theonion.com
All Of Area Man’s Positive Qualities Stolen From Past Friends
DALLAS, CO—Revealing that not a single favorable attribute had emerged organically from his own personality, all of area man Spencer Lindell’s positive qualities were stolen from past friends, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I legitimately don’t think there’s a single good characteristic Spencer has that he didn’t pluck straight from one of his much more likable friends,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Lester, pointing out that Lindell had no interest in baking or running marathons until he noticed his popular junior year roommate partaking in such activities. “Everything from his haircut to his love of ’80s synth pop to his sense of humor to his charming mannerisms and taste in movies can be directly traced back to someone else he used to know. Honestly, I’m convinced he’s just a roaring void that’s plastered over with these affectations to give the illusion of personhood. He’s just an empty vessel for other people’s better, more interesting traits.” At press time, it was confirmed that all of Lindell’s negative qualities, however, were totally his own.
