iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/07/2026

I am loving this "Odyssey" tie-in that CVS is doing this week.

Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/07/2026

"So basically 'The Odyssey' is just 'It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World but with ships instead of cars." — overheard, Cahiers du Cinema cafeteria, 10 minutes ago

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/05/2026

I will not see The Odyssey unless the movie is re-shot with either Zach Galifianakis or George Chakiris as Odysseus!!!

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/05/2026

Imagine how Helen Black of Troy, NY must feel right now.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 14/05/2026

What's everyone complaining about? My Trump Phone arrived and it's great.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 29/04/2026

Breaking news: DOJ Indicts Tommy Tutone Over 867-5309/Jenny Song

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/04/2026

You don't STOP a White House ballroom. You can only hope to contain it.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/04/2026

"Some men see things as they are and say, 'Why?' I dream of things that never were and say, 'Why not snort coke off a toilet seat and cut off a raccoon's penis?'" — RFK Jr.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 26/04/2026

Had Abraham Lincoln had a 90,000-square foot ballroom, he would still be alive today.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 17/04/2026

"You wanna know how to get Trump? They pull a Congress, you pull an archdiocese. They pull a cabinet, you pull a synod. He sends one of yours to the Supreme Court, you send one of his to the Holy See. That's the Chicago Pope way."

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 05/04/2026

Today I briefly appeared on my balcony to address the faithful whereupon I quickly realized I had neither the faithful nor a balcony.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/04/2026

We as a nation and as a peoples need to put the CROSS back into crossdressing.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/03/2026

Can you imagine how much worse the reaction would be if Timothée Chalamet had said batik and macramé instead of opera and ballet?

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/03/2026

I fear fear itself. Not fear per se. But fear itself. I do. I really do. There. I said it.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/2026

Chalamet vs. Opera is making USA vs. Iran look like Billie Jean King vs Bobby Riggs.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/03/2026

3.49 a gallon. I haven't seen this much rage at the pump since Trump's honeymoon, folks.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 05/03/2026

Watching Kristi Noem's "Checkers Speech" and waiting for the part where she shoots and kills Checkers.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 02/03/2026

You wouldn't trust Pete Hegseth to even change a car tire. But alas, here we are.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 02/03/2026

Q: What is Reza Pahlavi's favorite Young Rascals song? A: "How Can I Be Shah?"

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/03/2026

One of Ali Khamenei's sons might replace him? It begs the question: kha menei Khameneis are there?!

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 01/03/2026

"New Acting Supreme Leader of Iran" is the new "World's Oldest Living Human Being."

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026

Remembering that time J. Edgar Hoover dressed as a woman, partied with the USA women's ski team in '48 and no one cared.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026

Does this NYC travel ban mean I can't go to Carolina in my mind?

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/02/2026

The Inuits have 50 different names for non-Inuit people who think Inuits have 100 different words for snow.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 20/02/2026

According to my sources at Scotland Yard, the password to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's laptop is PAEDO123.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 19/02/2026

Breaking news: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor First Member of Royal Family to be Arrested Since Duke Snider's 1990s Arrest for Tax Evasion

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 12/02/2026

Overheard, TGI Friday's, 4th stool: "Women's 1000-meter ski cross is a totally made-up sport. It's not a natural REAL sport like men's 2K parallel giant moguls."

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 10/02/2026

Where in the Bible does it say I shouldn't trust a big butt and a smile?!

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/02/2026

I see "TPUSA" and I immediately think: Toilet Paper.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026

My Super Bowl party this year is SICK, y'all!

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026

"The artistry, the grace, the elegance, the poise, the athleticism..." — the women's short program or me bringing a bag of stinky wet compost down to the basement?

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026

The biathlon should be the competitors skiing and shooting at each other, and the winner is the only one who survives. No bronze, no silver.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 08/02/2026

My favorite Winter Olympic moment is when an announcer says: "His nickname in his country is... Der Kaiser."

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 07/02/2026

If American history were the Tonight Show, we are now at the point where Johnny Carson says "Can you imagine some drunk tuning in right now?" and then goes to an Alpo commercial.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 07/02/2026

Approximately 68.58 percent of Americans who will refuse to watch Bad Bunny are calling him Big Bunny, according to a startling new poll inside my head.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 07/02/2026

What's the DraftKings over-under as to how many inbred babies will be conceived during the Kid Rock halftime show?

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 30/01/2026

Variety, breaking news: "Melania" Wins Special Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Disaster Award

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/01/2026

Is "Melania" having a soft opening or is it opening wide internationally?

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 29/12/2025

Erika Kirk is the Evel Knievel of our time. Prove me wrong.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 28/12/2025

The best play that I saw in 2025 was Eugene O'Neill's "Mourning Becomes Electric" starring Erika Kirk.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 18/11/2025

Sometimes I get this weird feeling that Trump just might not like women so much.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 09/10/2025

That eerie tinny noise you hear tonight is Dag Hammarskjöld's ashes trembling in his urn.

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 04/10/2025

Breaking news: US Navy Jet Kills Santiago, Hemingway's Famed Old Man, Off Venezuelan Coast

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 03/10/2025

"Hey, it's great to be here in Riyadh, folks. I just flew in from New York and boy, are my arms decapitated!"

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 27/09/2025

Breaking news: Hyphen-Challenged President Sending Troops to War Ravaged Portland

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/09/2025

"Oh, did I say the Rapture would be on 9/23/2025? I meant 9/23/3025!"

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Ted Heller @thellernyc.bsky.social · 23/09/2025

My thoughts and prayers are with the United Nations translators during this very tough time.

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