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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 1h

I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was. He said no

Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 3h

Barry the decorator won the local Church painting contract, but cut corners and costs by thinning the paint down! The Priest on inspection was not impressed and ordered him “To repaint and never thin again!”

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 4h

I called an animal recue centre today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs." "That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase"

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 6h

My wife & I are having a competition as to who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop. I've just taken the lead

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 7h

Just had a threatening letter from Schwartz, the Herb and Spice company saying I owe them £100. If I don't pay by tomorrow, they're sending the Bay Leaf’s around.

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 9h

I stayed up all night trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 11h

The man who invented the time machine has passed away. RIP Sir Malcolm Thomas 1954 - 1746

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 13h

I've been offered a job making plastic Draculas. There will only be two of us on the production line so I have to make every second count

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 16h

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano. But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 18h

I went into the pet shop and asked for a taller stand for my parrot. I wanted to get it now and pay for it later but the owner said “I’m sorry but I don’t do higher perches”

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 21h

The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I managed to fight him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 22h

During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with X. I nearly choked on my #brown

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Boredom has led me to swap the labels on my wife's spices. She hasn't realised yet, but her thyme is cumin

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Girl: "Tell me something you've never told anyone else?" Me (whispering) "I think the owl people already live among us" Girl: "Who?" Me: "Holy crap!"

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Me: "Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a supermarket" Doctor: "How long have you felt like this?" Me: "Since I was Lidl"

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

What day do eggs hate most? Fry-day the 13th!

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I bought a suit of armour to make feel young and brave, but it just made me feel middle aged

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control. But cases continue to rise

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

What’s way worse than Friday the 13th? Monday the whatever

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I hired a handyman to do some work, and gave him a list of things to do. When I got home he'd only done tasks 1, 3 and 5. Turned out he was an odd job man

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

My Wife is threatening to leave me because I am too arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I'm convinced my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapons collection She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Ever since my wife was bitten by that radioactive owl she makes all my decisions for me. She's been given power of a tawny

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges... I told him probably to put them on eBay...

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Just heard that the tin man from the 'Wizard of Oz' has died. May he rust in peace

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I went to my first session with a personal trainer this morning and he asked me what sort of squat do I normally do... I said ‘diddly’

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant “What gets rid of all bacteria and germs?” She said "Ammonia cleaner." I said "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I got a new pair of gloves today, but theyre both lefts. Which, on the one hand, is great, on the other, it's just not right.

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding. A police spokesman said; "We are hoping that they will resurface soon”

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I bought some anti gloating cream earlier... I can't wait to rub it in!

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row. I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!" Operator: "Where?" Caller: "No, a regular one!"

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Just had some counterfeit Mr Kipling cherry bakewells. To be fair, they were exceedingly good fakes

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I still owe money to Clinton, Gates, Murray & Oddie. I'm really struggling to pay my Bills

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I was injured in a Peekaboo incident and am currently being admitted to the ICU

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

A friend told me that he once failed an exam in aboriginal music. I asked him: “Did you redo it?”

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Kids don't know they're born these days. When I was younger, my parents couldn't afford to buy me official toys, so they had to give me cheap knock-offs But still, I was grateful, and I treasured that Adolescent Radioactive Karate Tortoise

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find that a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in his Baggins area

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

When David Beckham's son played football, the manager gave him the number 4 shirt. "Wear four out there, Romeo"

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Not many people know that Bruce Lee's sister, Simone, makes a very good living selling mobile phone contracts

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you. Edit: No you won't

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Got a fright last night when I was in the bath. I felt a tap on my shoulder

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Welcome to The 2024 Yodelling Championship could all contestants form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat, so basically the oily bird gets the warm

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Getting up in the middle of the night and eating snacks from the fridge has a name. It means you have Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

I went into my local Costco and said, “Have you seen a sailor with one arm and one leg?” They said “Sorry we are wholesalers”

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Weekday Jokes @weekdayjokes.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it’s definitely up there

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