long-standing burning effigy of NHL forward Chris Kreider after it was announced that he would be joining the t...

MONTREAL - Porn enthusiasts are reeling after an information leak at Pornhub has revealed that most of the actors on the site who claim to be step-siblings are not related at all.

SILICON VALLEY - The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence "could potentially kill all humans" sounds much more awesome than just admitting that they blew a fortune on glorified chatbots.

OTTAWA - With his Conservative Party trailing the governing Liberals by double digits in recent opinion polling, a desperate Pierre Poilievre today announced his latest plan to boost his popularity: a...

OTTAWA - After Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Prime Minister Mark Carney announced he would preemptively rename the rest of the Great Lakes as “Lake Legal...

CALGARY, AB - A recent study out of the University of Alberta has come to the startling conclusion that ignoring the suffering of others is linked to having an optimistic view of life.

Comedy Podcast · Updated Biweekly · Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles an all-star Panel of comedians to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then ...

ARLINGTON COUNTY, VA - Awakening briefly, President Trump addressed Americans assembled to pay their respects to the victims of the September 11th attacks, insisting that his mid-morning nap constitut...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump waxed nostalgic about how he single-handedly prevented the September 11 terrorist attacks from ever happening. Trump told a group of supporters that, if it...

Moncton, NB - A local family says they are looking for answers after their mother openly chose to eat at a different rotisserie chicken chain. Trudy Daly, 45 and mother of three, is accused of betrayi...

OTTAWA - With anti-American counter-tariffs taking effect as of September 8th, Canadians will be forced to make due without easy market access to their most-purchased American products, namely chrome ...

This is the ninth time the float has been cancelled in as many years.

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed ...

REGINA, SK — A local couple recently found themselves the target of a hate-filled rant for failing to refer to a hoodie by the Saskatchewan term, ‘bunnyhug’.