iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

sorry for the super long thread. idk how many active people even follow me anymore. i just needed to get this shit out

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oh and if we cant keep a well-paying job and insurance and stuff there's no chance in hell of ever finding a way to start hrt and transition (almost definitely away from where we live). that one really hurts

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idk. it's just feeling desperate again. and this is lily speaking. imagine how hard this must be for val. i mean...i don't really have to imagine. i just hate that this is our life, that we're trapped in it

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a big issue with this plan, however, is that i just got a new laptop, pc, and monitor for like ~$1500 total. and i have other shit i have to pay off, like student loans. i basically won't be able to pay that back in a reasonable time at all if i go part time somewhere

....which led to me getting a job that i kept for nearly 2 years but which led to my current burnout, which never really ended after i quit there.

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but maybe that would be more sustainable for me? i dont remember feeling so constantly exhausted when i worked at the bookstore part time. and i did like that job, it was fun. only reason i left was bc i aged out of dad's insurance and didnt know about free options yet

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so...i'm kind of back to contemplating trying a part time job again. something i can just work a few days a week for 5-6 hours a day. ill have those uninsured programs at least. i won't be able to pay as much in rent (i think i pay too much as is to my parents) or have as much to myself

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i do have a means of getting most of the meds i need either for free or heavily discounted. and i recently found out the local hospital has assistance for uninsured people if you visit the er, so you don't have to pay. but i still need some kind of income

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it sucks bc like. i do finally have a job that i actually tolerate and almost enjoy. i finally qualified for insurance through this job. things are not looking terrible. but i'm still already burning out. the relentless exhaustion is getting worse again and a full time job makes it even worse

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the thing that sucks about depression for me is like. the meds help me want to kill myself less, which is good. but it doesn't really help me want to live life more. so i end up just...existing. i don't think any med (aside from perhaps stimulants and only sometimes) will ever really help with that

man tbh today just fucking sucks. i dont feel like doing anything. well...i feel like do things less than i usually do. which is not a lot so the baseline we're working with is already pretty low

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ok i have this stupid app back. texas sucks. i tried x instead but it sucks more than this app does. and i need somewhere to yap when i hit post limit on tumblr lmao

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there were certain sensations while bottoming that i was not fully prepared for and that felt weird but i think i will also get used to. overall it was a wonderful experience and i want to hang out with him more >:3

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also. ngl. sucking dick is way better than eating pussy imo. except the part where i nearly choke on it bc godDAM it's big but i plan on getting used to that as well >:3

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he also said i felt good and was on my knees for a surprisingly long time like a champ. but my fucking hips hurt now lmao

val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 23/05/2026

btw it was fucking awesome and great and lovely and he's so gentle and amazing 😍

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i am NOT allowed to have tummy problems on today of all days. what the fuck is going on

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val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 22/05/2026

he said i look pathetic and fuckable 🥰

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val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 21/05/2026

"stay who you are. don't change. keep being yourself." but what if i do and it turns out you don't like who i really am?

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val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 20/05/2026

tbh i never thought i’d ever be this excited to have sex with a cis man but here we are

val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 20/05/2026

if anyone cares anymore. i’m seeing a wonderful boy and he’s going to fuck me saturday >:3

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val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 03/05/2026

oh fuck i totally missed vesak this year. it was on may 1st 😔

the buddha wasn’t a man he was actually an elephant whispering secrets of nibbana to the man

elephants contain all positive qualities in ultimate abundance

god actually made earth for elephants but then the human situation got a bit out of hand and she had to wing it

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why are mornings so fast but afternoons so sloooooow…..i wonder what the exact perceptual basis for that is actually

val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 26/04/2026

they call me portable valerie on account of im easy to pick up and carry around. that’s actually a lie. im big and heavy and made of jellyfish parts

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tfw you need a gf but you’re too gross and useless to attract literally anyone

val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 26/04/2026

can i be a fat trans girl who isn’t even particularly butch or femme but wears colorful hawaiian shirts and paints her nails to match or should i just go to hell already

the only way to live is like hope is real and a better world is possible

is some three body problem shit happening to global scientists rn

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i often have dreams where i’m watching the night sky and everything starts changing and moving and getting bigger and closer until a succession of giant planets and stars hit the earth but nothing happens. does this mean anything

val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 18/04/2026

ever have daydreams of like. the world suddenly ending. like either instantly or just with a minute’s notice. like something collides with the earth that tears it apart completely. or a disease rapidly kills all humanity. or something like that.

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i love procrastinating for weeks on something that only takes an hour or two and getting so stressed on the day it has to be finished you want to throw up and it’s making it nearly impossible to actually do it now which stresses you more and you feel even worse which stresses you more and you

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val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 05/04/2026

what can i say....i saw the box art of the dwarf with the flaming sword and i wanted that to be me

val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 04/04/2026

how lame of you zaric……basic as hell. i played a dwarf paladin bc they’re cool af

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val 🏳️‍⚧️🐘 @wayresting.bsky.social · 04/04/2026

tauren are nostalgic to me but im not particularly into them. highmountain tauren are just tauren with moose antlers. i’ve never cared for worgen. but i love vulpera - i even changed my main (a shaman) to one last expansion

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according to wow there are only four kinds of furries: cow, moose, wolf, and fox

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oh trust me i was not talking about situations like drake when i brought up colorism haha. and yeah aave is very obv afro american/black specific and also highly regional, i know some northern blacks make fun of southern blacks for the way they speak as well

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oh no doubt, i get that and don’t disagree. i’m mostly complaining about white liberals who think they know better and get mad if a white person uses aave even in a correct, respectful, non-appropriative manner (ppl like my gf lol)

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oh yeah examples like that are def racist. but i put that in the category of “aave as a joke” or “aave used incorrectly”. arguably a lot of white use online does fall into this category tho unfortunately, but irl esp where i live it’s just natural for white ppl to speak that way sometimes

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i live in the south, which i think is a particularly good example since a lot of the “southern” accent historically has been influenced by southern aave. i can’t really speak to other regional aaves though, i don’t think they’ve influenced the local white dialect as much as in the south

this was mostly prompted by an argument i just had with my gf (white) who is deathly afraid of using any aave under any circumstances lol

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