Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/10/2026NY Times, breaking news: Denouncing "Ugly Broad Who Won the Noble [sic] Peace Prize," Trump Calls for Livestream Execution of Everyone in Oslo and Everywhere Else 011
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/07/2026I am loving this "Odyssey" tie-in that CVS is doing this week. 020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/07/2026"So basically 'The Odyssey' is just 'It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World but with ships instead of cars." — overheard, Cahiers du Cinema cafeteria, 10 minutes ago 020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/05/2026I will not see The Odyssey unless the movie is re-shot with either Zach Galifianakis or George Chakiris as Odysseus!!! 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/05/2026Imagine how Helen Black of Troy, NY must feel right now. 030
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026If you really want punish yourself there's a much longer version out there. 100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026I use this version: youtu.be/Cw79G41Xlc4?...youtu.beJohn Lennon & Yoko Ono: Why? (1972)YouTube video by Corto Damon 100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026What's everyone complaining about? My Trump Phone arrived and it's great. 120
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 29/04/2026Breaking news: DOJ Indicts Tommy Tutone Over 867-5309/Jenny Song 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/04/2026You don't STOP a White House ballroom. You can only hope to contain it. 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/04/2026"Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream of things that never were and say, 'Why not snort coke off a toilet seat and cut off a raccoon's penis?'" — RFK Jr. 110
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026Had Abraham Lincoln had a 90,000-square foot ballroom, he would still be alive today. 020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026You should check out Walter Kirn's tweets now. If that's what being sober is like, get me a drink. 210
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/04/2026"You wanna know how to get Trump? They pull a Congress, you pull an archdiocese. They pull a cabinet, you pull a synod. He sends one of yours to the Supreme Court, you send one of his to the Holy See. That's the Chicago Pope way." 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 05/04/2026Today I briefly appeared on my balcony to address the faithful whereupon I quickly realized I had neither the faithful nor a balcony. 230
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/04/2026We as a nation and as a peoples need to put the CROSS back into crossdressing. 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 24/03/2026Check out Kirn's tweet today regarding his screenplay. It looks like there's more trouble in paradise. 101
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/03/2026Can you imagine how much worse the reaction would be if Timothée Chalamet had said batik and macramé instead of opera and ballet? 021
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/03/2026I fear fear itself. Not fear per se. But fear itself. I do. I really do. There. I said it. 021
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/2026Chalamet vs. Opera is making USA vs. Iran look like Billie Jean King vs Bobby Riggs. 020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/20263.49 a gallon. I haven't seen this much rage at the pump since Trump's honeymoon, folks. 020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 05/03/2026Watching Kristi Noem's "Checkers Speech" and waiting for the part where she shoots and kills Checkers. 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 02/03/2026You wouldn't trust Pete Hegseth to even change a car tire. But alas, here we are. 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 02/03/2026Q: What is Reza Pahlavi's favorite Young Rascals song? A: "How Can I Be Shah?" 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/03/2026One of Ali Khamenei's sons might replace him? It begs the question: kha menei Khameneis are there?! 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/03/2026"New Acting Supreme Leader of Iran" is the new "World's Oldest Living Human Being." 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 24/02/2026Is the original "Nightmare Alley" a circus movie or a carnival movie? 100
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026Remembering that time J. Edgar Hoover dressed as a woman, partied with the USA women's ski team in '48 and no one cared. 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026Faster than the speed of light, which the alien succubus had to have traveled. 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026Does this NYC travel ban mean I can't go to Carolina in my mind? 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026The Inuits have 50 different names for non-Inuit people who think Inuits have 100 different words for snow. 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026This will give Walter more time to prove that he's had contact with aliens visiting Earth. 200
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 20/02/2026According to my sources at Scotland Yard, the password to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's laptop is PAEDO123. 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 19/02/2026Breaking news: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor First Member of Royal Family to be Arrested Since Duke Snider's 1990s Arrest for Tax Evasion 010
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 12/02/2026Overheard, TGI Friday's, 4th stool: "Women's 1000-meter ski cross is a totally made-up sport. It's not a natural REAL sport like men's 2K parallel giant moguls." 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 10/02/2026Where in the Bible does it say I shouldn't trust a big butt and a smile?! 020
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/02/2026I see "TPUSA" and I immediately think: Toilet Paper. 000
Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026"The artistry, the grace, the elegance, the poise, the athleticism..." — the women's short program or me bringing a bag of stinky wet compost down to the basement? 000