04/05/2026 Sometimes I feel devastated. I remember the abuse of my father, how my baby brother smelled of sex, his cotton pajamas ripped almost totally, down to his ankles. My father said that “his thing, smells”At 5 years old, I knew what I perceived. I don’t want to remember this. And my baby sister, was also SA’d. Face it, Daddy. I think that Satan’s activity was way more inferior, than your perversion, your assaults on your own relative family. God save your soul. God protect us all.

I often wonder, if my life would be much bigger, bolder, braver, more successful, if I did not have PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder. I like to imagine myself as independant, and super powerful. But, I never really believe it. People have told me, numerous times that I am amazing and brave. I just don't see it. I feel like a frightened lost little girl most of the time.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was getting ready and packing a suitcase to visit my estranged mother in another state. When I arrived, I couldn’t find my medication. I always pack it first. I take about 15 types of medications everyday and some medications will cause withdrawal symptoms if you miss a day. In my dream, I told her that I had a big problem.

Forgive me. I can’t always think of a title for my posts, so I am just giving the dates. I have not been prolific, in my writing, over the past few years. Just too much devastation, leading to deep sadness and depression. I am freaking out, because my pedophile father, has been hunting me down on the internet for years, I heard.

I have worked so hard, to align my sanity, to find the joy, that I need. I have an amazing husband, who would give the planet to me, if I asked. He has empathy, kindness, unconditional love for me. When we married, 32 years ago, I was a traumatized, person, triggered too often. He never gave up on me. To this day, no matter my mental, physical health, he is there. And now, we learn that he may be very ill also. WHY LORD??? I have given up so much for you Lord.

I have struggled with writing, this blog “My Uncomfortable Mind”for the past 5 years. I have developed near death hospitalizations, sometimes in ICU. Twice with water on the brain. I think that for about 10 years, I was quite productive, in my writing. I would write, when the emotions struck me, not on a schedule. The mind and body are very interconnected, meaning, that if you suffer from emotional distress, you will suffer from physical distress (usually with stomach issues).

People have described me as kind, sweet, generous, intelligent, creative, remarkable, angelic, empathetic. My failures occur when I feel that I have been “screwed over”, betrayed, abused, or taken advantage of. I feel that, since I put my trust in someone, and they deliberately destroyed it, they will freaking hear it from me. Afterwards, I feel disappointed in myself, because I lost my temper.

I have a ton of political thoughts, now. But , I know that, I can’t say one freaking word, of my compassionate demeanor, or I could be shipped, to God knows where…Yes, this is really happening.

I have never been a disciplined writer. I wrote when my soul felt motivated. Since I write about my own experiences, I find that it leads to profound hostilities from those who, can’t admit their abuse, cruelty, perverse behavior. It is year 2025, and yet, humans, are still vicious, to their own people.

I have many thoughts, but I don’t even know how to start, my mind is in chaos. As I have mentioned, I have gone no contact with my mother. She is a narcissist who spent my childhood in bars and sleazy dives…as a result, so did I. Her men were often abusive and alcoholics, child molesters, psychopaths. I am paying the price.

I am Christine. I am 57 years old and this blog is about my struggles with CPTSD, caused by past childhood and domestic trauma, Schizoaffective Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression, serious physical illnesses and my odyssey of life and recovery. Check out the rest of my blog and follow my discoveries insights, and recoveries through these very challenging situations. I hope it gives you hope and helps you also.

I am Christine. I am 57 years old and this blog is about my struggles with CPTSD, caused by past childhood and domestic trauma, Schizoaffective Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression, serious physical illnesses and my odyssey of life and recovery. Check out the rest of my blog and follow my discoveries insights, and recoveries through these very challenging situations. I hope it gives you hope and helps you also.