iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

It never rains but it...............................................................................................................pause...

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 14h

I'm rewriting hystori.

130

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 15h

I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DD's. It was a ridiculously long name.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 15h

Weather summary: no longer summery.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 15h

"I'd like a refund for the boomerang I bought. It doesn't work". "Where is it?" "I have no idea... ". " ... OK, have you got your receipt?"

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Not only do I have to wake her up before I go-go, I have to take her dancing at Club Tropicana tonight. Talk about a double-whammy.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I can ejaculate twelve inches, it's my cumfoot zone.

000

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

When Clark Kent and Lois Lane broke up, she got the kids, but Clark can still see them with supervision.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

* Sings * If you’re German and you know it clap, you’re Hans.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

I've just finished a book called “The History of Tribute Bands”. I read it from cover to cover.

021

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

"My wife got punched in Malaysia." "Kuala Lumpur?" "They don't have koalas in Malaysia."

120

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Two bears in the wood, first one says "Raaraarrr", the second one says "Raaraarrr". A rubbish joke yes, but bears repeating.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

"I got a silver machine. It flies sideways thru' time - which is finite in extent, but without boundary." - Professor Stephen Hawkwind.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

FACT: As part of his training for Rocky, Sylvester Stallone raced a climbing instructor up the Alps. They could never agree who won, so it became known as the tie of the Eiger.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Shortly after writing the famous line 'I wandered lonely as a cloud', William Wordsworth was put on trial for walk rhymes.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Mr Bragg said: “I'm sure that everybody knows / How much my body hates me / It lets me down most every time / And makes me rash and hasty / I feel a total jerk / Before your naked body of work."

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I was going to get a bust made, but didn't think I should get a head of myself. (Contractual Obligation Post).

120

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

PS: You have a magnificent bust.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Blimey! You two need better hobbies.... ;-)

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Two guys came knocking last night, trying to tell me I must be ‘saved’ and, if I wasn’t, I’d ‘burn in the flames.’ I told them to get lost. - Bloody firemen.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I don't seem to remember how to throw this boomerang properly, but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

My boy was hit by a cement lorry today. Later my wife and me are going to watch the son set.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

A lion tamer walks into a bar. The Barnum says, "Hey, get back to work!"

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

After many years of use, my Sat Nav is starting to show signs of where.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

I'd like to know why David Bowie pronounced the word "most" in a mosta peculiar way.

100

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

This is truly the end of days: “ays”

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Continual Ceaseless Eternal Everlasting Forever Immortal Incessant Infinite Limitless Unbounded The list is endless.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

My mate has decided not to involve the police after losing both his hands working for a demolition company. He's no longer pressing charges.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

My mate’s dad always used to say: “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more”. Great bloke - terrible anaesthetist.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

A man went into a library and asked, “Do you have any books on shelving?” The librarian said, “Yes, all of them.”

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

My girlfriend just bought a ruler from Smiths. Heaven knows I'm measurable now.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day ….is the reason I lost my job at the aquarium.

021

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

"Are you certain this is the nicest beach?" "Yeah, pretty shore."

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

My new brakes give my car a bit of 00mph.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

The whole workforce has just lost their jobs at the bed-of-nails factory. They said it was because of the cutbacks.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Eight out of ten experts agree that the other two are idiots who should stop being thought of as experts.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I still can't believe that Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are twins.

120

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I've just made a chicken salad. He pecked at it once and pissed off across the road. - The dick.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

* For clarity, and the avoidance of doubt, I have never said "cool" in my life.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Girlfriend: "Do you fancy doing that Go Ape thing?" Me: "Yeah, cool, why not?" Girlfriend: "OK, I slept with your brother." Me: ".........".

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Buff, Hello Soldier - was the most camp song Bob Marley ever wrote.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Yes, the Thames Barrier is, unsurprisingly, a flood barrier to the East of the City near Greenwich.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I keep asking my girlfriend how much she paid for her Botox injections. Unfortunately, she remains all tight lipped about it.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

FACT: The original Thames Barry wasn't good enough so they replaced it with the Thames Barrier.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

I called my ex San Marino. She kicked off every 5 mins.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

The full name for the Mini One is the Ministrone. It's the souped-up version.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

After having them for six years and not being involved in any violent conflict, I've decided to rename my combat trousers 'trousers'.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

In prison I'm learning how to stuff mattresses - when I'm released at least I'll have something to fall back on.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

Boredom has led me to swap the labels on my girlfriend's spices. She hasn't realised yet, but her thyme is cumin.

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