theonion.com
Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good
WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good. Initial attempts to subdue the wailing child, which reportedly included presenting her with a bottle and later a stuffed animal, are said to have failed miserably, leading onlookers to conclude that the inept adults lacked even the most basic child-rearing skills. In addition, the baby’s incessant screaming only worsened following the couple’s repeated attempts to soothe her, further highlighting their profound inadequacies as a mother and father. At press time, sources confirmed another child just a few feet away from the bawling infant was not crying, and was therefore being raised by good parents who loved her.
![They hired this data team of people that didn't live in the U.S. and they would watch us through our computers and it felt really sketchy and scary. It felt like it was more of a science experiment, and I was more of a lab rat rather than [having] someone that actually cared about my learning.
I was getting really frustrated about that throughout the year. Every time they would change something, I would be like, why are we changing this?
We couldn't tape over the computer or anything like that. They would get really frustrated if we taped over it. We had to keep the camera on.
[The software] would also track your facial expressions, and be like, "This is the emotion that you're evoking while you're talking about this." And every single time, it would tell me that I look really sad, which is fair because / was really sad, because / was crying every single day.
They would make me and a few other kids take standardized math tests pretty much every day, and then any question that we got wrong, we would have to get on a Zoom call with some random guy from normally India and explain to him every single thing that we got wrong and why. And I hated that.
I was a guinea pig, and I knew that I was a guinea pig. They were not subtle about it.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:776hcssquwcv2ihpptzvttxj/bafkreihcxzi7znw2yq5ux6mhcq5zbfpeydb5ys2syjpi7ojhhxiyg7l7zm)
