Sign in

Ted Heller

@thellernyc.bsky.social
201 followers 241 following 409 posts

Poetaster, chanteuse, Old World artisan, raconteur, flambeur, roustabout, God's gift to womankind, deity-loathing atheist, your worst nightmare become flesh, and ultimately the Conscience of America.

PostsRepliesMedia
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
NY Times, breaking news: Denouncing "Ugly Broad Who Won the Noble [sic] Peace Prize," Trump Calls for Livestream Execution of Everyone in Oslo and Everywhere Else
011
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
The quarry isn't hiring.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
I am loving this "Odyssey" tie-in that CVS is doing this week.
020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
"So basically 'The Odyssey' is just 'It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World but with ships instead of cars." — overheard, Cahiers du Cinema cafeteria, 10 minutes ago
020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
He is where slick becomes slimy.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
She steals the show.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
I will not see The Odyssey unless the movie is re-shot with either Zach Galifianakis or George Chakiris as Odysseus!!!
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
Imagine how Helen Black of Troy, NY must feel right now.
030
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
If you really want punish yourself there's a much longer version out there.
100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
I use this version: youtu.be/Cw79G41Xlc4?...
youtu.be
John Lennon & Yoko Ono: Why? (1972)
YouTube video by Corto Damon
100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
Xi's just not that into you.
130
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
Wind, baby!
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
What's everyone complaining about? My Trump Phone arrived and it's great.
120
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
There is?!?!
110
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
Breaking news: DOJ Indicts Tommy Tutone Over 867-5309/Jenny Song
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
You don't STOP a White House ballroom. You can only hope to contain it.
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
"Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream of things that never were and say, 'Why not snort coke off a toilet seat and cut off a raccoon's penis?'" — RFK Jr.
110
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
Had Abraham Lincoln had a 90,000-square foot ballroom, he would still be alive today.
020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
I see swastikas.
110
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
I think it was "just desserts"?
100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
You should check out Walter Kirn's tweets now. If that's what being sober is like, get me a drink.
210
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
"You wanna know how to get Trump? They pull a Congress, you pull an archdiocese. They pull a cabinet, you pull a synod. He sends one of yours to the Supreme Court, you send one of his to the Holy See. That's the Chicago Pope way."
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
Today I briefly appeared on my balcony to address the faithful whereupon I quickly realized I had neither the faithful nor a balcony.
230
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/04/2026
We as a nation and as a peoples need to put the CROSS back into crossdressing.
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 24/03/2026
Check out Kirn's tweet today regarding his screenplay. It looks like there's more trouble in paradise.
101
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
Can you imagine how much worse the reaction would be if Timothée Chalamet had said batik and macramé instead of opera and ballet?
021
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/03/2026
I fear fear itself. Not fear per se. But fear itself. I do. I really do. There. I said it.
021
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/2026
Chalamet vs. Opera is making USA vs. Iran look like Billie Jean King vs Bobby Riggs.
020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/2026
3.49 a gallon. I haven't seen this much rage at the pump since Trump's honeymoon, folks.
020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/2026
Can we talk about ”The Birth of a Nation"?
040
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 05/03/2026
Watching Kristi Noem's "Checkers Speech" and waiting for the part where she shoots and kills Checkers.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
You wouldn't trust Pete Hegseth to even change a car tire. But alas, here we are.
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
Q: What is Reza Pahlavi's favorite Young Rascals song? A: "How Can I Be Shah?"
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/03/2026
One of Ali Khamenei's sons might replace him? It begs the question: kha menei Khameneis are there?!
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/03/2026
"New Acting Supreme Leader of Iran" is the new "World's Oldest Living Human Being."
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
Is the original "Nightmare Alley" a circus movie or a carnival movie?
100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
Remembering that time J. Edgar Hoover dressed as a woman, partied with the USA women's ski team in '48 and no one cared.
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
Faster than the speed of light, which the alien succubus had to have traveled.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
Does this NYC travel ban mean I can't go to Carolina in my mind?
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
It was an Ambrrrrr Alert.
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
The Inuits have 50 different names for non-Inuit people who think Inuits have 100 different words for snow.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
This will give Walter more time to prove that he's had contact with aliens visiting Earth.
200
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 20/02/2026
According to my sources at Scotland Yard, the password to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's laptop is PAEDO123.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 19/02/2026
Breaking news: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor First Member of Royal Family to be Arrested Since Duke Snider's 1990s Arrest for Tax Evasion
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/02/2026
This can't be real, can it?
010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 12/02/2026
Overheard, TGI Friday's, 4th stool: "Women's 1000-meter ski cross is a totally made-up sport. It's not a natural REAL sport like men's 2K parallel giant moguls."
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 10/02/2026
Where in the Bible does it say I shouldn't trust a big butt and a smile?!
020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
I see "TPUSA" and I immediately think: Toilet Paper.
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026
My Super Bowl party this year is SICK, y'all!
000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026
"The artistry, the grace, the elegance, the poise, the athleticism..." — the women's short program or me bringing a bag of stinky wet compost down to the basement?
000