iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

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My mate has decided not to involve the police after losing both his hands working for a demolition company. He's no longer pressing charges.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 17h

My mate’s dad always used to say: “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more”. Great bloke - terrible anaesthetist.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 17h

A man went into a library and asked, “Do you have any books on shelving?” The librarian said, “Yes, all of them.”

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 17h

My girlfriend just bought a ruler from Smiths. Heaven knows I'm measurable now.

141

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 18h

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day ….is the reason I lost my job at the aquarium.

021

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 18h

"Are you certain this is the nicest beach?" "Yeah, pretty shore."

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 20h

My new brakes give my car a bit of 00mph.

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 20h

The whole workforce has just lost their jobs at the bed-of-nails factory. They said it was because of the cutbacks.

040

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Eight out of ten experts agree that the other two are idiots who should stop being thought of as experts.

120

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I still can't believe that Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger are twins.

120

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I've just made a chicken salad. He pecked at it once and pissed off across the road. - The dick.

040

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Girlfriend: "Do you fancy doing that Go Ape thing?" Me: "Yeah, cool, why not?" Girlfriend: "OK, I slept with your brother." Me: ".........".

110

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Buff, Hello Soldier - was the most camp song Bob Marley ever wrote.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

I keep asking my girlfriend how much she paid for her Botox injections. Unfortunately, she remains all tight lipped about it.

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

FACT: The original Thames Barry wasn't good enough so they replaced it with the Thames Barrier.

100

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

I called my ex San Marino. She kicked off every 5 mins.

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

The full name for the Mini One is the Ministrone. It's the souped-up version.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

After having them for six years and not being involved in any violent conflict, I've decided to rename my combat trousers 'trousers'.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

In prison I'm learning how to stuff mattresses - when I'm released at least I'll have something to fall back on.

000

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

Boredom has led me to swap the labels on my girlfriend's spices. She hasn't realised yet, but her thyme is cumin.

061

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

I call it a lift, but my US friend calls it an elevator. I suppose we were just raised differently.

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

"My teeth are turning yellow". Dentist: "Do you smoke or drink coffee?" Me: "I drink it".

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

"Hello, my name is Heath". "Oh, my name is Heather". "This isn’t a contest you know".

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Her: "I slept with three blokes before I met you". Me: "But I was only 20 minutes late".

031

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

FACT: Richard Gere's dad, Gottler was a ventriloquist from Sweden.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

I told my Scottish doctor I have knee problems and he asked me what I was doing there.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Someone has torn the last page from my book and it has pissed me off; no end.

180

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

I used to be addicted to using a ruler. I had to draw the line somewhere.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?" "ICU baby, shaking that ass".

040

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

I'm at the vets. A man opposite me is weeping with an empty cage in his arms. I'd be crying too if I were that forgetful.

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?” “Yes, we arson”.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Just had a wee next to my new boss in the toilet. Bit awkward, I bet she wishes she'd locked the cubicle door now.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Sometimes magic tricks can go horribly wrong. If you don't believe me, ask my half-brother.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Due to a typo I got a new colander app on my phone. It really drains the battery.

021

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

I don't often predict what's going to happen but today I can be certain that we are in for a bad spell of waether.

000

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

Are our courtrooms too lax? We'll let you be the judge!

010

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

My car starts playing Joy Division as soon as I get in. It's automatic Transmission.

051

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

If there's one thing that guarantees I'll throw up - it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

031

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

Fickle was my favourite word... briefly.

000

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

My brother asked to borrow my spade so he could make a will. Bless him. He means well.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

"How come there’s a three year gap in your CV?" "That’s when I was at Yale." "That's impressive - You’re hired." "Great! I was starting to think I’d never find a yob."

052

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

Hello, welcome to this inaugural meeting of the furniture kleptomania support group. Please take a seat.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

I was excited when I thought I'd found a way to turn the stereo up to 11 - then I realised it was just the Pause button.

030

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

Reasons I am selling my Elvis records: 1. For the money

130

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

I want it noted that I bought an LP sleeve - just for the record.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

BREAKING NEWS: The president of the Royal Nominative Determinism Society, Dr Alan Diesinthispost, has died.

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Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

A horse walks into a pub. The batman asks: "Why the long...". "Hang on, did you see that typo?" interrupts the horse.

020

Topper @topperuk.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

I'm off to The Punctuator Of The Year awards tonight. The winner gets presented with a posh trophy.

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